The Ant and the Aardvark (1969–1972)

John Byner: Aardvark

Quotes 

• Aardvark : Ten billion ants in this world, and I'm having trouble with just one.

• Aardvark : [after the nurse at the vet gives him porridge]  Porridge. Who does she think I am, Goldilocks? Ant eators only eat ants. And that's an ant.

• Aardvark : [after swallowing the ant and getting hit by a car. They are both in hospital beds]  Boy, I sure got the Ant knocked out of me that time.

  Ant : You ain't just a whistlin' tiptoe through the tulips.

• Aardvark : [after dropping a stick of dynamite into the anthill]  Hey ant. What do you think of that?

  Aardvark : [blows up in his face]  I know what I think of that. But I shouldn't say it in public.

• Aardvark : Anybody know a good tailor? I think I need a new tail.

• Aardvark : [yet another of his schemes backfires]  I'd say something right now, but it would only be censored.

• Aardvark : Maybe I should have been a doctor. Then I could prescribe myself a pill.

• computer : Hi there. How'd it go?

  Aardvark : You might say it was a smashing... failure. And by the way, for a computer, you stink!

  computer : Who said I was a computer? I'm an automatic pop up toaster. And I'll prove it.

  [toast pops out, burying aardvark to the neck in toast] 

  Aardvark : [to the audience]  Anybody got a pound of butter?

• Aardvark : If I had as many friends as that ant, I'd run for governor.

• Aardvark : Hello there. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm an aardvark. I eat ants for a living. I'm a functional creation. Check the profile. That's a profile? And the mouth. Ever see a mouth like this? Let me show you how it works. Say there's an ant beyond that hill. I give a little inhale, like this

  [inhales, sounding like a vacuum and drains a lake] 

  Aardvark : [spits out a fish]  Fish phooey! I'm an anteater. Not a fisheater!

• Aardvark : Believe me, it's no fun being an aardvark. I'd rather be a banker, and have a businessman's lunch. Instead, I have to catch things like him!

  [points to Ant] 

  Ant : [standing next to him]  I'm an ant. And he's an anteater. And do you know, what an ol' ant does when he sees an anteater?

  [in scary voice] 

  Ant : He runs for his life, man

  [runs away] 

• Aardvark : Boy, some hospital. The hospitality around here could make a person sick.

• Ant : [after the Aardvark has surgery to get the Ant out of his stomach]  You bad ol' Aardvark.

  Aardvark : [Removes his shirt to reveal a bandage on his stomach where he had surgery]  It hurt me worse than it hurt you. Believe me.

• Aardvark : I'm gonna get you, ant.

• Aardvark : Slow down, ant! You run off all your fat!

• Aardvark : I hate you, instant hole!

• Aardvark : Hey ant, I just want a word for you: the word is *stop*!

• Aardvark : Believe me, it's no fun being an aardvark. I'd rather be a banker, and have a businessman's lunch. Instead, I have to catch things like him!

  [points to Ant]