'Night Eyes' and 'Deadly Eyes' - which is it, and why the two titles?
Oh, not another movie about rats! I only watched Ron Perlman in 'Rats' last week.
According to this movie, rats outnumber humans 21 to 1 in this ratio.
A field trip to the museum sees a bunch of twenty-something adults being lectured about rodents. As if a parent would sign the slip to allow their 20-year-old kids to go on a field trip to learn about rats.
The platform for the movie is set, and the basis for our infestation in this movie comes via a customs loading dock by the bay that's condemned by a sole city health official who deems all imported goods to be destroyed.
It's destroyed by fire, alright, but not before the oversized rats escape and set up camp in the sewerage system.
It all goes up in smoke, much to the sadness of Otis Redding, who pulls an unflattering facial expression by the dock of the bay. It's not his greatest moment. Is it too late to re-shoot that scene? See his face.
I've detected two soundbites from 'Friday the 13th' already.
I don't know who any of the players are in this movie. Is the star of the show this rug head strumming a manual push vacuum? It's an odd mix of film students, to say the least. No one stands out as recognizable. In hindsight, none of the earlier scenes with the 20-year-old school kids have much to do with the later stages of the movie, so don't invest any interest in their characters.
The oversized rats look like dogs in Halloween costumes.
They claim baby Caroline and Lorraine Baines first, not counting the cat earlier.
I swear that's the Karate Kid's mom, Lucille, at the 18:34 minute mark. Even sounds like her.
A rabid, snaggle-toothed rat dog bites an Uber delivery boy, and his hand is hamburger and written out of the script.
Instead of focusing on the rat dogs carving up the city, the movie wastes time on this schoolgirl crush between Trudy and Mr. Sheffield, the coach of the boys basketball team.
The rat dogs strike after midnight when an elderly senior goes out for a stroll in Regent Park. They growl like leopards and can also squeal like pigs. He's toast.
Between locking lips with students in the boys shower rooms, Mr. Sheffield is seeing a mature spinster on the side. She's only a 3/10. He's also divorced and probably still tagging that fish with his labels.
The rat dogs in this remind me of the savages from 'Krackoon.'
Mrs. Trumbull, or Crumble more like it, is primed and ripe for Mr. Sheffield to take advantage of and no doubt will fall under his spell. I wouldn't put it past him to hit on a Golden Girl if their paths were crossed. A self-confession sees Mrs. Crumble admit to having a hot date tonight, and there's no prize for guessing who with. She just admitted that at 75 years of age, she wants to sow her own oats, even though she's over the hill and menopausal.
That interaction between her and the 3/10 spinster held no impact or cohesion to the movie's storyline, so why even include it? Like the uber basketball kid, you never see her again.
This movie's not doing anything for me. I'm finding my mind wandering.
First, they want you to concentrate on the rodents at hand, but then it ventures off to love affairs, and everybody is drooling over this Mr. Sheffield basketball coach.
Is it a horror movie or a love affair? And no way it deserves the R rating.
Meanwhile, Mr. Sheffield comes home and prepares a "Night Man" TV dinner, and do we have to see in great detail the step-by-step process of how to cook it? So, he's a creature of habit fueled by nuked meals like those atomic rods in Superman.
The real man of steel is IG-88.
The 3/10 spinster calls up Mr. Sheffield even though she doesn't know his name or number, and he agrees to pick her up even though she never told him where she lives.
They agree to go to dinner but just stroll through Flemingdon Park, have a nightcap then trade pounds of flesh through romance and fire, even though they've only known each other for no more than 2 hours. Jackie Collins would be proud of this fable.
The next morning, the 3/10 spinster mentions something along the lines of "bigger than normal," but why does she look so despondent?
The city gets serious with the rat dog plague, so they fumigate the sewers with Febreze, and all is jolly again after a little disinfected clean-up.
I love 70s movies, but this one is not doing it for me.
The actors are droll, and the rodents are laughable. They're not even menacing. This movie is like upstate entertainment for rich people. This is the way rich people view horror movies.
Instead of focusing on the rat dogs murdering civilians, the movie focuses on Mr. Sheffield's infidelities with his students while juggling the 3/10 spinster on the side.
Who wants to see any horror in this movie when instead you can watch this two-timing Sheffield fella and his dangly tentacles leeching onto most of the cast in his web of passion and uncontrollable sex drive?
Unsuspecting townspeople at the bowling alley, cinema, and subway are unaware and unprepared for the rat dog invasion that's about to unfold, so this must mean we're nearing the movie's climax, which will no doubt see Mr. Sheffield and the mother rat join in a union of unholy matrimony.
Bruce Lee and the flight attendant from 'Aeroplane' go at it on the cinema screen. "Roger, Roger." That's right, this is a Golden Harvest production.
The rat dogs chew through power cables, literally bowl people over in their mad scamper to escape, and cause a disturbance at the cinema with a human stampede ensuing.
While all the chaos is unfolding, the mayor is hobnobbing the grand opening of a new underground rail network that cost over 300 million dollars, but you just know the rat dogs will spoil that party.
The movie turns into 'Short Walk to Daylight' when the dog rodents knock out the railway wires and attack most pedestrians before they can see the daylight ever again, even though it's 8 at night by now.
I love the uncredited actress who just throws herself at the rat dogs and sacrifices herself for nobody. Food of the Gods, eh? Hmm. That was an attempt at humor, if you missed it.
An act of terrorism sees Mr. Sheffield join forces with the rat dogs and blow up half the town, then deliver a train full of vermin to the awaiting parade.
This movie's like the Sesame Street of horror. It makes a mockery of the genre. Not even scary in the slightest.
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