How to Steal a Million (1966)

Audrey Hepburn: Nicole Bonnet

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Nicole describes the burglar to her Papa] 

  Nicole Bonnet : Well, it was pitch dark and there he was. Tall, blue eyes, slim, quite good-looking... in a brutal, mean way, Papa. A terrible man!

• Nicole Bonnet : Your arm is much better.

  Simon Dermott : Oh no no, it hurts, it hurts.

  Nicole Bonnet : It's the other arm.

  Simon Dermott : The infection is spreading.

• Nicole Bonnet : I can't drive a stolen car!

  Simon Dermott : Same principle, four gears forward, one reverse.

• Simon Dermott : Why must it be this particular work of art?

  Nicole Bonnet : You don't think I'd steal something that didn't belong to me, do you?

  Simon Dermott : Excuse me, I spoke without thinking.

• Simon Dermott : We can leave with the others and have a quiet dinner, or we stay. Then we're committed to go through with it. Do you really want it that much?

  Nicole Bonnet : More!

  Simon Dermott : Okay, you're the boss. Just do as I tell you.

• Nicole Bonnet : I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I got engaged to him. Is it alright? Am I on time?

  Simon Dermott : Perfectly. In fact, we have ten more minutes, so if you want to go back and marry him?

• [Evaluating Nicole's cleaning-woman costume] 

  Simon Dermott : Yes, that's fine. That does it.

  Nicole Bonnet : Does what?

  Simon Dermott : Well, for one thing, it gives Givenchy a night off.

• Nicole Bonnet : I feel like I'm going to faint!

  Simon Dermott : Don't, there's no room.

• Nicole Bonnet : I keep telling you, Papa, when you sell a fake masterpiece, that is a crime!

  Charles Bonnet : But I don't sell them to poor people, only to millionaires.

• Simon Dermott : Where precisely were you in the early part of the sixteenth century?

  Nicole Bonnet : I don't know but that's not how I was dressed.

• Simon Dermott : There's the bathroom, take off your clothes.

  Nicole Bonnet : Are we planning the same sort of crime?

• Nicole Bonnet : Marvelous.

  Simon Dermott : No applause, please. Wait till you see what I do for an encore.

• Charles Bonnet : This tall, good-looking ruffian with blue eyes, he didn't, er, molest you in any way, did he?

  [Nicole is staring off dreamily] 

  Charles Bonnet : Well, did he?

  Nicole Bonnet : Not much.

• Nicole Bonnet : For a burglar you're not very brave, are you?

  Simon Dermott : I'm a society burglar. I don't expect people to rush about shooting me!

• Simon Dermott : [about to see Nicole to a taxi]  Just one more tiny favour: like an idiot I forgot to wear gloves on the job. I may have left some fingerprints. Be an angel. Before you go to bed, just give the frame of the painting a little wipe with a clean cloth, ok?

  Nicole Bonnet : Certainly. Anything else? You wouldn't like a forged passport or some counterfeit money or...

  Simon Dermott : Oh, no no no.

  Nicole Bonnet : You're mad. Utterly mad. I suppose you want to kiss me goodnight?

  Simon Dermott : Oh, I don't usually, not on the first acquaintance, but you've been such a good sport...

  [he kisses her, she resists at first, than yields] 

  Simon Dermott : [to the taxi driver]  38, Rue Parmentier, drive carefully.

  [to Nicole] 

  Simon Dermott : Get a good night's sleep.

• Nicole Bonnet : Don't be such a baby, it's only a flesh wound!

  Simon Dermott : Happens to be my flesh.

• Charles Bonnet : I doubt very much if Van Gogh himself would have gone through so much trouble.

  Nicole Bonnet : He didn't have to. He was Van Gogh!

• Nicole Bonnet : [seeing Simon eye the Venus]  You wouldn't dare!

  Simon Dermott : Fear not. I'm off duty.

• Simon Dermott : [crazy Senor Paravideo comes as Nicole and Simon are leaving]  Who's that?

  Nicole Bonnet : [obviously lying]  Papa's cousin... from South America!

  Simon Dermott : You know for someone who started lying recently, you're showing a real flair!

  Nicole Bonnet : Oh thank you!

  [she hugs him] 

• Charles Bonnet : What have I done? I've given the world a precious opportunity of studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.

  Nicole Bonnet : Which is not by Cellini!

  Charles Bonnet : Ahh, labels, labels. It's working with the Americans that's given you this obsession with labels and brand names. I wish you'd give up that ridiculous job.

• Nicole Bonnet : All right, where to?

  Simon Dermott : The Ritz.

  Nicole Bonnet : The what?

  Simon Dermott : The Hotel Ritz. It's in the Place Vendôme.

  Nicole Bonnet : I know where it is. You're a very chic burglar.

  Simon Dermott : [nodding his head in a agreement]  Mmmhmmm.

• Nicole Bonnet : You really are the smuggest and most hateful man.

• Simon Dermott : Look, it's early, why don't I show you the real Paris?

  Nicole Bonnet : That's very kind of you, but I live here; I was born in Paris.

  Simon Dermott : Oh, that's right, I forgot. Well why don't you show me the real Paris.

• Simon Dermott : [regarding the Venus]  It's a fake, isn't it?

  Nicole Bonnet : I...

  Simon Dermott : No long drawn out stories at this time of night. Just simply nod your head yes or no.

• Simon Dermott : There's the bathroom. Take off your clothes.

  Nicole Bonnet : Are we planning the same sort of crime?

  Simon Dermott : You're quite safe. It's dress rehearsal time. That's why we bought all this lovely junk.

• Nicole Bonnet : He locked the door. He's locked us in!

  Simon Dermott : It's challenging, I admit, but doesn't that make it more interesting?

• Nicole Bonnet : Now where are we going?

  Simon Dermott : My apartment.

  Nicole Bonnet : I'd like to remind you, Mr. Dermott, ours is a business relationship.

• Nicole Bonnet : A lovely dinner. Marvelous wine. How did you know how to choose it?

  Davis Leland : I own a vineyard.

  Nicole Bonnet : Well, what fun!

  Davis Leland : It's a subsidiary of Eastern Coal and Coke.

  Nicole Bonnet : Eastern Coal and Coke?

  Davis Leland : That's a subsidiary of Western Wool and Flax.

  Nicole Bonnet : Fascinating. What's your growth factor?

  Davis Leland : Say! You're marvelous. You're wonderful. You know, usually I have trouble talking with girls, but with you, it's as though you were a member of the Board.

• Charles Bonnet : Didn't he tell you that he's got the great Toulouse-Lautrec from the Bonnet collection?

  Nicole Bonnet : Your Lautrec or Lautrec's Lautrec?

  Charles Bonnet : Mine, naturally.

• Simon Dermott : Comfy?

  Nicole Bonnet : I hadn't counted on there being quite so much togetherness.

• Davis Leland : Made up my mind. Man of action! Snap judgment. I bought a fleet of tankers that way once. One of the best deals I ever made.

  Nicole Bonnet : But I'm not a fleet of tankers and I'm not getting engaged to a man I barely know.

  Davis Leland : Well, you'll get to know me. Look me up in Who's Who, Dun & Bradstreet.

• Nicole Bonnet : If you'll tell me what you're doing and why, I'll buy you a cowboy suit and a set of trains.

• Nicole Bonnet : Is this how you normally work, by the mile?

  Simon Dermott : I'm thinking. Look at my forehead: all wrinkled!

• Nicole Bonnet : Oh dear havens. I'll call you a taxi! And pay for it is that alright!

  Simon Dermott : That's fine. However, if the police find my car parked outside your house. It could mean questions. I'm wanted you know.

  Nicole Bonnet : Alright, I'll drive you home, is that alright?

• Nicole Bonnet : [having just driven Simon home]  Now how do I get home?

  Simon Dermott : You see, you never can tell when you might need a friend.

• Nicole Bonnet : Papa, I caught a burglar!

  Charles Bonnet : Of course you did!

• Nicole Bonnet : [to Davis Leland]  I'm sorry you fell in love with the Venus, but she's not for sale! But believe me if she were mine she'd be on your doorstep in the morning!

• Simon Dermott : [after telling Nicole he won't help her]  Oh don't you dare cry!

  Nicole Bonnet : I"m not I've got something in my eye!

  Simon Dermott : There's nothing wrong with your eye. You're crying to try and soften me up.

  Nicole Bonnet : It's not true!

  Simon Dermott : It won't work. I'm too tough!

• Simon Dermott : [asking about the statue]  Who carved it?

  Nicole Bonnet : My grandfather.

  Simon Dermott : Who posed for it?

  Nicole Bonnet : My grandmother.

  Simon Dermott : Ah.

  Nicole Bonnet : But you're the first one to see a resemblance.

  Simon Dermott : Well I'm very sensitive and perceptive.

• Simon Dermott : I know about their so called tests.

  Nicole Bonnet : Papa, they aren't so called they are!

• Simon Dermott : That thing isn't loaded is it?

  Nicole Bonnet : Course it is.

  [cocks the gun] 

  Nicole Bonnet : Are you armed?

• Nicole Bonnet : [staring to change into her disguise]  Turn around.

  Simon Dermott : What for?

  [realizing what she means] 

  Simon Dermott : They go on over the clothes!

• Nicole Bonnet : Indian wrestling at a time like this?

• Nicole Bonnet : Why?

  Simon Dermott : Why? You asked me why? Well, I ask you why. Why are we breaking into a heavily guarded museum to steal a precious statue which belongs to you? Why?

  Nicole Bonnet : But I told you why. I mean, I told you why I couldn't tell you why.

• Charles Bonnet : We live in a crass, commercial world, with no faith or trust!

  Nicole Bonnet : We must keep Prof. Bauer from examining the Venus.

  Charles Bonnet : But how? I've just given my permission. I've not only put my head into the guillotine, I've unloosened my collar and tie so that they can chop it off.

• Charles Bonnet : Our Venus! Don't you feel a kind of thrilling glow in that?

  Nicole Bonnet : I have chills run up and down my spine.

• Nicole Bonnet : It's very valuable. It's worth a million dollars!

  Simon Dermott : I know. There are also a million policemen prowling around it. That works out to about a dollar a policeman and I don't like the rate of exchange.

• Insurance Clerk : By the way sir, would you like to be present at the technical examination?

  Nicole Bonnet , Charles Bonnet : Tech-technical examination?

• Charles Bonnet : Extraordinary! Is he always so abrupt?

  Nicole Bonnet : Not in a closet.

• Nicole Bonnet : You really are the smuggest and most hateful man.

  Simon Dermott : If you frequent criminal circles, you can't be choosy.