- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: It's just that I hate to leave here with you thinking the thoughts that you're thinking.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Who can afford to go crazy at your prices?
- Dr. Roland Cook: You know I plan to open a charity clinic someday.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh, sure, someday.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Well, maybe you'd like to pledge a donation.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I'm helping people to happiness every day.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Yes, I heard that blond telling you how wonderful you were.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Listen you, you... horse doctor. I tried to explain to you that the... oh, what's the use.
- Patsy Clifford: I'd swoon in his arms, and strike up a conversation later.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: This can only be business.
- Patsy Clifford: Well, then, give it to him, dope. Stop being legal aid and be lovely.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Rich or handsome, you won't find me running after any man.
- Patsy Clifford: Oh, If every single girl felt like that, the race would've died out years ago.
- Dr. Roland Cook: This whole thing has a decided air of vulgarity about it.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Vulgarity? What do you call those passes you keep making at June?
- Dr. Roland Cook: You took her away from me in the first place. I'll keep trying right up to the altar.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I suppose you'll keep trying after you're just a friend of the family, dawdling my children on your knee.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: [on the phone with Dr. Roland Cook] I'm stuck with a lunatic. You've gotta come back here and help me.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh, no, no, no, it's just a girl.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Yes, I know. They taught us the difference in medical school.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: I'm afraid I wouldn't be very much good as a gold-digger. Anyway, he'll probably turn out to be 85 with one foot in the grave.
- Patsy Clifford: Good! Then he won't last as long.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Now, you be a good girl and get in this phone booth. Pretend you're a princess and you've been locked in a tower by the unhappy dragon.
- June Chandler: What'll people say? Roland's been announced as best man in all the newspapers.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh, tell 'em he had a nervous breakdown. Heh, psychiatrists do.
- Benjamin Chandler: This is no joke. Too bad you didn't break your leg so you couldn't have gotten here.
- June Chandler: Oh, daddy. You promised to be nice.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I know you've never been particularly fond of me, Mr. Chandler.
- Benjamin Chandler: I can't conceal my disrespect for a grown man intent to work only six hours a week on a radio.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: You think you're traveling with a fellow who can only talk about prune juice?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I don't like your attitude much.
- Dr. Roland Cook: My attitude? Isn't it enough that you took June away from me while I was studying in Menninger's?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Well, you didn't study hard enough. That blond was a total stranger and nuttier than a fruitcake. Couldn't you tell that?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Only if she were lying on a couch.
- Patsy Clifford: If he's over 50, he'll need a secretary to manage his money and... if he's under 50 and good looking... ch, ch.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Patsy, what are you trying to do to my principles? They're all I have left.
- Patsy Clifford: Put 'em in mothballs.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I know the name for you, Moonshine.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Moonshine? Do you think it fits me?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Like a glove. Yellow moon. Blond hair. You see, the word lunar is the Latin word for moon. Hence the word, lunacy. Uh, no offense.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: No offense.
- Dr. Whipple: Could be a loss of memory brought on by the shock of the wedding. Rather common with the abandoned woman.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Well, who abandoned her? I didn't.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: [on the phone with Dr. Roland Cook] Well, she faints, she, she makes wild statements and then she seems normal for a while, and then she... oh, oh, the reporters just came in.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Myrtle, get rid of her, will ya? And be nice to her. She's a little, uh
- [gestures with his hand and head]
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: .
- Myrtle, Cleaning Woman: Since when is she an exception?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh, please. It's the only nice thing I own. Have a heart.
- Repo Man: If I did, I'd be out of business.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: [on phone conversation with Dr. Cook] Come back, will ya, and bring a straightjacket... I know you've got other patients. Well, I'm not going to bring her all the way to La Jolla.
- Dr. Roland Cook: [on phone with Peter] I'll expect you in a couple of hours. Oh, and Peter, be very careful. A woman in her condition is not in control of her actions. If she jumps out of your car, you're legally responsible, so... don't let her get away from you. Goodbye!
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh, I, I feel like such a heel. I mean, about spending your honeymoon with you.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: It couldn't be helped. I don't suppose it's too unusual for people to drive into the ocean. That's life.
- Dr. Roland Cook: This young woman - impressionable, overly sensitive. She's actually formed an emotional attachment from listening to you on the radio.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh, one of those mash things, huh?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh, this is insane.
- Dr. Roland Cook: That's my racket. Let me do the thinking.
- Dr. Roland Cook: [pulls down a wall chart of a female body] Now, just where did you kiss her?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Wh... oh, oh, this is ridiculous.
- Dr. Roland Cook: These are clinical questions. Now do you want me to help her or do you want me to go the police, as I should do?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: No... I probably kissed her several places.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Mm, hmm. The uh, the nape of the neck, for instance?
- [he points to the neck on the chart]
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I... I... I guess so.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Couldn't be worse.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Couldn't be worse?
- Dr. Roland Cook: In so doing, you caused excessive stimulation to her nerve box, as it is sometimes called.
- [he points to the throat on the chart]
- Dr. Roland Cook: I'll refrain from using the technical terms.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Thank you.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: To think that a piece of this cold earth flew off and created such a list of warm things like poetry...
- Dr. Roland Cook: Then I doubt if you'd have a very happy bride on your hands if this poor creature threw herself off the dock while you sailed away.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Off the dock? All I did was have a few drinks of tequila.
- Dr. Roland Cook: You've got a problem, Junior.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: And I knew doc was wrong about... well, I mean, you would never commit suicide, would you?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Not unless you don't get to the point.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh, a little blackmail? And a leading him on so that you can get your girl back?
- Dr. Roland Cook: You must realize that the female nervous system is a delicate mechanism.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I can see that.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Did you kiss her fingertips?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Well, why? Did her hand fall off or something?
- Dr. Roland Cook: I'm sorry; I've got to be systematic.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to take a cook's tour around the human torso.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Sure. We'll always remain good friends. She was in love with my radio voice, not the real me. Hey! Then why did she say that she hates my program?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Oh, uh conversion hysteria, probably.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: What's that?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Nervous condition.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh, you know, the Indians have lyrics too.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Yes. I used them on my program last year for Lionel's Lozenges.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I, uh, I want to apologize for my attitude. I realize that you're putting yourself out to do this.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Yes, but I'm very happy to do it.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Did you have to take advantage of a woman in that condition?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: What do you mean?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Your actions last night only served to worsen the original fixations.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Actions? Nothing happened last night.
- Dr. Roland Cook: She told me everything.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: What is this, a rib or something?
- Dr. Roland Cook: You brought me a mentally ill woman, and en route you aggravated her condition. Now I've got to file a state report on it.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Report? Look, I, I... had a few drinks of tequila. I might have done a couple of harmless things.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Harmless? I'm afraid I've got to ask you a few personal questions. Sit down!
- Dr. Roland Cook: Do you want a suicide on your soul?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Suicide! No! That'd look great in the papers. I mean you can't do this to June. We're practically on our honeymoon.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Can all this harm come from a little necking?
- Dr. Roland Cook: With a normal woman, no. But with one in her condition... I'm afraid that last night you seriously damaged her ganglia.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Her what?
- Dr. Roland Cook: No. You play ball with me, and I won't tell him that you're a fortune hunter.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Well, I explained all that.
- Dr. Roland Cook: And now you're forgetting all that. We tell him nothing.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: You mean you're not going to tell him about his two million?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Not until we're good 'n ready.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: [on the telephone with June] But, June, I... but... but, June, I... but the car just wouldn't run... listen... June... nobody spoke English... I... but... I couldn't - there wasn't any telephone...
- Dr. Roland Cook: How do you like that Pete? A totally undeserving character stumbling into two million dollars while, while I have to walk the streets with a tin cup trying to get 10-cent pledges for my clinic. Well, there's just no justice, Miss Sloane. There's no justice in this world. He not only gets my girl, but two million dollars to boot.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Even in school, I was much brighter too.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Than who?
- Dr. Roland Cook: Peter.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Oh.
- Dr. Roland Cook: Had a better mind, was a think quinker.
- [sic]
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Doctor, you're drunk.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Going back to her?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Who?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Miss Chandler, to marry her?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I suppose so... No! No!
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Good. They say all's fair, isn't it? In love and war, I mean? My stealing you from her?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Who?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane, Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Miss Chandler.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh well, these things happen.
- Dr. Roland Cook: You know, this is the first time I've ever had tequila. I like it because it doesn't hit you like those mortoonis do.
- [sic]
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: [while they're necking passionately] Pete!
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Hmmm?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: How can you make love to me and still be in love with her?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Who?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Miss Chandler.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh...
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: How can you?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I don't know.
- Dr. Roland Cook: You've got a feeling of rejection. So have I. Can't have my girl. Can't have my clinic. Poor people got a right to go crazy just like anybody else.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Doctor, there should be more men like you.
- Bar waiter: Excuse me, folks. That's the only bottle of tequila we have left. May I pour a drink from it?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Who for?
- Bar waiter: [Gestures toward Peter near the fireplace] For the gentleman back there.
- Dr. Roland Cook: The answer is 'No!' He's got his girl and he's got my girl and he may have two million dollars, but he may not have our tequila.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: What's he ever done for us?
- Bar waiter: I understand. Thank you.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: I know how this must've looked to you, but doc can tell you what I was doing, can't you, doc?
- June Chandler: He doesn't have to, darling. I learned the facts of life at boarding school.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Peter?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Hmmm?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: Are you doing this because the doctor asked you to, or because you want to?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Both.
- [he kisses her passionately again]
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: I, I'm all confused. I can't be frank...
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: No.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: ...and tell you that I'm crazy about you but not crazy.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Of course not.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: What would be my place with the other woman?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: What other woman?
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: In your life.
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: Oh.
- Christabel 'Christy' Sloane: You're confused too, aren't you?
- Peter Ulysses Lockwood: [nods his head and they kiss passionately] Uh, huh.