Peter Falk en el papel de...
Sam Diamond
- Sam Diamond: The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.
- Lionel Twain: I'm the greatest, I'm number one!
- Sam Diamond: To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?
- Dora Charleston: What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?
- Tess Skeffington: I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.
- Tess Skeffington: Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.
- Sam Diamond: I was working on a case! Working.
- Tess Skeffington: Every night for six months?
- Sam Diamond: I got 50 bucks a day in expenses. I had dem queeries.
- Tess Skeffington: Twain had Polaroid pictures of Sam in drag.
- Sam Diamond: I was in disguise. Lots fo dames go in those joints. I never kissed nobody.
- Dick Charleston: [after noticing that he is incorrectly seated next to his own wife, Charleston asks to switch places with Wang. An instant after they both stand up, two rapiers fall from the ceiling to bury themselves in the gentlemen's chairs] ... Just as I thought: another test that could have cost us our lives, saved only by the fact that I am ENORMOUSLY well-bred.
- Sam Diamond: ...Lucky it wasn't me, or I'd be chopped liver by now.
- [a bomb is about to explode]
- Sam Diamond: I've got an idea! I don't know if it will work but I've got to try. Turn around!
- Tess Skeffington: I've turned, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Whatever you do, don't turn around until I say so.
- Tess Skeffington: [turns around] But Sam...
- Sam Diamond: I SAID TURN AROUND!
- Tess Skeffington: Yes, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Good! Cause... I think... I'm gonna cry.
- Dick Charleston: Another diversion. He gives us meaningless clues to confuse us, dangles red herrings before our eyes, bedazzles us with bizarre banalities, while all the time precious seconds are ticking away towards a truly terrible murder still to come.
- Sam Diamond: You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya?
- Dick Charleston: Classy, I suppose.
- Sidney Wang: It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.
- Sam Diamond: I thought they always looked like that.
- Jessica Marbles: Knock it off, Sam!
- Sam Diamond: I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.
- Sidney Wang: Um... thank you.
- Tess Skeffington: He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?
- Sam Diamond: I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?
- Tess Skeffington: Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...
- Sam Diamond: All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.
- Dora Charleston: Is he dead?
- Sam Diamond: With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.
- Sam Diamond: You say you know who's going to get it?
- Lionel Twain: Intimately.
- Inspector Milo Perrier: And you know how the crime is to be committed?
- Lionel Twain: Definitely.
- Sidney Wang: And exactly what time murder to take place?
- Lionel Twain: *The* murder. Precisely.
- Dora Charleston: Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?
- Sam Diamond: Wouldn't you know, out of gas.
- Tess Skeffington: I saw a station about five miles back, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: [hands her a gas can] I want you to know I'm gonna be waitin' for ya, baby.
- Sam Diamond: I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentlemen. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?
- Tess Skeffington: I don't care about the money, Sam.
- Sam Diamond: Neither do I.
- Sam Diamond: I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket.
- Willie Wang: [DELETED SCENE, RESTORED FOR TELEVISION - Willie rejoins the others after covering up Twain's body] ... I can't believe you missed it, Pop. The world's five greatest living detectives, and not one of you noticed that *Twain was clutching a note in his hand!*
- Sidney Wang: Give it to me.
- Willie Wang: Oh, no; it's mine.
- Milo Perrier: Oh, give it to your father, you idiot!
- Willie Wang: [gloating] "Idiot?" We'll see who's the idiot, Mr. Perrier! The $1 million goes to whoever solves the crime, and that could be me just as easily as you! I've got more brains than my father gives me credit for! "#3 Adopted Son?" I'm sick and tired of being just your #3 Adopted Son. I'm *Willie Wang, Young Detective!* This clue belongs to me, and nobody's getting it from me, you understand? Nobody...!
- Sam Diamond: [with his gun leveled at Willie's head] Better stand back, Tess. I don't want you to get hurt when the bullet comes out his other ear.
- [takes the note and reads]
- Sam Diamond: "Please call dairy and cancel future deliveries of milk; Lionel Twain deceased."
- [hands back the note]
- Sam Diamond: So much for your clue, kid.
- Willie Wang: [very sheepish] Uhm... Sorry about that, Dad.
- Sam Diamond: Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.