Ryan O'Neal credited as playing...
Howard Bannister
- Howard: Good morning.
- Mr Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
- Howard: I'm sorry about all this whole mess here. Usually this doesn't happen.
- Mr Kaltenborn: Dr Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
- Howard: What is it?
- Mr Kaltenborn: Goodbye.
- Howard: That's the entire message?
- Mr Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it if you would check out.
- Howard: When?
- Mr Kaltenborn: Yesterday.
- Howard: That soon?
- Judge Maxwell: I think I want to skip over this part, too.
- Howard: That night, I went back to my room and she was in the bath.
- Judge Maxwell: Who was there? No, don't tell me, just go on.
- Howard: When Eunice walked in and the drapes caught fire, everything burned. They asked me to leave. I really don't blame them.
- Judge Maxwell: Good boy. Is there more?
- Howard: Sure.
- Judge Maxwell: There's more.
- Howard: Well, the next day, today, Mr. Larrabee asked me to his house with my rocks and to bring Eunice. Or rather, Burnsy, the one he thinks is Eunice. Is that clear?
- Judge Maxwell: No, but it's consistent.
- Howard: Shall I go back over it?
- Judge Maxwell: No, please, I beg you, don't. Just go on.
- Howard: It gets kind of complicated now. First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You and me?
- Howard: No, not you. Hugh.
- Hugh: I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You are me?
- Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that!
- [to bayliff]
- Judge Maxwell: Make him stop saying that!
- Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
- Judge Maxwell: Of what?
- Hugh: Music.
- Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?
- Hugh: No, sir.
- Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!
- Eunice: Now, tell me how you are going to introduce yourself.
- Howard: What? Oh, well, I'll probably say something like "Hello there, Mr Larrabee. I'm Howard."
- Eunice: You are not.
- Howard: I am not Howard.
- Eunice: You are not going to say "Hi, my name's Howard." Anyone could say that! Anyone.
- Howard: Anyone named Howard.
- [Howard walks into the hotel gift shop, wanders around, picks up a big rock, a souvenir of Alcatraz, and taps it with a tuning fork]
- Judy: What's up, Doc?
- Howard: I beg your pardon?
- Judy: We've gotta stop meeting like this.
- Howard: I think you're making a mistake. You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.
- Judy: You're gonna need an awful big glass of water to get that down.
- Howard: What? Oh no, no you see I'm a musicologist. I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal qualities. I have this theory about early man's musical relationship to igneous rock formations. But I guess you're not really interested in igneous rock formations.
- Judy: Not as much as I am in the sedimentary or metamorphic rock categories. I mean, I can take your igneous rocks or leave 'em. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your Pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned.
- Howard: I forgot why I came in here.
- Judy: Headache.
- Howard: Oh, yes. Thank you. And good bye.
- [Judy and Howard have their heads under the table, Howard is trying to convince Judy to leave, Frederick joins them]
- Frederick Larrabee: What's going on down here? You two just can't keep away from each other, can you?
- Howard: Oh, we were just talking.
- Hugh: [Joins them] Are you all right Mr Larrabee? Can I help?
- Frederick Larrabee: No, it's fine, we were just chatting.
- Musicologist: [Joins them] What's the matter?
- Musicologist: [Joins them] Anything wrong?
- Frederick Larrabee: No.
- Judy: We're just testing a theory Howard has about Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure.
- Professor Hosquith: [Joins them] What? Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure?
- Judy: You know, V.R.U.S.P.?
- Musicologist: Oh yes!
- Musicologist: I think I read a monograph on that.
- Howard: What am I gonna tell Eunice?
- Judy: That's the easy part. You go up to her room. She answers the door; now she will have been crying so her eyes will be all bloodshot and her nose will be all red and runny, but you look past all that. You stare purposefully into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes, and you say, "Eunice, my dear, there's been a terrible mistake. I've behaved like a cad, a bounder! But now I see everything clearly and I've decided that Judy and I are gonna put you into a home."
- Howard: That is not funny!
- Eunice: [fighting off a waiter trying to restrain her] Howard! Howard Bannister! They're trying, they're trying to keep me out!
- Frederick Larrabee: [to Howard] Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
- Eunice: Howard! Howard! Tell them who I am. Tell them who I am. I *demand* that you tell them who I am right this minute.
- Howard: [after a long pause] I never saw this woman before in my life.
- [Eunice faints and is dragged from the room, leaving scuff marks on the floor. Judy whistles]
- Judy: I think I'll get dressed now.
- Eunice: [on telephone] Howard, who was that?
- Howard: Who was what?
- Eunice: I heard a voice say something about getting dressed.
- Howard: It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on - a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
- Eunice: It was a woman's voice!
- Howard: Yes; they're lady soldiers, Eunice. It's called "The Fighting WACs".
- Howard: Mr. Larrabee, it's a privilege to meet you. I'm Doctor Howard Bannister.
- Headwaiter: And I'm your headwaiter, Rudy.
- Frederick Larrabee: We would like to hear the story that Miss Burns...
- Judy: Burnsey!
- Frederick Larrabee: That Burnsey...
- Howard: He's calling her Burnsey.
- Frederick Larrabee: That Burnsey was telling us. What was it Howard? Some incredible adventure you had on your flight here?
- Howard: Yes. No.
- Judy: I'm afraid my Howard is too modest to tell you the story himself. It all started when we passed the point of no return.
- Howard: I think we just passed it.
- Judy: One of the engines failed and the flux valve refused to disconnect. One of the pilots fainted from an over supply of fear and went into this power dive. So Howard took his rocks into the cockpit and selected two of them with a particularly high magnetic content and set up an electrically induced field pattern on the giro counter...
- Howard: I'm having a nightmare.