A very weird spy/adventure comedy starring Oliver Reed who looks like he's in trance (or more likely drunk) all through the proceedings. Peter Cushing co-stars and tries desperately to be funny. The beautiful Sylvaine Charlet plays a modern-day Mata Hari and has an out-of-the-blue fullfrontal nude scene every fifteen minute or so to keep the audience awake. Wilfred Hyde-White does a sort of cameo (but why??). There's even a brief scene from the b/w "KING KONG"! However the main attraction must be local actor Edwin Mamba (the film was shot in Zambia of all places) who delivers such an outrageously hammy performance that it almost saves the film. Almost.
7 Reviews
Complete and utter rubbish
tigon6 June 2000
Now this REALLY is a terrible movie. Badly directed, shabbily edited and boasting some of the cheapest dialogue and worst acting ever committed to celluloid. Why actors like Peter Cushing and Oliver Reed (the latter with a phoney American accent) ever appeared in this load of old rubbish is extremely puzzling. They must have been desperate for work. Director Pete Curran even throws in a bit of gratuitous female nudity just to keep viewers awake.
For some strange reason this diabolical movie (under the title 'No Secrets') is regularly shown on late night British TV, year after year, so somebody, somewhere must love it.
I say, don't go near it!
For some strange reason this diabolical movie (under the title 'No Secrets') is regularly shown on late night British TV, year after year, so somebody, somewhere must love it.
I say, don't go near it!
Infantile and unendurable
barnabyrudge10 December 2002
This is an absolutely awful "comedy" about an African dictator who steals an American space rocket. Various bumbling fools are dispatched to retrieve it. Oliver Reed mugs away embarrassingly in a career low performance (he probably figured that nobody would ever watch it)and is supported by Peter Cushing and Keenan Wynn in equally inept roles. Cushing has been quoted as saying that The Blood Beast Terror was his worst ever movie.... surely not as bad as this, Peter?
The actors have all done some poor movies, as well as some very good ones, but this is perhaps the worst of all. Its sense of humour is so infantile that even 7 year olds would be hard pushed to find any laughs, but it isn't suitable for 7 year olds anyway, as it features some needless full frontal female nudity. Why is there nudity in this film? I don't know. Why are there some good actors in this film? I don't know. Why did this film ever get made? I don't know and I don't care!
The actors have all done some poor movies, as well as some very good ones, but this is perhaps the worst of all. Its sense of humour is so infantile that even 7 year olds would be hard pushed to find any laughs, but it isn't suitable for 7 year olds anyway, as it features some needless full frontal female nudity. Why is there nudity in this film? I don't know. Why are there some good actors in this film? I don't know. Why did this film ever get made? I don't know and I don't care!
Worst of the worst African comedy with Oliver Reed and Peter Cushing
Leofwine_draca6 September 2016
Warning: Spoilers
There's nothing worse than a comedy which isn't funny and, sadly, this is one of the worst so-called "comedies" in existence. Made at a period in the late '70s/early '80s when the British film industry had just about died out, this is an inexcusable and frankly offensive attempt at a zany comedy which throws in gratuitous nudity, science fiction, racism, homophobia, and just about anything else into the brew to try and make it a hit; it doesn't work for a second. Perhaps the rubbish editing had something to do with this, or the fact that every single joke falls flat. Maybe the poorly inserted stock footage made viewers realise just how cheaply, badly made this film was. The "plot", so to speak, could be written in a paragraph, so lots of padded and nonsensical scenes show up which in no way further the story; they're just dumb, stupid and lack continuity. And the cast
how I feel for them.
Oliver Reed is hopelessly miscast in a comic role as a clumsy army man; elsewhere, Keenan Wynn embarrasses himself in a stereotypical "stuffy officer" type role. Who knows what stalwart British old-timers Peter Cushing and Wilfrid Hyde-White were doing in the cast, as I sure don't. Cushing is admittedly amusing as a war veteran who has to adjust to the 20th century and is amazed at modern contraptions as televisions, etc., although even his humour is Luke warm, and by comparison the rest of the slapstick comedy is awful. Hyde-White is quite funny though, as he always was. The glamorous Sylvaine Charlet was obviously filmed naked in the shower at some point and scenes of this are repeated throughout the film.
Included in the film are scenes of natives which are appallingly racist in this day and age; a stupid ray gun which makes things vanish in an instant (complete with silly sound effect); a homosexual Tarzan who lives with his male friend Jan; lots of scenes set around a swimming pool where nothing happens; and a solar energy source which creates an invisible barrier around the emperor's hideaway (?). NO SECRETS! should be seen by everybody in order to make them appreciate just how well-made most films are in comparison to this; in fact, it would make just about anything look good (aside from some of those tacky Filipino made obscurities they made back in the '60s and '70s ).
Oliver Reed is hopelessly miscast in a comic role as a clumsy army man; elsewhere, Keenan Wynn embarrasses himself in a stereotypical "stuffy officer" type role. Who knows what stalwart British old-timers Peter Cushing and Wilfrid Hyde-White were doing in the cast, as I sure don't. Cushing is admittedly amusing as a war veteran who has to adjust to the 20th century and is amazed at modern contraptions as televisions, etc., although even his humour is Luke warm, and by comparison the rest of the slapstick comedy is awful. Hyde-White is quite funny though, as he always was. The glamorous Sylvaine Charlet was obviously filmed naked in the shower at some point and scenes of this are repeated throughout the film.
Included in the film are scenes of natives which are appallingly racist in this day and age; a stupid ray gun which makes things vanish in an instant (complete with silly sound effect); a homosexual Tarzan who lives with his male friend Jan; lots of scenes set around a swimming pool where nothing happens; and a solar energy source which creates an invisible barrier around the emperor's hideaway (?). NO SECRETS! should be seen by everybody in order to make them appreciate just how well-made most films are in comparison to this; in fact, it would make just about anything look good (aside from some of those tacky Filipino made obscurities they made back in the '60s and '70s ).
Only for the dedicated Peter Cushing fan
kevinolzak14 April 2014
It has to be emphasized that when it comes to 1978's "Touch of the Sun," one of Peter Cushing's 'lost films,' that it wasn't actually lost, it was hiding! A definite contender for the cherished 'worst film of all time,' filmed on location in the African nation of Zambia, once Northern Rhodesia, a vanity project from editor-writer-director Peter Curran, produced by wife Elizabeth, with son David serving as assistant director. Peter Curran's only Hammer association was as editor of 1970's "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth," his other obscure efforts as inept auteur including 1971's "Male Bait," 1974's "The Cherry Picker," 1975's "Penelope Pulls It Off," and 1981's "Tell It Like It Is Boys," all sex comedies. That has to be the reason such juvenile antics are supported by a couple of gratuitous full frontal shots of a bathing Sylvaine Charlet, a French starlet of little apparent ability. Top billing goes to an incredulous Oliver Reed, intentionally blundering his way through the entire picture as a bumbling military captain whose long suffering general (Keenan Wynn) sends him to recover a space capsule captured in Deepest Africa by despotic Emperor Sumumba (Edwin Manda). Wilfrid Hyde-White, who had appeared alongside Spike Milligan and Terry-Thomas in Curran's "The Cherry Picker," cameos as 'M-1,' Hilary Pritchard gets fondled by Reed as 'Miss Funnypenny,' while emerging unscathed is Peter Cushing's Commissioner Potts (replacing the absent Terry-Thomas), guiding Reed's native bearers on a trek to the Emperor's palace. Entering at the 31 minute mark, Potts is unaware that WW2 has ended (no deliveries since 1942), continues to treasure a portrait of Queen Victoria, and marvels at the natives relaxing in pajamas and robes while watching television. Basically a reprise of his nutty professor fresh from "At the Earth's Core," Cushing's professionalism is a far cry from the relentlessly unfunny lowjinks, certified proof of his amazing ability to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. As dreadful as it is, third billed Cushing's white bearded explorer is genuinely amusing, quite an incredible feat considering the homemade atmosphere engendered by the filmmakers. Cushing's three other 'lost films,' "Battleflag," "Son of Hitler," and "Black Jack," must look like "Hamlet" next to this meager effort. Oliver Reed followed his worst performance with his best, in David Cronenberg's "The Brood." Playing an effeminate Tarzan (billed as 'Ginger Rogers'), is Melvyn Hayes, the young Baron from "The Curse of Frankenstein," who had also appeared opposite Cushing in "Violent Playground" and "The Flesh and the Fiends," as well as doing later Hammer comedies "Love Thy Neighbor" and "Man About the House." The huge cast list of 65 features nine actors getting double billing (for 74 roles), and specialized lettering difficult to read, another sure sign that nobody gave a damn. A hapless combination of full frontal female nudity and thuddingly heavy handed infantile slapstick, this is the movie that would have forced IMDb to devise a lower rating than one star!
Classic comedy!
vladtepes145611 September 2019
it's so bad you don't even need to know what its about
intraference7 August 2004
This film reveals that Edward d wood was a genius auteur after all. Unlike wood's work, this film reveals a total lack of charm, wit, strange beauty and oddball imagination. All prerequisites for a film if it is to be considered to be so bad it's good. This is an embarrassment to all concerned. Absolutely unfunny, unsexy, unimaginative and totally pointless.
Even the feeble special effects don't make you laugh - TV monitors in Mission Control which are supposedly showing rockets in flight are actually just colour photographs glued to the wall - it SHOULD be funny, but it isn't. Just one of the turkeys Reed mugged his way through for the cash. Does anyone know who commissioned this sorry waste of celluloid? AVOID AT ALL COSTS!! I know just writing about it gives it a mystique but I assure you it has none.
Even the feeble special effects don't make you laugh - TV monitors in Mission Control which are supposedly showing rockets in flight are actually just colour photographs glued to the wall - it SHOULD be funny, but it isn't. Just one of the turkeys Reed mugged his way through for the cash. Does anyone know who commissioned this sorry waste of celluloid? AVOID AT ALL COSTS!! I know just writing about it gives it a mystique but I assure you it has none.
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