Kelly's Heroes (1970)
Don Rickles: Crapgame
Photos
Quotes
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Kelly : Well Oddball, what do you think?
Oddball : It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.
Big Joe : Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.
Oddball : The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!
Crapgame : Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!
Oddball : To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.
Kelly : Nobody's asking you to be a hero.
Oddball : No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.
Kelly : No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.
Oddball : Yeah?
Kelly : Yeah.
Oddball : Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!
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Pvt. Cowboy : God almighty, you guys smell like you fell into a dung heap!
Crapgame : Kinda makes ya homesick, don't it?
Pvt. Willard : [to Pvt. Cowboy] You know it does, kinda ,don't it old buddy?
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Crapgame : [Muttering in the minefield] Coulda been in the States playing ping-pong; volleyball... Plenty of broads... Who the hell needs all this? Gonna get my knife & get the hell outta here. Eaaa, lousy equipment! Now I gotta lift up this CANNON; carry it all the way to the front line someplace. Damned thing is heavier that Kelsey's burgers!
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Pvt. Little Joe : Kelly's even got us armor support.
Big Joe : [facing Kelly] What armor?
Crapgame : [interrupting] Three Shermans from the 321st.
Big Joe : [still facing Kelly] Who's in command?
Crapgame : It's a top line outfit, I personally recommend these guys.
Big Joe : [turning to Crapgame] Now you butt out, hustler, the only time you come out of the ground is when you smell a profit.
Crapgame : Oh, yeah, well I'm comin' out now, because Kelly's got the perfect caper.
Big Joe : Sure for you it's a vacation. Six days out of seven you're behind the lines, we're at the broken end of a bottle all the time, so you, BUTT OUT!
[turning back to Kelly]
Big Joe : Who's in command?
Kelly : A guy named Oddball.
Big Joe : Oddball! He's a freak!
Kelly : He's got three Shermans all ready to go.
Big Joe : What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!
Pvt. Jonesey : Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!
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Crapgame : [into field phone] Hogan? Yeah, it's me. Listen... I gotta favor to ask ya. Will you quit cryin... I haven't even asked ya yet! What the Hell's the matter with you?
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Crapgame : [about Oddball's Captain] He hasn't been reported as dead yet - I've been collecting his whiskey.
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Pvt. Willard : Big Joe, do I gotta carry all this equipment, and this satchel charge, and this .30-caliber machine gun too?
Big Joe : Nah, give the .30-caliber to the hustler. He wants to be a hero.
[Willard and Cowboy share a chuckle before Willard brings the machine gun to Crapgame]
Pvt. Willard : Here ya are, ol' buddy.
[walks away laughing]
Crapgame : Thanks! Get yourself a bucket of grits!
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Crapgame : What is this? Huh? What is this, a ballgame? Who are these guys?
Oddball : They're my friends, Crapgame...
Crapgame : And who is that bunch of refugees over there?
Oddball : The band.
Crapgame : The band? What do we need a band for?
Oddball : Have a little faith, Crapgame... they're beautiful people!
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Crapgame : Fourteen thousand bars? Ha, ha! Fourteen thousand! Hey, sweetheart, have yourself a bottle of booze, you're beautiful.