Myra Breckinridge (1970)

Raquel Welch: Myra Breckinridge

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Myra talks to talent agent Leticia Van Allen] 

  Myra Breckinridge : You see, Miss Van Allen, Uncle Buck and I deal in myths, and movie stars are like gods and goddesses. When one fades, another promptly takes its place, because the human race require that the Pantheon always be filled. And you and I must seek out the glittering few that are the new stars, of our race, reborn!

• Myra Breckinridge : Stand up when a woman comes in the room, you son of a bitch!

• Myra Breckinridge : I am Myra Breckinridge, whom no man will ever possess. The new woman whose astonishing history started with a surgeon's scalpel, and will end... who-knows-where. Just as Eve was born from Adam's rib, so Myron died to give birth to Myra. Did Myron take his own life, you will ask? Yes, and no, is my answer. Beyond that, my lips are sealed. Let it suffice for me to say that Myron is... with me, and that I am the fulfillment of all his dreams. Who is Myra Breckinridge? What is she? Myra Breckinridge is a dish, and don't you ever forget it, you motherfuckers - as the children say nowadays.

• Myra Breckinridge : You have a lot to learn. All you men have a lot to learn. And I have taken it upon myself to teach you.

  Rusty Godowsky : What do you mean?

  Myra Breckinridge : This is the most important part of your education. The part your teachers fail to instruct you in. It's called balling.

  Rusty Godowsky : I know how to do that!

  Myra Breckinridge : That's what you think. Did you know you have a temperature?

  Rusty Godowsky : No I didn't!

  Myra Breckinridge : Well you do. But no matter. I shall cure what's wrong with you.

  Rusty Godowsky : What are you gonna do?

  Myra Breckinridge : I shall ball you Rusty. It's very simple.

• Myra Breckinridge : Oh, Leticia, they don't call you the queen of the casting couch for nothing.

  Leticia Van Allen : Hm, from what I understand, they're voting me a special Academy Award.

  Myra Breckinridge : An Oscar?

  Leticia Van Allen : No. A golden phallus. And let me tell you, one day we'll have our own stable of studs.

  Myra Breckinridge : A steady stream of sturdy studs!

  Leticia Van Allen : Hm, a boy bank where credit is always good. Sort of a layered day plan.

  Myra Breckinridge : God bless America!

  Leticia Van Allen : God help America!

• Myra Breckinridge : How should a man act?

  Rusty Godowsky : He should ball chicks, that's how.

• Myra Breckinridge : You unmitigated piece of shit!

• Myra Breckinridge : Those were the days. Spike Jones and his City Slickers, Ina Ray Hutton and Her All-girl Band, and, of course, the Andrews Sisters. Well, there'll never be anyone like them. The decline in our music saddens me - nearly as much as the decline in our films.

  Mary Ann Pringle : I have never heard of any of these people.

  Myra Breckinridge : But, my dear, they were unique. Truly mythic. Why, the Andrews Sisters really did roll out that barrel and no one yet has ever rolled it back.

• Myra Breckinridge : American women are eager for men to rape them. And vice versa.

• Myra Breckinridge : My purpose in coming to Hollywood is the destruction of the American male in all its particulars.

• Myra Breckinridge : [after punching Uncle Buck]  That, students, was a classic stage slap delivered so as to give the impression that the subject has been hit very hard in the mouth. It was first developed by Patricia Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.

  [Uncle Buck is walking dazed out of the room] 

  Myra Breckinridge : Oh. Thank you for the demonstration, Uncle Buck.

  [everyone claps] 

• Buck Loner : Howdy Doody. Come right on in, little lady. Take the weight off them pretty little feet, while I finish my last mile back to the old corral. So, you wanna be a star? Mmm. It's a hard road. And I feel I should say, No, siree. But somethin'- somethin' about you tells me I should give you a chance. What do you say? Can you take the heartache and the torture and the heat of them five-kilowatt lamps over at MGM? From where I sit, I'd say you can. I can see your name in lights now. Fact is, you remind me of one of our former successful students, a Miss Gloria Swanson. You've heard the name, I 'm sure.

  Myra Breckinridge : You mean she was one of your students?

  Buck Loner : You bet your sweet ass. The fact is, my students is always sayin', "Uncle Buck, if it weren't for you, we'd still be warmin' that seat back in Schwab's Drugstore."

  Myra Breckinridge : Really? I thought that was where Lana Turner was discovered?

  Buck Loner : Her too. Her too! Well, I'll be goldurned. You really done your homework. Yes, little lady, Lana Turner put her sweet little fanny right where you're sittin' now. Lana, I says, "What say we put you in a sweater and make a movie?" And we did.

• Myra Breckinridge : Well! Did you hear her? Never even heard of the Andrews Sisters. I scarcely dared mention Ella Mae Morse and the Cow-Cow Boogie.

• Myra Breckinridge : Half the world is starving now, and if population continues at the present rate...

  Myron : I know, I know. Famine by 1974. And you can forget about plankton and seaweed, because there's not gonna be enough of that to go around.

• Myra Breckinridge : I make all your fantasies come true, and then all you say is I make everything nasty! Well, I'm doing everything I can!

• Leticia Van Allen : You have all the kinky angles that are in right now. What about studs?

  Myra Breckinridge : Heaven.

  Leticia Van Allen : I mean, have you any that I don't know about?

  Myra Breckinridge : Uh, only one that's really "A" material. I know you'd like him. He's our pride and joy. He's the last stronghold of masculinity in this Disneyland of perversion.

  Leticia Van Allen : It looks like he's got quite a lot going for him.

• Myra Breckinridge : How should a man act?

  Rusty Godowsky : He should ball chicks. That's how.

  Mary Ann Pringle : But only if he loves her.

• Myra Breckinridge : You can get down.

• Myra Breckinridge : Would you come here and loosen your belt?

• Myra Breckinridge : Bend over the table. I want to take your temperature.

  Rusty Godowsky : But not there.

  Myra Breckinridge : Certainly there!

• Myra Breckinridge : Now, let's have a nice girlie evening. I'll tell you how I lost my virginity, if you tell me how you lost yours.

• Myra Breckinridge : Cut the crap and hand over the cash!

• Mary Ann Pringle : I'm sorry, Myra. I just can't. I wish I could, really.

  Myra Breckinridge : Love isn't always a matter of sex, you know.

  Mary Ann Pringle : Well, I know. And I really do love you as you are. I even like it when you touch me. Up to a point. I don't know. I just can't let myself go. That's the way I am.

• Myron : Your goal is...

  Myra Breckinridge : My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood...

  Myron : In order to...

  Myra Breckinridge : Realign the sexes...

  Myron : While...

  Myra Breckinridge : Decreasing the population...

  Myron : Thus...

  Myra Breckinridge : Increasing human happiness...

  Myron : And...

  Myra Breckinridge : Preparing humanity for its next stage.

  Myron : Bravo. Also... bullshit.

• [Rusty is strapped to a table, bent-over] 

  Myra Breckinridge : You think that being a man is such a simple thing. A man would ball chicks you said. Well I tried to explain it to you but you wouldn't listen, so I'm afraid you require a practical demonstration.

  [Myra puts on a strap-on, off screen, but it's rather obvious] 

  Rusty Godowsky : Oh my God! Jesus, You'll kill me!

  Myra Breckinridge : I won't kill you, Rusty. I'll just educate you! You and the rest of America. Must be demonstrated to you practically, that there is no such thing as manhood. It died with Burt Lancaster in "Vera Cruz". Your manhood was taken by Errol Flynn and Clark Gable! I am only going to supply you with the finishing touches.

• Charlie Flager Jr. : The point is, can you prove you were married, that's all!

  Myra Breckinridge : Proof will arrive before the end of the week in the person of Dr Randolph Spencer Montag.

  Charlie Flager Jr. : Montag? The great dental psychiatrist?

• Myra Breckinridge : Gentlemen... I am Myron Breckinridge! Uncle Buck, your fag nephew became your niece two years ago in Copenhagen and is now free as a bird and happy in being the most extraordinary woman in the world!

  Buck Loner : That's the ball game.

• Myra Breckinridge : [after raping Rusty]  Well, aren't you going to thank me for all the trouble I've taken?

  Rusty Godowsky : Thank you, ma'am.

• Myra Breckinridge : What you have assembled here are the national dregs, the misfits and neurotics. In short, the fuckups of our culture.

  Buck Loner : That ain't so. They are the carefully selected candidates for future stardom.

  Myra Breckinridge : Bullshit!

  Buck Loner : You can't talk to me like that, young lady. I'll have you outta here so fast, your hair'll curl.

  Myra Breckinridge : You just try it and I'll take this place away from you lock, stock and empathy class.

• Myron : Why are you so fascinated by the girl?

  Myra Breckinridge : But having raped Rusty's manhood, I must now complete the cycle and seduce his girl. Only then will my victory be complete. Thus exerting power over both sexes and, indeed, over life itself.

• Myra Breckinridge : In my posture class, I was particularly struck by one of the students, a boy with a Polish name. From a certain unevenly rounded thickness at the crotch of his blue jeans, it is safe to assume that he is - marvelously hung. Unfortunately, he's hot for an extremely pretty girl with long blonde hair. Dyed. Beautiful legs and breasts. Reminiscent of Lupe Velez. She is mentally retarded. He is probably just as stupid, but fortunately, has the good sense not to talk too much. When he does, however, he puts on a hillbilly accent that is so authentic that I almost melt in my drawers.

• Myra Breckinridge : Permit me to say that you are the only brain comparable to my late husband's.

  Leticia Van Allen : Ooh, I appreciate that, honey, but what did your late husband do?

  Myra Breckinridge : He wrote books about the movies.

  Leticia Van Allen : Oh. Was he gay?

  Myra Breckinridge : Ostensibly he was Americana - a terelyne-hosed chick-baller from East 57th Street, but underneath it all...

  Leticia Van Allen : He was gay.

• Rusty Godowsky : Hell, jail wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for all those faggots. There's always some fruit after you.

  Myra Breckinridge : That shouldn't bother you, Rusty.

  Rusty Godowsky : Well, the whole idea makes me wanna puke. A man should act like a man. Know what l mean?