- David Kolowitz: You know, Wanda, you're beginning to sound exactly like my mother.
- Wanda: David, I didn't come here to be insulted.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Read the part of Jeff Hemming.
- David Kolowitz: Jeff Hemming?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Yes. Take it from Jeff's entrance. Read.
- David Kolowitz: "Enter laughing. I trust I haven't kept you waiting too long."
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Eh, read that again, will you?
- David Kolowitz: "Enter laughing! I trust I haven't kept you waiting too..."
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Young man, there is a parenthesis around "Enter laughing". It is a - stage direction.
- David Kolowitz: Oh. That means I laugh when I enter?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Exactly. Enter laughing means that you laugh when you enter. Proceed.
- David Kolowitz: May I ask a question? What is he laughing about?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: What is he laughing about?
- Angela Marlowe: It's in the nature of the character. You see, Jeff Hemming is a devil-may-care young man and he's just broken into a solemn, family gathering. They're reading the will.
- David Kolowitz: Who died?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: His Uncle.
- David Kolowitz: And he's laughing? Why?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Just let me hear you laugh and then go into the speech.
- Angela Marlowe: Just let him hear you laugh and then go into the speech.
- [David proceeds to laugh in a variety of ways]
- Angela Marlowe: What happened to Barry Holloway?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: I fired him.
- Angela Marlowe: Why did you do that? Do your realize that this was this boy's whole world? Was his whole life? And he was my height. Why did you fire him?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Because he quit! The idiot wanted to be paid.
- Angela Marlowe: Paid?
- David Kolowitz: [voice-over, imagining he's Ronald Coleman in "Lost Horizon"] Somewhere, someplace, there must be a Lost Horizon. A Shangri-La where a man can find peace, happiness, and lots of naked ladies.
- Mr. Foreman: David, you mixed up with an Italian girl?
- David Kolowitz: What?
- Mr. Foreman: A girl called. She said she's not Italian.
- David Kolowitz: Why?
- Mr. Foreman: I asked her. Listen to me, David. Don't get mixed up with girls yet.
- Angela Marlowe: So, you want to be an actor. Why?
- [proceeds to get dressed]
- David Kolowitz: I - I - I think it's very exciting. Eh, eh, everybody's watching you. You're doing something in and, eh, everybody watches you.
- Angela Marlowe: That's a very good reason.
- Angela Marlowe: I'm sure that this isn't your first time - you've been in a room when a girl is dressing.
- David Kolowitz: No, ma'am.
- Angela Marlowe: Oh, I thought not.
- David Kolowitz: I have a kid sister.
- David Kolowitz: I was at night school, I told you.
- Morris Kolowitz: Night school? What kind of night school stays open so late?
- Emma Kolowitz: A night school for tramps!
- Harrison B. Marlowe: We're going to put you on a scholarship. Five dollars a week.
- David Kolowitz: Five dollars a week! Gee, that's great. I could sure use it.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Use it? What do you mean?
- David Kolowitz: Well, I mean, I could use the extra money.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: No, no, dear boy. We don't pay you, you pay us!
- David Kolowitz: But I thought you said its a scholarship.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: It is. The regular tuition is ten dollars a week.
- Angela Marlowe: There's only one real way to express love.
- David Kolowitz: What?
- Angela Marlowe: Poetry.
- David Kolowitz: What?
- Angela Marlowe: I heard this poem only once. But, I was in love. So, I'll never forget it. "If I were Queen of Pleasure, And you were King of Pain, We'd hunt down love together, Pluck out his flying feather, Teach his feet a measure, If I were KIng of Pleasure, And you were Queen of Pain."
- David Kolowitz: I - I know what you mean.
- Wanda: Do you have a big part?
- David Kolowitz: Well, it's pretty big, yeah. I play kind of a, you know, a playboy. I have to rehearse tonight.
- Wanda: Can I watch?
- David Kolowitz: Well, if you want to. I guess so.
- Wanda: Oh. Oh, I'd love to. A playboy. You don't have to make love or anything, do you?
- David Kolowitz: Who doesn't?
- Wanda: You do?
- Mr. Foreman: David, what you do after work is your own business. But, here, in the shop, you have to act like a person with no tuxedo and no fake mustache. Here I don't need no Greta Garbo.
- Harry Hamburger: What's this naughty boy stuff? What's so naughty about him?
- Miss Laura B: I don't know. I just think he's cute.
- Wanda: She seems to know you very well.
- David Kolowitz: I hardly know her.
- Wanda: Then why did she call you a naughty boy?
- David Kolowitz: I don't know.
- Wanda: Does your actress friend think you're a naughty boy too?
- David Kolowitz: Gee, Wanda, what do you think I am, a sex maniac?
- David Kolowitz: If I had my choice between - between Carole Lombard or Jean Harlow or you, who do you think I'd ask out for a date, huh?
- Angela Marlowe: Me, I suppose.
- David Kolowitz: Well, of course, I would. Those other ladies don't know who I am. They think I'm a creep. They don't even answer my calls.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Damn it! Can't you talk like a human being? Can't you behave like a human being? You are human, aren't you?
- David Kolowitz: Mr. Marlowe, if you think I'm not good, then just tell me. And if you want me to go, I'll go. But, I don't think you should yell at me like that.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Well, I've had enough for one day. Study at home.
- David Kolowitz: Mr. Marlowe, I know I wasn't very good.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: You know it and I know it. Now, our job is to keep that little secret from the audience.
- Wanda: What did she mean by that?
- David Kolowitz: By what?
- Wanda: Don, darling?
- David Kolowitz: Oh, that's just my stage name.
- Wanda: Don Darling?
- David Kolowitz: No. Don Colman. But, darling's what she calls me.
- Wanda: She does?
- David Kolowitz: Well, she's an actress.
- David Kolowitz: Boy was I rotten.
- Angela Marlowe: Don, it was your first time! You were trying. Look, somethings you did - very well.
- David Kolowitz: Yeah, like what?
- Angela Marlowe: The kiss. Oh, you did the kiss very well. It was very convincing.
- David Kolowitz: You did most of it.
- David Kolowitz: I can't let you go home alone. Especially looking like that.
- Wanda: What's the matter with the way I look?
- David Kolowitz: Nothing. Actually, you look very appetizing.
- Wanda: Thank you.
- David Kolowitz: How come you wore that dress?
- Wanda: Because it happens to be the sexiest dress one I own. Since you seem to interested in girls for - physical reasons.
- David Kolowitz: Oh, honey, honey. Wait, wait, wait. Now, that's - that's not true. Just because - just because I look at another girl, every now and then, does not mean that I'm not attracted to you.
- Emma Kolowitz: First acting, then whiskey, now lipstick! What's next?
- Morris Kolowitz: Hula-hula dances.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Young man, let the lady have her lines. Keep your mouth shut when she is speaking. She talks, you answer. You talk, she answers. It's what they call - conversation. Do you understand?
- Miss Laura B: I thought you were the type of person who would make a sacrifice for someone else.
- Harry Hamburger: I do. I do! I give plenty! I give to all the diseases!
- Mr. Foreman: I'll tell you why I called. Because, if I had a boy and he started to act foolish running around the streets without his pants on, I would appreciate if someone spent a nickel and telephoned me.
- David Kolowitz: I was not running around the street without my pants on.
- Mr. Foreman: There are other ways to act foolish.
- Harry Hamburger: Laura's a nice kid, right? I could do worse, right?
- David Kolowitz: Yes.
- Harry Hamburger: And she's built, right? I could do worse.
- Morris Kolowitz: What's so terrible about acting? Look at Paul Muni.
- Emma Kolowitz: For every Paul Muni, there's a thousand bums with holes in their pants.
- Morris Kolowitz: He felt bad, Emma.
- Emma Kolowitz: He felt bad. For a day he'll feel bad. For a week he'll fell bad. For the rest of his life he'll feel good!
- Harry Hamburger: Now, I'm engaged. I mean, here I am, as soon as I take my pants off, and all of the sudden I'm engaged!
- Harry Hamburger: What's the point that's so important that I got to go to a banquet in my underwear?
- Morris Kolowitz: A full dress suit? And a top hat? And a prayer shawl?
- Emma Kolowitz: What kind of part could that be?
- Morris Kolowitz: Maybe - maybe a British rabbi?
- Harrison B. Marlowe: Because you have shown such marvelous talent...
- David Kolowitz: Well...
- Harrison B. Marlowe: No, no, no. I think that you should be allowed to act for nothing.
- David Kolowitz: I know I wasn't very good.
- Harrison B. Marlowe: You know it and I know it. Now, our job is to keep that little secret from the audience.