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- Constable Slobotham: Sorry, Sergeant! I thought it was that horrible thing again.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: What horrible thing?
- Constable Slobotham: I don't know. It was something unspeakable.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Unspeakable?
- Constable Slobotham: Yes. Never said a word. It came out of the woods, straight at me. Great big, glaring eyes, long pointed teeth, ten feet tall!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Did you notice anything unusual about it?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: A young lady has disappeared and we're anxious to trace her whereabouts.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Oh? Whereabouts?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Hereabouts.
- Albert Potter: At ten o'clock.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Or thereabouts.
- Constable Slobotham: In this vicinity.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Or roundabouts.
- Constable Slobotham: We're police officers.
- Albert Potter: Or layabouts.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Now then, your name please.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Doctor Watt.
- Constable Slobotham: Doctor who, sir?
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Watt. "Who" was my uncle, or was - I haven't seen him in ages!.
- Constable Slobotham: Sorry, Sergeant! I thought it was that horrible thing again.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: What horrible thing?
- Constable Slobotham: I don't know. It was something unspeakable.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Unspeakable?
- Constable Slobotham: Yes. Never said a word. It came out of the woods, straight at me. Great big, glaring eyes, long pointed teeth, ten feet tall!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Did you notice anything unusual about it?
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Oh this is awful, I wish I was dead.
- Valeria Watt: But Orlando, you are dead.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: So I am, what a life.
- Constable Slobotham: Happen to know what Doris was wearing?
- Albert Potter: Yes, a sort of white frilly blouse with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Did you get that down?
- Albert Potter: Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I was talking to my assistant!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Slobotham, I'm beginning to think he's right. There is something funny going on in this house.
- Constable Slobotham: You don't know the half of it, Sergeant. You should have seen that awful-looking thing they pulled out of that vat just now.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: What awful-looking thing?
- Constable Slobotham: Oh, I can't describe it. It's in that crate over there.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I suppose we should have a look at it. For evidence.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [looking at the body lying in an open crate] Arg! Emily!
- Constable Slobotham: Do you know her, Sergeant?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: This "awful-looking thing" happens to be my wife.
- Constable Slobotham: Oh, bad luck... Well, I mean, bad luck finding her here like that.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Well, never mind that. Help me to get her out of here.
- Constable Slobotham: Sergeant, she's as hard as a rock.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: You don't have to tell me that. I've been married to her for fifteen years!
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Oddbodd, what happened to your ear?
- [Oddbodd makes a gesture that his ear has dropped off]
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Oh, never mind. Ear today, gone tomorrow!
- Constable Slobotham: I'm a police officer and I must warn you that I'll take down anything you say.
- Dan Dann: [flamboyantly] Alright then, trousers.
- Emily Bung: You haven't taken me out for ages
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Don't exaggerate, we went out a couple of months ago, had a lovely time.
- Emily Bung: You call that lovely, my poor mother's funeral.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Well I enjoyed it!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [visiting Valeria in her castle, to warn her] Whatever it was, that took him, it came this way. I think it was some sort of monster. This came off it.
- Valeria Watt: This ear?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Yes, that there.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [on being told Oddbod's finger is missing] I hope he didn't leave it anywhere embarassing! That's the trouble with my regeneration process, it makes everything so brittle. You never know what's going to drop off next.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I have come here, Miss, to perform a duty!
- Valeria Watt: Well, get on with it! I haven't got all night, you know.
- Valeria Watt: [after unexpectedly kissing Det. Sergeant Bung] Forgive me, I just *had* to do that!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: That's all right, Miss. We are here to be of service to the public.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: What time is it?
- Valeria Watt: [looking at her wristwatch] Just past December.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: I told you not to wake me up 'til the beginning of March!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Just a minute, Mr. Potter, where were you last night?
- Albert Potter: In bed.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Any witnesses to corroborate that?
- Albert Potter: My landlady.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Who?
- Albert Potter: She came up with a bottle.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you lodge in.
- Albert Potter: She always comes up with a hot water bottle.
- Constable Slobotham: Sarge, it's just possible that he and the landlady are in collusion.
- Albert Potter: [thinking "collusion" has some sexual connotation] Don't be disgusting, she's over sixty.
- Valeria Watt: Why don't we do what they did to your friend Dracula, drive a spike through his heart?
- Dr. Orlando Watt: No, I don't really feel like driving tonight.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [thinking she was a dummy, then watching a revived Doris sit up] I don't believe it!
- [Bung reaches out to her, like he wants to rap her on the shoulder with his fist]
- Albert Potter: [forcing Bung's hand away] Don't you dare!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I only wanted to see if she was hard or soft.
- Doris Mann: [scared as she and Albert are in the woods on a late night date] I've got a feeling someone's watching us.
- Albert Potter: [sarcastically] Well, good luck to him. I've been courting you a year, and there's been nothing worth watching so far.
- Albert Potter: [after Sgt. Bung said, "There's a house."] Marvelous! But we're not looking for a house. We're looking for Doris.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I know, but this is right in the middle of the woods. They might have heard or seen something suspicious. We can't afford to leave any stone unturned. What's the name of this road, Slobotham?
- Constable Slobotham: Avery Avenue.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Then we must explore Avery Avenue!
- [Albert rolls his eyes]
- Constable Slobotham: [taking notes, about the break-in at the shop, and the dummy being stolen] Now, what precise time would you say this happened, sir?
- Mr. Jones: How should I know? I was only called out of bed half an hour ago.
- Constable Slobotham: Your bed was that, sir?
- Mr. Jones: No, it was... What difference does it make whose bed it was?
- Constable Slobotham: It might make a difference to somebody, sir.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [arriving in his car] What's happened here then?
- Constable Slobotham: [looking at the shattered glass window, and shards of glass everywhere] I'd say it's a clear case of breaking and entering.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [sarcastically] No. You don't say.
- Constable Slobotham: And the footprints inside. I was going to examine them closely for any distinguishing marks.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [amazed at his stupidity] Distinguishing? Can you think of anything more distinguishing than having *six toes*?
- Constable Slobotham: [running into the police lab with Albert] Here Sarge, we've got a lead!
- Albert Potter: This note was pushed through my letterbox, "If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience."
- Constable Slobotham: [handing the note to Bung] Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [examining the note] Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - come on!
- [Albert has just discovered the Mummy of King Rubbatiti]
- Albert Potter: Oh mummy!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: It's only a mummy!
- Albert Potter: [pointing to the mummy] A mummy? With a beard?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Well, they didn't just do it to women - men got pickled too!
- [Mr. Jones reveals that the only thing missing is the dummy that looked like Doris]
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: You haven't guessed who took it?
- Constable Slobotham: I've only been on the job an hour, Sergeant!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [about the obvious suspect Albert Potter who was in love with Doris] Well, you take a week to think it over, while I go and get him!
- Valeria Watt: [as a female body, which has undergone vitrification, is lying in a crate, with the lid ready to be put on it] Like this, she'll stay young and beautiful forever.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: Yes. But not half so much fun.
- Valeria Watt: Put a lid on it.
- Emily Bung: That telephone ringing at all hours of the day and night. It's the invention of the devil. It's like someone walking in on you in the bath, it's an invasion of privacy, that's what it is.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: You in the bath? That'd stop any invasion.
- Emily Bung: Stay at that rotten police station. See if any of them will give you what you get from me.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: It's been so long since I got anything from you, i've forgotten if it's worth having.
- Emily Bung: Either that phone goes or I go, I can promise you that!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Promises, promises - always promises!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I've been up till half six looking for a woman.
- Emily Bung: That should be something you're good at, looking for women.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: I wouldn't say that, last time I tried I found you.
- Albert Potter: [as Slobotham drags him protesting into Sgt. Bung's office] Take your hands off me! What am I supposed to have done?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [referring to the dummy of Doris, which was stolen] Alright, Mr. Potter, all we want to know is: where is it?
- Albert Potter: Well, lummy, it's your police station. You ought to know where it is!
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [pushing his wife out of the way on the bed to get to his trousers under the mattress] I'll say this for you, you make a good trouser press.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [to Valeria] I've been thinking about you all day. Everything I see reminds me of you. I look at my two inkwells and I see your lovely eyes. A letterbox and I saw your lips. In the street, there was a little boy playing...
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [looking at her bosom] ... with two balloons.
- Valeria Watt: [cutting him short] Oh, yes, well, I think that's quite enough of that sort of talk.
- Dan Dann: [seeing people above walking by through the glass ceiling] Ah, Mrs. Peabody. Nice woman, her husband's a customer of mine.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [surprised that Dann is looking at upskirts] Yes. Very interesting, but...
- Dan Dann: You know, I can honestly say that I know everyone who goes past here intimately, you might say.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [facetiously] Yes, I would say that business here is definitely looking up.
- Dan Dann: [watching another woman walking by overhead, another upskirt] No stockings. She never wears them. Mind you, I've seen worse. There's a Scotsman who goes past here in a kilt, you wouldn't give a credence.
- Valeria Watt: [sitting on a couch with Valeria] Yes, but I don't think you're very experienced in the ways of love.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: If you want to know the way, ask a policeman.
- Valeria Watt: I find you very fascinating, Sidney. Would you show me your whistle?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Of course, Miss.
- Valeria Watt: [after he whips out his whistle] I think it's a beautiful one. May I blow it?
- [Bung enthusiastically nods his head affirmatively]
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [Valeria slipped some of the prescription that Dr. Jekyll made up into Sgt. Bung's drink, Bung turning into a Mr. Hyde character] Oh, he looks absolutely lovely.
- Valeria Watt: [as Sgt. Bung amorously grabs Valeria] Sidney, Sidney. Sidney, listen to me.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [excited by how beastly Sgt. Bung has become] Oh, I must have a noggin of that meself.
- Valeria Watt: [Sgt. Bung has grabbed her, and won't let go] Stop it, Sidney! Stop it. Sidney!
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [smiling] No, don't stop him, dear. He's supposed to do thoroughly beastly things.
- Valeria Watt: [firmly, trying to control him] Listen to me. I am your *mistress*.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [grinning from ear to ear] Don't say *that*, dear! It'll only make him worse.
- Valeria Watt: [trying to control Sgt. Bung] You must obey my commands. You hear me? You must obey me. All right.
- Valeria Watt: [as Sgt. Bung lets go of her] Now, there's something I want you to do for me.
- Valeria Watt: [as Sgt. Bung grabs her and tries to kiss her] No, not *that*!
- Constable Slobotham: I thought you ought to know, Sergeant, it's happened again. Another disappearance.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: Did you get a description?
- Constable Slobotham: Naturally. It's a Miss Doris Mann. In her twenties, medium height, average-color hair, ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [sarcastically about the general nature of the description] Well, it should be a piece of cake finding her, shouldn't it?
- Valeria Watt: Junior has brought one back. We must vitrify her immediately.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [looking at the heavyset body of Emily Bung, on the slab] Is this the best you could do? What am I expected to do with this? It's a load of old rubbish.
- Valeria Watt: I can sell it to Lacey's. They deal exclusively with fittings for the matronly figure.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [disparagingly] Well, they'll have a *fit* when they see this one!
- Constable Slobotham: [seeing a life-size painting of a nude woman who has four arms like the goddess Kali inside the Bide-a-Wee Rest Home mansion] Sergeant, notice anything unusual about that woman?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: No. What?
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [enthusiastically as a body is lowered into the boiling vitrification cauldron] Oh, well, here goes... !
- Valeria Watt: [pleading] Oh, please, Orlando. Please, please don't say it.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: [acting innocently] Say what, dear?
- Valeria Watt: [chiding] You know perfectly well what. What you always say at this time. It's in extremely bad taste.
- Dr. Orlando Watt: What is? Oh, you mean: *frying tonight*.
- Valeria Watt: [wincing] Ooh.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [in police station, questioning Albert Potter] You took this girl out to Hocombe woods. For what purpose, Mr. Potter?
- Albert Potter: Well, we just felt like getting a bit of fresh air and that.
- Constable Slobotham: [taking notes] What's that?
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [to Slobotham] Same as the other.
- Detective Sgt. Sidney Bung: [back to addressing Albert] Well, Mr. Potter, you took her into the woods. How far did you go?
- Albert Potter: Oh, not very far, cause I've only known her a year.
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