The Comic (1969)

Dick Van Dyke: William Simon aka Billy Bright

Photos 

Quotes 

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : [voice-over, from his funeral]  Here comes the crap.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : I'd like to talk to you more. You understand me. Can I buy you some dinner?

  Mary Gibson : Oh, I'd love to, but, I'm meeting Frank.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : You're? You just proved my point for me. Even when it comes to getting girls, the short guys get the girls.

  Mary Gibson : Frank isn't short.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : He's shorter than I am!

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : I have to be twice as good as anybody else.

  Mary Gibson : Huh?

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Because I'm so tall.

  Mary Gibson : I don't think I know what you're talking about.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : All right, look at Chaplin. What do you think makes him so popular? Because he's short. The short guys get that sympathy. You know, I could be *twice* as big a Chaplin if was shorter than him.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : Comics don't talk. They act.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : If you want to have a honeymoon first, now, I'll understand that. Just say the word.

  Mary Gibson : I want to have a honeymoon first.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Okay. Okay.

  [to the actors and actresses assembled to make a movie after Billy and Marry's wedding] 

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Okay, everybody. Take five.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : I know how to make people laugh and they don't laugh when I talk.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : As long as the world was calling on Billy Bright to make it laugh, Billy Bright would make it laugh.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : I could have been a millionaire.

  Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren : Then, why didn't you do it, then?

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Because I listened to dumbbells like you, that's why?

  Martin 'Cockeye' Van Buren : If I'm such a dumbbell, why'd you listen?

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Because I was a bigger dumbbell.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : A woman can take away your house, your money, your kids, and happiness; but, she can't take away your talent. Thank God I had that.

• Al Schilling : Billy, have I got good news for you.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Look, Al, what I want...

  Al Schilling : I know what you want and here it is. The good news. Billy, I spoke to Brockman this morning and the Studio is not going ahead with your next picture.

• William Simon aka Billy Bright : A pie in the face is still a lot funnier than a dirty joke.

• Frank Powers : Fatso and Cockeye, the fleets in and you're lookin' for dames. You spot the bathing beauties and you decide to treat them to ice cream cones.

  Fatso : Right!

  Frank Powers : Eh, Bright?

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Yeah.

  Frank Powers : Much better. You're the ice cream man. Now, Mary, you run into the water, you start to drown, you yell for help. Where's the midget?

  Lifeguard in Film : Here, Mr. Powers.

  Frank Powers : Now, Fatso and Cockeye, you get into an argument about who's gonna save her. While you are figuring it out, the midget runs into the water and pulls her out. What is it Bright?

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Nothing. I was just checking to make sure I got the story straight.

  Frank Powers : Jesus, its not all that complicated.

  William Simon aka Billy Bright : Well, well, well what do I do?

  Frank Powers : I told you, you're the ice cream man. Be funny!