The Road to Hong Kong (1962)

Bob Hope: Chester Babcock

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Quotes 

• Harry Turner : Chester, I give you my SOLEMN word. THIS time it's not dangerous.

  Chester Babcock : Not dangerous?

  Harry Turner : No.

  Chester Babcock : That's what 'cha said when you shot me out of a cannon, when you dropped me in a tank with an octopus, when you had me wrestle a gorilla. It's not dangerous! I'm not goin'. I'm through. I've had it. So forget it, *Charly*!

• Harry Turner : [hands Chester a hand mirror]  Who's that?

  Chester Babcock : [seeing his reflection]  I don't know, but gimme a stick and I'll kill it.

• Chester Babcock : I'll never look at another banana split.

• Chester Babcock : Why do you suppose they're sending *us* up?

  Harry Turner : They wanna find out if it's gonna be safe for the apes.

  Chester Babcock : Oh.

• Chester Babcock : [espying Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra]  The Italians have landed!

  Harry Turner : That's the grape and the twig, isn't is?

  Chester Babcock : Yeah, and they got the bar open.

  Harry Turner : Let's break it up.

  Chester Babcock : Those tourists.

• Leader of the 3rd Echelon : In that rocket, we're about to send two animals around the moon; and, if we succeed, we shall next send two men. And from the moon, that point of impenetrable power, I shall go before the United Nations and demand that they accede to our total and absolute control.

  Chester Babcock : [to Harry]  I think he rolls his own.

• Harry Turner : An hour ago she flipped over me. I don't dig it.

  Chester Babcock : Well, that's understandable. An impressionable young thing falls for an elderly fellow. She probably thought you were a father figure.

  Harry Turner : Father figure?

  Chester Babcock : Yes, then she took another look and found out you had your father's figure.

• Diane : There must be some sensible solution to this problem.

  Harry Turner : Well, of course there is. Two fellas, one girl. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, you come to my house.

  Chester Babcock : Yeah. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, my house.

  Diane : What about Sunday?

  Chester Babcock : Everbody rests.

• Chester Babcock : No, I can see the tears forming in your wallet.

• Harry Turner : Don't I always get you the best medical attention available?

  Chester Babcock : Yeah, like that doctor you got me in Bombay last month.

  Harry Turner : How was I going to know he was an elephant doctor?

  Chester Babcock : You should have known by the size of his thermometer.

  Harry Turner : Yes, was a bit large.

  Chester Babcock : When he shook it, I was still on it.

• Harry Turner : Happy landings, buster!

  Chester Babcock : I don't know what you're so happy about. You're not mentioned in my will.

• [as the neurologist plays his flute during Chester's examination, a cobra rises from its basket] 

  Indian Neurologist : Oh, nothing to worry about. If he should give you a nip, it's very simple. All you do is to get hold of your bowie knife like this, make a cut on here, suck out the poison and spit it away. Very simple.

  Chester Babcock : Yeah, but what if he bites me in a place I can't reach?

  Indian Neurologist : That is when you find out who your real friends are.

• [while agent Diane mistakenly thinks she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer, Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, simply believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman] 

  Diane : [whispers]  Do you think we're being watched?

  Chester Babcock : [noticing Harry staring at them from the bar]  Definitely.

  Diane : Oh, then we'll have to hurry.

  Chester Babcock : Have we got time?

  Diane : If you work fast.

  Chester Babcock : I'll do my best.

  Diane : Good. Now, I've got the room ready at the hotel.

  Chester Babcock : Good.

  Diane : I've made all the arrangements.

  Chester Babcock : Fine.

  Diane : The shades are all drawn.

  Chester Babcock : Very sensible.

  Diane : And we can lock the door from the inside.

  Chester Babcock : Oh, good. I'd hate to get a crowd until I get the hang of it.

• [Agent Diane continues to mistakenly think she's made her secret contact with a microfilm photographer while Chester, thinking himself a chick magnet, still believes he's caught the eye of a beautiful, romantic woman] 

  Diane : Are you sure you've done this sort of thing before?

  Chester Babcock : [suffering from amnesia]  Well, I MUST have. When do we start?

  Diane : Right now.

  Diane : [suddenly shouting]  Darling, it's so wonderful to see you again.

  [She slips him an envelop as she kisses him] 

  Diane : [whispering]  You've got it.

  Chester Babcock : [ego stroked and oblivious to the envelop]  I know it.

  Diane : Don't lose it.

  Chester Babcock : Don't worry.

  Diane : I'll see you at the hotel.

  Chester Babcock : Pull the shades and lock the door.

  Diane : One final thing.

  Chester Babcock : Yes?

  Diane : In case I'm late, you go ahead without me.

• Harry Turner : You got a mind like a sponge.

  Chester Babcock : Yeah, don't get any ideas about squeezing it, either.

• Chester Babcock : [cracks open a fortune cookie and reads]  "You are under grave suspicion. Your partner suspects you of dishonesty."

  Chester Babcock : [passing it to Harry]  Here, it's for you.

• Harry Turner : [gazing out an airplane window]  There she lies, Chester - Hong Kong.

  Chester Babcock : Yeah, what a monument to fried rice.

• Chester Babcock : Hey, we're UNDER water! That's the ocean!

  Harry Turner : So?

  Chester Babcock : So? We spring a little leak, we'll drown.

  Harry Turner : Well, you don't have to worry. You got a built-in snorkel.

• Chester Babcock : [seeing a shark outside the porthole]  Looks like he just ate Lloyd Bridges.

  Harry Turner : Don't worry. They don't eat people.

  Chester Babcock : How about actors.

  Harry Turner : We're safe.

• Diane : Mr. Babcock, if you leave now, you'll be running out on your fellow man.

  Chester Babcock : That still leaves my fellow women.

• Harry Turner : Chester, search your secret soul. Ask your patriotic conscience what to do.

  Chester Babcock : I already did.

  Harry Turner : What'd it say?

  Chester Babcock : "Yankee, go home."

• Chester Babcock : My nose bleeds when I put my carpet slippers on.

• Diane : At least you can die like heroes.

  Chester Babcock : Nah, but we're to old to die.

• Diane : I could love you, body and soul.

  Chester Babcock : They're available, in that order.

• Chester Babcock : Who do you think they'll be shooting at - you or the schnook with the I.B.M. machine up his univac?

• Diane : Trust me and you'll come to no harm.

  Chester Babcock : Trust me and I make no promises.

• Harry Turner : How do we get out of here?

  Diane : The submarine. I can handle it.

  Chester Babcock : I know. I read the script.

• Harry Turner : Those guys mean business. They're killers, murders.

  Chester Babcock : Besides that, they're unfriendly.