- C.C. Baxter: The mirror... it's broken.
- Fran Kubelik: Yes, I know. I like it that way. Makes me look the way I feel.
- [last lines]
- C.C. Baxter: You hear what I said, Miss Kubelik? I absolutely adore you.
- Fran Kubelik: Shut up and deal...
- Margie MacDougall: Night like this, it sorta spooks you, walking into an empty apartment.
- C.C. Baxter: I said I had no family. I didn't say I had an empty apartment.
- C.C. Baxter: Ya know, I used to live like Robinson Crusoe; I mean, shipwrecked among 8 million people. And then one day I saw a footprint in the sand, and there you were.
- Fran Kubelik: He's a taker.
- C.C. Baxter: A what?
- Fran Kubelik: Some people take, some people get took. And they know they're getting took and there's nothing they can do about it.
- C.C. Baxter: Sorry, Mr. Sheldrake.
- J.D. Sheldrake: What do you mean, sorry?
- C.C. Baxter: You're not going to bring anybody to my apartment.
- J.D. Sheldrake: I'm not just bringing anybody; I'm bringing Miss Kubelik.
- C.C. Baxter: Especially not Miss Kubelik.
- J.D. Sheldrake: How's that again?
- C.C. Baxter: [firmly] No key.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Baxter, I picked you for my team because I thought you were a very bright young man. Do you realize what you're doing? Not to me, but to yourself? Normally, it takes years to work your way up to the twenty-seventh floor. But it only takes thirty seconds to be out on the street again. You dig?
- C.C. Baxter: I dig.
- J.D. Sheldrake: So what's it going to be?
- [Baxter slowly reaches into his pocket for a key and drops it on Sheldrake's desk]
- J.D. Sheldrake: Now you're being bright.
- C.C. Baxter: Thank you, sir.
- [Baxter goes back into his office, looks around, then reaches into his closet for his coat and hat. Sheldrake comes in moments later]
- J.D. Sheldrake: Say, Baxter, you gave me the wrong key.
- C.C. Baxter: No, I didn't.
- J.D. Sheldrake: But this is the key to the executive washroom.
- C.C. Baxter: That's right, Mr. Sheldrake. I won't be needing it because I'm all washed up around here.
- J.D. Sheldrake: What's gotten into you, Baxter?
- C.C. Baxter: Just following doctor's orders. I've decided to become a "mensch". You know what that means? A human being.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Now, hold on, Baxter...
- C.C. Baxter: Save it. The old payola won't work anymore. Goodbye, Mr. Sheldrake.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Ya know, you see a girl a couple of times a week, just for laughs, and right away they think you're gonna divorce your wife. Now I ask you, is that fair?
- C.C. Baxter: No, sir, it's very unfair... Especially to your wife.
- Fran Kubelik: Would you mind opening the window?
- C.C. Baxter: Now don't go getting any ideas, Miss Kubelik.
- Fran Kubelik: I just want some fresh air.
- C.C. Baxter: It's only one story down. The best you can do is break a leg.
- Fran Kubelik: So they'll shoot me - like a horse.
- C.C. Baxter: Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to promise me you won't do anything foolish.
- Fran Kubelik: Who'd care?
- C.C. Baxter: I would.
- Fran Kubelik: Why can't I ever fall in love with someone nice like you?
- C.C. Baxter: I know how you feel, Miss Kubelik. You think it's the end of the world - but it's not, really. I went through exactly the same thing myself.
- Fran Kubelik: You did?
- C.C. Baxter: Well, maybe not exactly - I tried to do it with a gun.
- Fran Kubelik: Over a girl?
- C.C. Baxter: Worse than that - She was the wife of my best friend. And I was mad for her, but I knew it was hopeless. So I decided to end it all. I went to a pawnshop and bought a forty-five automatic and drove up to Eden Park. Do you know Cincinnati?
- Fran Kubelik: No, I don't.
- C.C. Baxter: Anyway, I parked the car and loaded the gun... Well, you read in the papers all the time that people shoot themselves, but believe me, it's not that easy. I mean, how do you do it?
- [cocks his finger, and points to his temple]
- C.C. Baxter: Here?
- [points to his mouth]
- C.C. Baxter: Or here?
- [points to his chest]
- C.C. Baxter: Or here? You know where I finally shot myself?
- Fran Kubelik: Where?
- C.C. Baxter: [indicating kneecap] Here.
- Fran Kubelik: In the knee?
- C.C. Baxter: Uh-huh. While I was sitting there, trying to make my mind up, a cop stuck his head in the car, because I was illegally parked. So I started to hide the gun under the seat and it went off - pow!
- Fran Kubelik: [laughing] That's terrible.
- C.C. Baxter: Yeah. Took me a year before I could bend my knee - but I got over the girl in three weeks. She still lives in Cincinnati, has four kids, gained twenty pounds. She sends me a fruit cake every Christmas.
- Fran Kubelik: I never catch colds.
- C.C. Baxter: Really? I was reading some figures from the Sickness and Accident Claims Division. You know that the average New Yorker between the ages of twenty and fifty has two and a half colds a year?
- Fran Kubelik: That makes me feel just terrible.
- C.C. Baxter: Why?
- Fran Kubelik: Well, to make the figures come out even, if I have no colds a year, some poor slob must have five colds a year.
- C.C. Baxter: [sheepishly] Yeah... it's me.
- C.C. Baxter: Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be a second administrative assistant around here unless he's a pretty good judge of character, and as far as I'm concerned you're tops. I mean, decency-wise and otherwise-wise.
- Margie MacDougall: Where will we go, my place or yours?
- C.C. Baxter: [pauses to look at his watch] Might as well go to mine. Everybody else does.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: [entering his apartment, he suddenly hears loud music starting from next door] Mildred! He's at it again.
- C.C. Baxter: Mrs. MacDougall, I think it is only fair to warn you that you are now alone with a notorious sexpot.
- Margie MacDougall: No kidding.
- [first lines]
- C.C. Baxter: [narrating] On November 1st, 1959, the population of New York City was 8,042,783. If you laid all these people end to end, figuring an average height of five feet six and a half inches, they would reach from Times Square to the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan. I know facts like this because I work for an insurance company - Consolidated Life of New York. We're one of the top five companies in the country. Our home office has 31,259 employees, which is more than the entire population of uhh... Natchez, Mississippi. I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: I don't know what you did to that girl in there - and don't tell me - but it was bound to happen, the way you carry on. Live now, pay later. Diner's Club! Why don't you grow up, Baxter? Be a mensch! You know what that means?
- C.C. Baxter: I'm not sure.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: A mensch - a human being! So you got off easy this time. so you were lucky.
- C.C. Baxter: Yeah, wasn't I?
- Fran Kubelik: What's a tennis racket doing in the kitchen?
- C.C. Baxter: Tennis racket? Oh, I remember, I was cooking myself an Italian dinner.
- [Fran looks confused]
- C.C. Baxter: I use it to strain the spaghetti.
- Kirkeby: Say, why don't we have ourselves a party, the four of us?
- C.C. Baxter: No.
- [Kirkeby suddenly sees Fran sleeping in the bedroom]
- Kirkeby: [laughs] Well, I don't blame ya. So you hit the jackpot, eh kid? I mean Kubelik-wise.
- [Baxter pushes Kirkeby out the door]
- Kirkeby: Now don't worry, I won't say a word to anybody.
- [with the door almost shut, Kirkeby pushes in one last time]
- Kirkeby: Stay with it, buddy boy.
- Margie MacDougall: 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring... nothin'... no action... dullsville!
- Mrs. Lieberman: Good evening Mr. Baxter.
- C.C. Baxter: Evening, Mrs. Lieberman.
- Mrs. Lieberman: Some weather we're having.
- C.C. Baxter: Yeah.
- Mrs. Lieberman: Must be from all that mishegaas at Cape Canaveral.
- Margie MacDougall: You married?
- C.C. Baxter: Nope.
- Margie MacDougall: Family?
- C.C. Baxter: Nope.
- Margie MacDougall: Night like this, sorta spooks you walking home to an empty apartment.
- C.C. Baxter: I said I had no family, I didn't say I had an empty apartment.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Oh, I have a present for you. I didn't quite know what to get you. Besides, it's kind of awkward for me shopping, so here's a hundred dollars. You go and buy yourself something.
- C.C. Baxter: It's a wonderful thing, dinner for two.
- Fran Kubelik: Do you usually eat alone?
- C.C. Baxter: Oh no. Sometimes I have dinner with Ed Sullivan. Sometimes Dinah Shore, or Perry Como. The other night I had dinner with Mae West. Of course she was much younger then.
- Fran Kubelik: What do you call it when somebody keeps getting smashed up in automobile accidents?
- C.C. Baxter: Bad insurance risk?
- Fran Kubelik: That's me with men.
- C.C. Baxter: [Opens his bedroom door, tosses a pair of gloves in, and is about to step out, but he has seen Fran lying on the bed] All right, Miss Kubelik, get up.
- [No response from the unconscious Fran]
- C.C. Baxter: It's past checking-out time. The management would greatly appreciate it if you would get the hell out of here!
- [Still no response]
- C.C. Baxter: I used to like you. I used to like you a lot. But it's all over between us. So beat it!
- [No responss]
- C.C. Baxter: O-U-T, out!
- [No response]
- C.C. Baxter: C'mon, wake up!
- [Tries to drag her out, and she falls limp. Then he catches sight of the bottle of sleeping pills]
- C.C. Baxter: Oh, my God...!
- Fran Kubelik: [Baxter is straining spaghetti with a tennis racket] Say, you're pretty good with that racket.
- C.C. Baxter: You should see my backhand. Wait'll you see me serve the meatballs.
- J.D. Sheldrake: I've missed you.
- Fran Kubelik: Like old times. Same booth, same song...
- J.D. Sheldrake: It's been hell.
- Fran Kubelik: Same sauce: sweet and sour.
- C.C. Baxter: [Practicing his speech] Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you. All your troubles are over. I'm going to take Miss Kubelik off your hands. The plain fact is, Mr. Sheldrake, that I love her. I haven't told her yet, but I thought you should be the first to know. After all, you don't really want her, and I do, and although it may sound presumptuous, she needs somebody like me. So I think it would be the thing all around -- solution-wise.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Sorry it took me so long on the phone. But we're all set.
- Fran Kubelik: All set for what?
- J.D. Sheldrake: I rented a car. It's going to be here at one o'clock. We're driving to Atlantic City.
- Fran Kubelik: Atlantic City?
- J.D. Sheldrake: I know it's a drag. But you can't find a hotel room in town, not on New Year's Eve
- Fran Kubelik: Ring out the old year, ring in the new. Ring-a-ding-ding.
- J.D. Sheldrake: I didn't plan it this way, Fran. Actually, it's all Baxter's fault.
- Fran Kubelik: Baxter?
- J.D. Sheldrake: He wouldn't give me the key to the apartment.
- Fran Kubelik: He wouldn't?
- J.D. Sheldrake: Just walked out on me. Quit. Threw that big fat job right in my face.
- Fran Kubelik: [With a faint smile] The nerve.
- J.D. Sheldrake: That little punk, after all I did for him! He said I couldn't bring anybody to his apartment, especially not Miss Kubelik. What's he got against you, anyway?
- Fran Kubelik: I don't know. I guess that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.
- J.D. Sheldrake: [as the piano player starts playing Auld Lang Syne, he kisses Fran, but Fran is preoccupied] Happy New Year, Fran!
- J.D. Sheldrake: [He turns away for a moment then looks back. Fran is gone, and is running to Baxter's apartment] Fran? Where are you, Fran?
- Sheldrake's Wife: What is it, Jeff? Who's on the phone?
- J.D. Sheldrake: One of our employees had an accident. I don't know why they bother me with these things on Christmas day.
- Miss Olsen: Did you have a nice Christmas?
- J.D. Sheldrake: Lovely! You were a big help.
- Miss Olsen: Me?
- J.D. Sheldrake: Thank you for giving that little pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the office party.
- Miss Olsen: I'm sorry, Jeff, you know I never could hold my liquor.
- J.D. Sheldrake: I thought you could hold your tongue!
- Miss Olsen: It won't happen again.
- J.D. Sheldrake: You bet it won't. I'll arrange for you to get a month's severance pay. That's right, Miss Olsen, I'm letting you go.
- Miss Olsen: You let me go 4 years ago, Jeff, only you were cruel enough to make me sit out there and watch all the new models pass by.
- J.D. Sheldrake: I'd appreciate it if you could be out of here as soon as you can.
- Miss Olsen: Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.
- C.C. Baxter: [Talking to Miss Kubelik in front of the building directory, where his name is being added] For that matter, you were wrong about me, too. What you said about those who take and those who get took? Well, Mr. Sheldrake wasn't using me. I was using him. Last month I was at desk 861 on the 19th floor. Now I'm on the 27th floor, paneled office, three windows, so it all worked out fine. We're both getting what we want.
- C.C. Baxter: [Walking into Sheldrake's office, right after he practiced is speech about taking Miss Kubelik off off Sheldrake's hands] Mr. Sheldrake, I've got good news for you...
- J.D. Sheldrake: And I've got good news for you, Baxter. All your troubles are over.
- C.C. Baxter: Sir?
- J.D. Sheldrake: I know how worried you were about Miss Kubelik. Well, stop worrying. I'm going to take her off your hands.
- C.C. Baxter: You're going to take her off my hands?
- J.D. Sheldrake: [Indicating suitcases] That's right. I've moved out of my house. I'm going to be staying in town, at the Athletic Club.
- C.C. Baxter: You left your wife?
- J.D. Sheldrake: Well, if you must know, I fired my secretary, my secretary got to my wife, and my wife fired me. Ain't that a kick in the head?
- Margie MacDougall: Can I ask you a personal question?
- C.C. Baxter: No.
- Margie MacDougall: You got a girlfriend?
- C.C. Baxter: She may be a girl, but she's no friend of mine.
- Margie MacDougall: Still stuck on her, huh?
- C.C. Baxter: Stuck on her? Obviously you do not know me very well.
- Margie MacDougall: I don't know you at all!
- C.C. Baxter: Permit me: C.C. Baxter. Junior executive, Arthur Murray graduate... lover.
- Margie MacDougall: I'm Mrs. MacDougall. Margie to you.
- C.C. Baxter: Look Doc, can't you forget you're a doctor? Let's just say you're here as a neighbor?
- Dr. Dreyfuss: Well, as a doctor I guess I can't prove it wasn't an accident. But as your neighbor I'd like to kick your keister clear around the block!
- Dr. Dreyfuss: [as Baxter sets down a basket of empty bottles] Say Baxter, the way you're belting that stuff, you must have a pair of cast-iron kidneys.
- C.C. Baxter: Well, that's not ME. It's just, once in a while I have a few people in for a drink.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: As a matter of fact, you must be an iron man all around. From what I hear through the walls, you got something going for you every night.
- C.C. Baxter: Well, I'm sorry if it gets noisy.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: And sometimes there's a twilight doubleheader.
- [Clicks his tongue]
- Dr. Dreyfuss: A nebbish like you.
- C.C. Baxter: Yeah. Well, I'll see you, Doc.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: You know, Baxter? I'm doing some research at the Columbia Medical Center. I wonder if you could do us a favor.
- C.C. Baxter: Me?
- Dr. Dreyfuss: When you make out your will -- and the way you're going, you should -- would you mind leaving your body to the university?
- C.C. Baxter: My body?
- [Snickers]
- C.C. Baxter: I'm afraid you guys'd be disappointed. Goodnight, Doc.
- Dr. Dreyfuss: Slow down, kid!
- J.D. Sheldrake: Tell me, Baxter. Have you seen Music Man?
- C.C. Baxter: Not yet. I hear it's one swell show.
- J.D. Sheldrake: How would you like to go tonight?
- C.C. Baxter: You and me? I thought you were taking the branch manager from Kansas City.
- J.D. Sheldrake: No, I have other plans. You can have both tickets.
- C.C. Baxter: Well... that's very kind of you. But I'm not feeling well. See, I've got this cold. I'm gonna go right home.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Baxter, you're not reading me. I told you I have plans.
- C.C. Baxter: So do I. I'm gonna take four aspirins, get into bed, so you might as well give the tickets to somebody else.
- J.D. Sheldrake: Look, Baxter. I'm not just giving these tickets. I wanna swap them.
- C.C. Baxter: Swap 'em? For what?
- J.D. Sheldrake: It also says here that you are alert, astute and quite imaginative.
- C.C. Baxter: Oh? Oh...
- J.D. Sheldrake: That's good thinking, Baxter. There's gonna be a shift in personnel around here next month. And as far as I'm concerned, you are executive material.
- C.C. Baxter: I am?
- J.D. Sheldrake: Now put down the key. And put down the address.
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