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- Shirley Feeney: Laverne! The only kinda parties we've ever been to are bring your own!
- Laverne De Fazio: I like bringin' my own... then I know what I'm gettin'.
- Shirley Feeney: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!
- Laverne De Fazio: Yeah well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.
- Shirley Feeney, Laverne De Fazio: [first lines in opening sequence, in the style of a jump-rope or hopscotch chant] One, two, three, four! Five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Shlimazl! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
- Shirley Feeney: Laverne...
- Laverne De Fazio: Hmm?
- Shirley Feeney: I just thought of something awful.
- Laverne De Fazio: What?
- Shirley Feeney: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake... what can I tell her?
- Laverne De Fazio: A lot more than most mothers!
- Squiggy: Can we borrow your sheets?
- Laverne De Fazio: Oh God, no.
- Shirley Feeney: Why do you wanna borrow our sheets?
- Squiggy: Well, we have a couple of gorgeous chickaroonies coming over tonight for dinner and crackers, and we kind of like to get to first base with them.
- Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: We figure some clean sheets will bring 'em over the old goal line.
- Laverne De Fazio: What's the matter with your own sheets?
- Squiggy: They're hard.
- [Laverne and Shirley show shocked and disgusted reactions]
- Shirley Feeney: What did you call that woman again?
- Laverne De Fazio: Banana-face.
- Shirley Feeney: People do not like to be called fruit!
- Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, is that the sexiest thing you have to wear?
- Shirley Feeney: Is there something wrong with this?
- Rosie Greenbaum: Shirley, Shirley, ya gotta advertise a little! Put the goods in the window! That's what Big Rosie does.
- Laverne De Fazio: Oh yeah? I always thought ya put 'em right out on the street.
- Shirley Feeney: Laverne! The only kinda parties we've ever been to are bring your own!
- Laverne De Fazio: I like bringin' my own... then I know what I'm gettin'.
- Carmine Ragusa: I once met Eddie Fisher!
- Shirley Feeney: Oh really? And just what was his excuse for breaking poor Debbie's heart?
- Carmine Ragusa: I don't really know. I gave him the towel, he gave me the quarter and that was it!
- Laverne De Fazio: [reading outloud the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook] To Laverne: If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.
- Laverne De Fazio: Are all those girls in those films really naked?
- Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli: No, some of them wear socks!
- Squiggy: Hey, what's with all the tropical flora?
- Leonard 'Lenny' Kosnowski: Didn't you used to date her?
- Squiggy: Nah, that was Teresa DeFluca.
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