M*A*S*H (1970)

Robert Duvall: Maj. Frank Burns

Photos 

Quotes 

• Trapper John : Well, what's the matter with her today?

  Hawkeye Pierce : I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.

  Trapper John : It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.

  Hawkeye Pierce : She can't even get out of the door, look.

  [Hawkeye sits down with Frank] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...

  Frank Burns : Mind your own business.

  Hawkeye Pierce : No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?

  Duke Forrest : What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?

  Trapper John : Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.

  Duke Forrest : Ohhhh, is that a fact?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?

  Frank Burns : Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?

  [Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye] 

  Hawkeye Pierce : Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!

  Duke Forrest : What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?

  Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!

  Trapper John : Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

• Frank Burns : You idiot, I said a cardiac needle!

  Pvt. Lorenzo Boone : Do you want me to get a nurse?

  Frank Burns : Too late, Boone, you killed him.

  [Walks away; Boone starts to cry] 

• Frank Burns : God meant us to find each other.

  Hotlips O'Houlihan : [enthusiastically, opening her blouse]  His will be done.

• Duke Forrest : What's this here?

  Frank Burns : This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.

  Duke Forrest : Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.

  [Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine] 

  Duke Forrest : I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.

  Ho-Jon : May I leave now, Major?

  Frank Burns : Sure, Ho-Jon.

• Frank Burns : What's that?

  Duke Forrest : That's a martin-eye, Frank.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?

  Frank Burns : I don't drink.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Jesus Christ, I think he means it.

  Duke Forrest : I think we've been had, Hawkeye.

  Hawkeye Pierce : I think you're right, babe.

  Frank Burns : I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.

  Duke Forrest : Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?

  Hawkeye Pierce : [Frank begins praying]  You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?

  Duke Forrest : No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.

• Hawkeye Pierce : Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?

  Duke Forrest : How long does this go on, Frank?

  Frank Burns : It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's.

• Trapper John : Finished work for the day?

  Frank Burns : Yes. Why?

  Trapper John : Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.

  [Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in] 

  Trapper John : [in pain]  Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!

  Colonel Blake : Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?

  Hotlips O'Houlihan : [incredulous]  That's a *captain*?

  Colonel Blake : What happened? Who started this?

  Trapper John : I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!

  Frank Burns : He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.

• Frank Burns : I don't drink.

  Hawkeye Pierce : Jesus Christ, I think he means it.