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Blazing Saddles

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Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.

Jim: [consoling Bart, who is upset that his attempts to be cordial with the citizens of Rock Ridge led to him being racially insulted] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]
Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at?

Bart: [hears a crash in the prison cells] The drunk in number two must be awake.
[walks over to the cell]
Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... Black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Mexican Bandit: [a reference to THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE] Badges...? We don't need no stinking badges!

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.
[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]

Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.
[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his Black hands]
Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]
Jim: See, it's coming off.
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.
[runs off]

Taggart: What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get a bit of track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell a family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]
Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!
[townspeople drop their guns; Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?
Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!
Bart: [low voice] Shut up!
[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]
Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!
[looks into the camera]
Bart: And they are so *dumb*!

Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle... and I've been there ever since.

[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: [27:10] Hey! The sheriff is a nig...
[clock bell chimes]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: The sheriff is near.
Gabby Johnson: No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff is a nig...
[clock bell chimes again]

Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.
Governor Lepetomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor Lepetomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, play around with this for awhile.
Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy.
Hedley Lamarr: No, it's Hedley!
Governor Lepetomane: It is?

Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: How?
Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.
Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.

[Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: [1:19:44] *Le Petomane Thruway*? Now what'll that asshole think of next?
[turns to the posse]
Taggart: Has anybody got a dime?
[henchmen grumble, search their pockets]
Taggart: Somebody's gotta go back and get a shit-load of dimes!

[recalling his gunfighting career]
Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Rev. Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.

Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.

Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
Tex: Tex, ma'am!
Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no...
Lili Von Shtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?

[Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh, shit. Quicksand!
[lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcar.

Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Lili Von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?
[sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.
Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?
Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.

Olson Johnson: All right... we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!
[everyone complains]
Olson Johnson: Aw, prairie shit... Everybody!
[everyone rejoices]

Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...
[Bart whacks him with a shovel]
Taggart: OW!
Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson: [31:10] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.
[clears her throat]
Harriet Johnson: WE
[everyone jumps in shock]
Harriet Johnson: THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!

Governor Lepetomane: Help me in with this. Help me in with this.
[having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Just think of your secretary.
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor Lepetomane: There you go. That's a very good suggestion. Thank you.

Governor Lepetomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!
Politician: Harrumph!
Governor Lepetomane: You watch your ass.
Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
Governor Lepetomane: Well put.

Buddy Bizarre: What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set!
Taggart: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks!
[winds up to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face!
[Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you...

Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?
Taggart: I'm sorry, sir.
Hedley Lamarr: Plan, plan. I need a plan.

Buddy Bizarre: All right, cut!
[yells into the ear of an actor]
Buddy Bizarre: *Wrong!*
[hits the actor in the head with his megaphone]
Buddy Bizarre: OK, just watch me! It's so simple, you sissy Marys! Give me the playback! And!
[slams his foot down with each word]
Buddy Bizarre: Watch me, faggots!

Olson Johnson: [after Gabby Johnson's speech] Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.
[townspeople murmur and nod in approval]
Olson Johnson: What are we made of? Our fathers came across the prairies, fought Indians, fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix... remember when Richard Dix came in here and tried to take over this town? Well, we didn't give up then, and by gum, we're not going to give up now!

Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Arson... armed robbery... mayhem...
Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.
Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!
Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!
Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.
Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!
[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]
Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: [33:33] A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?

Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] A sheriff! But law and order is the last thing I want. Wait a minute... maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage. If I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very appearance would drive them out of town.
[looks into the camera]
Hedley Lamarr: But where would I find such a man?
[pause]
Hedley Lamarr: Why am I asking you?

Bart: Mongo was easy. The bitch was inventing the candy-gram. Probably won't even give me credit for it.
[a knock at the window; Bart gets up and sees the same woman who insulted him earlier]
Elderly Woman: Good evening, Sheriff. Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger". I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.
Bart: Well, uh... thank you, much obliged. Good night.
[Bart closes the window and smells the pie... but returns to the window when he hears another knock]
Elderly Woman: Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.
Bart: Of course.
Elderly Woman: Thank you.

Taggart: Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?
Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
Taggart: Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: That might help.
Lyle: All right, boys! On the count of three!
Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.
[Jim blows on his fingertips]
Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!
[Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters]
Bart: Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...
[he draws his own gun]
Bart: ... applause for the Waco Kid?
[dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping]

Howard Johnson: [reading] As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a Laurel - and Hardy handshake to our new...
[looks up and sees Bart]
Howard Johnson: ...nigger.

Governor Lepetomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor Lepetomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[continues aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance...
Men: ...pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*!
Men: That's Hedley!
Hedley Lamarr: ...and to the evil...
Men: ...and to the evil...
Hedley Lamarr: ...for which he stands.
Men: ...for which he stands.
Hedley Lamarr: Now go do... that voodoo... that *you* do... *so well*...!
[men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

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What is the Japanese language plot outline for Blazing Saddles (1974)?

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Blazing Saddles

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