- Count DeHoven: You mean to tell me you let your daughter go and visit Helen without even knowing where she lives?
- Lucy Morgan: Well, yes. She said she'd write in a few days.
- Count DeHoven: But all we know about Helen is that she ran away to marry a man she had never seen. A man she met through a matrimonial agency advertisement.
- Lucy Morgan: Yes, I... I guess that is so.
- Count DeHoven: Don't you know that some of those agencies are the worst kind of traps? That many of the customers are criminals, morons, white slavers, or people who are mentally or physically diseased?
- Lucy Morgan: Oh, I've never given it a thought.
- Count DeHoven: Oh, you American mothers, with your Bridge parties, and beauty shops, and your silly flirtations. Wasting your lives and neglecting your duties. Letting your children run wild for lack of sensible parental supervision.
- Lucy Morgan: Oh, you don't know American children. They're spoiled and disobedient, and drunken.
- Count DeHoven: Drunken? Yes, drunk with the exuberance of youth and sheer joy of living. There's nothing really wrong with the children of today. Nothing that proper environment and congenial home life wouldn't correct.
- Lucy Morgan: What do you expect us modern mothers to do?
- Count DeHoven: Quit trying to be butterflies. Get back to the business of being mothers, like your mother, and your grandmother, and generations of mothers before them.
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: Want to play, Stewart?
- Stewart, Singing Bridge Player: Oh, I suppose so, but I don't like Bridge. My brother lost his wife playing Bridge.
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: You mean to say your brother bet his wife on a Bridge game?
- Stewart, Singing Bridge Player: No, she trumped his ace, and he shot her!
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: That'll never happen to you, you old woman hater.
- Stewart, Singing Bridge Player: I'm not a woman hater, I'm just a happy bachelor!
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: I should think lifelong bachelorhood would be pretty lonely.
- Stewart, Singing Bridge Player: Oh, well, if it was good enough for my father, I guess it's good enough for me!
- Lucy Morgan: [on the phone] So sorry to keep you waiting. Oh, the Escort Bureau. Yes, I did put in a call. I want a nice young man for a bridge party tonight.
- Escort Bureau Manager: Hand me that date book quick. That dizzy Morgan dame's on the line. Now, let's see who's available.
- Lucy Morgan: Just a minute, Marian. You got your allowance yesterday, didn't you?
- Marian Morgan: Yes. Why?
- Lucy Morgan: I'm a little short and I'd like to borrow part of it.
- Marian Morgan: Well, you got your alimony last week, didn't you?
- Lucy Morgan: Yes, but, I have so many expenses.
- Marian Morgan: Gigolos do come high, don't they?
- Harry's Date: Gosh, Harry, be careful where you put your hands.
- Harry: Oh-oh, getting prudish, huh?
- Harry's Date: Gosh, no, darling. Sunburned.
- Beth's Mother: That auto salesman you introduced me to last week was certainly a high pressure guy.
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: Did he talk you into buying a car?
- Beth's Mother: No, he talked me into taking a ride in it.
- Jane, piano player at Bridge party: Did he propose?
- Beth's Mother: Yes. But, not what you're thinking.
- Lucy Morgan: What does it take to warm you up? Cocktails?
- Count DeHoven: No, just a nice girl.
- Lucy Morgan: Well, don't you think I'm nice?
- Count DeHoven: Oh, very.
- Lucy Morgan: Then, why are you so cold?
- Count DeHoven: After all, I was engaged as an escort. I'm supposed to play bridge, drink, dance and be charming generally. But, my agreement says nothing of throwing in love and necking - gratis.
- Lucy Morgan: Well, if you're going to be so mercenary about it, perhaps that can be arranged too.
- Beth's Mother: Maybe I'd like to lose a rubber or two if it would help my love score.
- Stewart, Singing Bridge Player: [singing] Oh, I'm sad and melancholy, for the days that used to be, For the gals and for the pals who were true blue...
- Lucy Morgan: Why can't you get married and have a home of your own?
- Marian Morgan: Because I've never found a man I'd want to marry. The ones that would make good family men are so dumb, I couldn't stand them. And the ones I like are so worthless, I'd starve.
- Escort Bureau Manager: You're young and healthy. I don't think a little necking, more or less, will hurt you.
- Marian Morgan: Some of my gang are going to the Lago Conga Cafe tonight for a jam session. All those jitter bugs will be swinging to that killer-diller marimba band. And you can go with me, if you like.
- Marian Morgan: [surprisingly] You're not going to try to take advantage of me or anything like that?
- Marian Morgan: You ought to realize, Mother, that you're no longer attractive to young men. You had your day. So, why don't you stop trying to fool yourself.
- Lucy Morgan: I won't give up. I won't!
- Lucy Morgan: I want some of the good things of life that I was cheated out of by a loveless marriage.
- The Madam: Well, have you come to your senses?
- Marian Morgan: I'll never do what you want me to.
- The Madam: You little fool, I'll give you one more day to change your mind. Then, I'm going to start working on you.
- Marian Morgan: You wouldn't dare!
- The Madam: No? I would have done it before now only I didn't want to bruise you up. I'm saving you for a very special customer.
- Pearl, the Madam's Maid: What chu all doin', Miss Mazzie?
- Count DeHoven: I was just admiring this suit of armor. I'm rather of connoisseur of such things, you know.
- Pearl, the Madam's Maid: Oh, yes, sir. You sure is.
- Count DeHoven: Shall we go?
- [Count leaves with Helen, aka Mazzie]
- Pearl, the Madam's Maid: Conno - sure? Man, that *is* a five dollar word! Mmm-mmm.
- Count DeHoven: I got my American citizenship papers yesterday and I've got a job. We'll get married and can live like self-respecting, self-supporting Americans should.
- [last lines]
- Lucy Morgan: This is Miss Morgan. I'd like an escort for this evening. Oh, a nice young college type - about 27 or 28. About my own age, you know.
- Beth's Date: [kiss] How do you like my long kisses, Beth?
- Beth: Give another sample, honey, and I'll tell you in a half hour.
- Beth's Date: Howdy, girl, pucker up!
- [kiss]
- Policeman's Date: And what was it Danny?
- Policeman: Just a couple of lovebirds.
- Policeman's Date: And why'd you shoo them away?
- Policeman: Because, when a man wants to goo, he wants to goo. And I don't want any lovebirds perched that close when I'm gooin'.
- Policeman's Date: Ohhh!
- [kiss]
- Policeman's Date: Ohhh!