The Late Show (1977)

Art Carney: Ira Wells

Photos 

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Ira : Mrs. Schmidt asked me to move out. That place next door to you, is that still empty?

  Margo Sperling : I don't know, Ira. I don't think I could take it. I mean you just never say anything, for God's sake. It's not fair, 'cause I have to keep up my side of the conversation and your side of the conversation. Yeah, that's it - you just never say anything, for God's sake. I want some feedback from you. I wanna... I wanna know what you think about things... and what you think about me.

  Ira : Jesus Christ, would it kill you if once in a while you wore a goddamn dress?

• Margo Sperling : I'm gonna' go down to the police station and get a private detective's license. If we teamed up, we'd be great together.

  Ira : That's just what this town has been waiting for. A broken-down old private eye with a bum leg and a hearing aid, and a fruitcake like you.

• Ira : [to Lamar]  You wanna know somethin', punk? You were born dumb and you're gonna die dumb.

• [Ira's talking to Margo] 

  Ira : Back in the Forties, this town was crawlin' with dollies like you. Good-lookin' coquettes tryin' their damnedest to act tough as hell. I got news for you: they did it better back then. This town doesn't change - they just push the names around. Same dames... screwin' up their lives just the same way.

• Ira : Why was, uh, this Escobar blackmailing you?

  Laura Birdwell : Well, I was seeing this man. We were having an affair.

  Ira : Your husband didn't know anything about it?

  Margo Sperling : Does the Pope shit in the woods?

• Ira : Listen, doll, let's get one thing straight. I'm a loner. I always have been a loner. I was a loner when I was a kid. I was a loner when I was married. Probably why we broke up. I'm by myself now because I like it that way. Nothing personal, but I don't like to talk about it. There's too damn much talk in the world as it is.

• Ira : Whoever that guy is, he's no snob about how he kills people. It'a a goddamned .45 he's using.

• Ira : One more thing, doll, about my fee... My fee. I get paid $25 a day, plus expenses.

  Margo Sperling : What's he talking about?

  Ira : Listen, sweetheart, you're talking to Ira Wells, not some low-rent gumshoe. I'm the best, and I get paid like the best.

• Margo Sperling : [Ira has doubled over and collapsed from severe stomach pain]  Ira, wait a second. We'll get you to the hospital.

  Ira : I'm not going to any goddamn hospital.

  Margo Sperling : You gotta' go to the hospital, so they can find out what's wrong with you.

  Ira : I know what's wrong with me. I got a perforated ulcer. It's starting to bleed again. They get me in the hospital, they'll want to operate.

  Margo Sperling : Let them. That's better than walking around like this.

  Ira : I will not go through another goddamn operation.

  Margo Sperling : Lay back down. There's nothing to be afraid of.

  Ira : It's my gut. It's my life. I won't let anybody call me a goddamn coward. I went through two operations last year on my gut. Two operations! Do you realize what it's like in a veterans' hospital... lying on your back for six months, with tubes and shit going every which way?

  Ira : [continues]  Maybe I don't have much of a life right now, but it's better than that. But I'll be goddamned if I let those butchers open me up again. Never! I'll blow my brains out first...

  Margo Sperling : Stop it. Just stop it.

• Ira : There are a lot of ways to play any game. I play mine on the house percentages.

• Ira : Listen, doll, let's get something straight. As long as we're gonna' be working together, try to act like a lady, will you?

• Ira : Maybe I'm wrong, but you don't look like you've had a lot of experience handling a.357 magnum.

• Ira : What about this guy that took your cat?

  Margo Sperling : Brian Hemphill. He's this guy... he's really sort of a tuna. He just hangs around, you know. And, we used to have this thing going - kind of a... sexual interlude. Never really came to anything.

  Margo Sperling : [continues]  Now, Brian and this friend of his, sometimes they give me money to schlep things up to this guy in Bakersfield.

  Ira : "Things"? What things?

  Margo Sperling : You know, "things." Material things. I mean, worldly possessions. Washing machines, TV sets, clock radios... "things."

  Ira : These things you're telling me about, did it ever cross your mind they might be hot?

  Margo Sperling : [scoffs]  Ha, who's to know? I mean, I'm not by nature a curious person.

  Ira : I'll bet.

  Margo Sperling : I mean, go with the flow.

  Ira : That's what I always say.

• Ira : I'm not as young as I used to be.

• Ira : Harry Regan was a pal of mine close to 24 years. Whoever it was that killed him is gonna' be goddamn sorry.

  Margo Sperling : Mr. Wells, I can understand your feeling that way. I mean, as an actress, I understand it as a motivation.

• Ira : [after Margo has just seen a dead body]  I'm sorry, doll. What I never told you is this is the hardest goddamn way in the world to make a buck.