The Ipcress File (1965)

Michael Caine: Harry Palmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Palmer : The fellow whose job I'm taking, will he show me the ropes?

  Major Dalby : Maybe - if you're in touch with the spirit world.

  Palmer : I beg your pardon?

  Major Dalby : He was shot this morning.

• Major Dalby : The next time you use CC1 authority, just you make sure you have it!

  Palmer : You know, it's funny... If Radcliffe had been here, I'd have been... a hero.

  Major Dalby : He wasn't. And you're not.

• [Courtney has found a gun in Palmer's apartment] 

  Courtney : You know this is unauthorised.

  Palmer : My mother gave it to me for Christmas.

• Major Dalby : [at the armorers]  Give him your gun. Issue him with a Colt .32.

  Murray : [hands Palmer a revolver]  Do you know how to use this?

  Palmer : Colt .32? Yes. I'd sooner have my automatic...

  Major Dalby : [sternly]  You'll use the Colt.

  Palmer : I'll use the Colt.

• Major Dalby : [of Palmer's dossier]  It isn't usual to read a B107 to its subject, Palmer; but I'm gonna put you straight. "Insubordinate. Insolent. A trickster. Perhaps with criminal tendencies."

  Palmer : Yes, that's a pretty fair appraisal - sir.

  Major Dalby : Good. That last quality might be useful. But if I have any trouble with you, Palmer, I shall *bite* you, Palmer, and I shall bite you so hard you'll go right back to where Ross found you!

• [Palmer and Dalby are attending a performance of a military band playing Mozart] 

  Palmer : Very neat. Must we sit through any more of this torture? I've got a lot of things to do.

  Major Dalby : I think they're playing very well.

  Palmer : Tell me who wins.

  [gets up and leaves] 

• Colonel Ross : [after Palmer has shot Dalby]  I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer.

  Palmer : You used me as a decoy. I might have been killed or driven stark raving mad.

  Colonel Ross : That's what you're paid for.

• [Palmer prepares to leave] 

  Inspector Keightley : Now wait a minute. What about her telephone number?

  Palmer : Oh... Disconnected!

• Palmer : You didn't come here to talk to me about button mushrooms and birds.

• Palmer : What are you gonna tell Dalby on your L101?

  Courtney : That you like girls.

  Palmer : You got that right.

  Courtney : You're not the tearaway he thinks you are. You also like books, music, cooking.

  Palmer : I like birds best.

• Courtney : Do you always wear your glasses?

  Palmer : Yes. Except in bed.

• Palmer : [Inside the modern grocery store]  I haven't seen you here before, sir.

  Colonel Ross : No, well, I don't, um, really care for these American... shopping methods. One has to move with the times, I suppose, hmm?

• Colonel Ross : [telling Palmer about his upcoming transfer to Major Dalby's department]  You won't have much time for cooking. Dalby *works* his men. And he doesn't have my sense of humor.

  Palmer : [Said with a straight face]  Yes, sir. I will miss that, sir.

• Inspector Keightley : That little blonde bird you was with the other evening...

  Palmer : Rita?

  Inspector Keightley : That's it. What's her phone number?

  Palmer : You dirty old man!

  Inspector Keightley : Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch hers.

  Palmer : You ought to be locked up!

  Inspector Keightley : I know.

• Carswell : Don't worry, man. You were the only one to come up with anything. He seemed very pleased.

  Palmer : Well, he's got a right comical way of showing it.

• [Carswell is showing Palmer the title of a book] 

  Palmer : [reads]  "Induction of Psychoneuroses by Conditioned Reflex Under Stress". What does that mean?

  Carswell : It means I know now why 17 scientists ceased to function.

  Palmer : Yes?

  Carswell : Look again, boy...

  Carswell : [points out the essential letters of the title]  I-P-C-R-E-S-S.

  Palmer : Ipcress!

• Palmer : [Reporting to Col. Ross's office]  Sergeant Palmer, reporting as ordered.

  Colonel Ross : Close the door... And don't slouch into my office like a pregnant camel. Stand to attention.

• Palmer : Have you seen everything?

  Courtney : Yes, thank you.

  Palmer : Then you know where the... whiskey is?

  Courtney : Yes.

  Palmer : Fix us both one, will you?

• [Palmer comes home early to find agent Courtney searching his flat] 

  Courtney : You're supposed to be at work.

  Palmer : Oh, you are, of course.

• Bluejay : [to a guard]  See that there's padding on those straps next time.

  Palmer : You want to make it easy for me?

  Bluejay : No. For *me*.

• Colonel Ross : [Inside a modern grocery store, picking up a can of mushrooms out of Palmer's shopping cart]  "Champignons"... You're paying ten pence more for a fancy French label. If you want mushrooms, you'd get better value on the next shelf.

  Palmer : It's not just the label. These *do* have a better flavor.

  Colonel Ross : Of course... You're quite the gourmet, aren't you?

• First Agent : [Palmer is late in arriving for his surveillance shift]  You should get up in the morning. Twenty minutes late you are, you know.

  Palmer : Anything new?

  First Agent : It's all in the report. And it's neat and tidy - unlike some. You ought to remember you're still in the Army, boyo

  Palmer : I'll tell you what, you remember for me.

• Colonel Ross : You just love the army, don't you?

  Palmer : Oh, yes, sir. I just love the army, sir.

• Courtney : You were bailed out of detention barracks.

  Palmer : Yes, I was.

  Courtney : So, What bailed you in?

  Palmer : Er... I was stationed in Berlin and I was making rather a lot of money out of the German army, and they insisted that the British army made an example of me.

  Courtney : What did you do?

  Palmer : It's very complicated.

  Courtney : It impressed Ross.

  Palmer : It impressed me. Boy, has he got me by the short hairs for it. Still, it's better than two years in the nick. The food's terrible.

• Colonel Ross : I want you to do a job for me.

  Palmer : Have I any choice?

  Colonel Ross : Frankly, no.

• Major Dalby : Spare us the jokes, Palmer, I don't have Colonel Ross's sense of humour.

  Palmer : Yes, I will miss that, sir.

• Palmer : Stick *that* in my B-107.

  Colonel Ross : Very funny.

• Major Dalby : A word in your shell-like ear: If there's anything to be reported to Ross, *I* report it. Understand?

  Palmer : Yes, sir.