Way Out West (1937)
Oliver Hardy: Oliver Hardy
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Quotes
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Oliver : Well, fan my brow! I'm from the South!
Mary Roberts : You are?
Stan : Well, shut my mouth! I'm from the South too!
Oliver : The South of what, sir?
Stan : The South of London.
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Oliver : A lot of weather we've been having lately!
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Oliver : This is another nice mess you've gotten me into!
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Stan : Your hat's dry.
Oliver : Oh that reminds me, you made a statement this afternoon.
Stan : Did I?
Oliver : Mmm-hmmm. You said if we didn't get the deed, you'd eat my hat.
Stan : Oh, now you're taking me illiterally.
Oliver : Nevertheless, I'm going to teach you not to make rash promises.
[Puts hat in his lap]
Oliver : Eat the hat.
Stan : Oh that's silly. Whoever heard of anybody eating a hat?
Oliver : Whoever heard of anybody doing *that*.
[Immitates Stan's thumb lighter gimmick]
Oliver : Eat the hat!
Stan : [Gives it back] I won't do it.
Oliver : [Slams it back in his lap] If you don't eat that hat, I'll tie you to a tree and let the buzzards get you!
Stan : Would you really do that?
Oliver : I certainly would.
[Stan says something incoherant due to him crying]
Oliver : [Showing no sympathy] Eat it.
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Sheriff : [having just gotten a tearful earful from his distraught wife about The Boys' having romantically harassed her on the coach] Fiddlin', huh?
Oliver : [absent-mindedly nods in agreement, then hastily shakes his head rapidly and forcefully, realizing that he should not be admitting to any wrongdoing]
Sheriff : Well... we don't like your kind around these parts! And there's one thing in this here town - - we DON'T allow! And that's messing with our women! Now, if you want to stay healthy, you'll catch the next coach out of town.
Oliver : Yes, sir. We'll be right on our way just as soon as we finish up with our business.
Sheriff : And if you MISS the next coach...
Sheriff : [draws revolver]
Sheriff : You'll be riding out of here in a HEARSE!
Sheriff : [slides the gun back into his holster with an angry shove] G'day, strangers!
[walks away huffily]
Stan : [with an innocently cheerful friendly wave after the departing sheriff, showing that he fails to grasp the gravity of the situation] Goodbye...!
Oliver : [hastiy shushing him] Let well enough alone!
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Mickey Finn : I'm Mary's legal guardian. What do you want to see her for?
Ollie : [smiling and shutting his eyes in his famous charming disarming way] Well, sir, we aren't supposed to talk about that to anyone else.
Stan : [attempting to speak in a serious, slightly self-important tone, but obviously just blabbing away carelessly] Yeah, you see, it's PRIVATE. Her father died and left her a gold mine, and we're not supposed tell it to anyone but her, right Ollie?
Ollie : [looking disgusted at Stan's stupidity] Now that he's taken you into our CONFIDENCE...
[gives Stan an annoyed shove]
Ollie : You might as well know the rest!
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Lola Marcel : [shows Finn the deed] Ha - *ha*!
Mickey Finn : Ho - *ho*!
Ollie : [grabs the deed] He - *he*!
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Ollie : [Talking to Lola posing as Mary Roberts] Little lady, you've heard the worst. Now, prepare yourself for the best. Now cheer up. Smile. That's right. Remember: ''every cloud has a silver lining''.
Stan : [in an attempt to wax poetic like Ollie] That's right - any bird can build a nest, but it isn't every one that can lay an egg.
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Mickey Finn : [the real Mary knocks at the door] Who's there?
Mary Roberts : Mary.
Stan : Mary who?
Mickey Finn : [nervously] Mary - Merry Christmas. Ohhh...
[opens the door]
Mary Roberts : Excuse me, Mr. Finn, one of these gentlemen dropped this at the foot of the stairs.
Ollie : [takes the deed from her hands, not recognizing her as the real Mary] Oh, oh why thank you, little lady, you don't know what you've done, thanks!
Mickey Finn : [shows Mary out of the room, closing the door] All right, all right, all right.
Ollie : [hands the deed to Lola, unaware that she's pretending to be Mary] There you are: signed, sealed, and now delivered.
Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale : Oh, thank you so much.
Ollie : Not at all.
[Mickey Finn utters a sigh of exhausted relief]
Ollie : Come Stanley, we'd better be going.
Stan : Oh say, what about the locket?
Ollie : That's right I...
Stan : We've got something else for you.
Ollie : I almost forgot it.
[puts on his derby and loosens his necktie]
Ollie : And besides that...
[unbuttons his shirt and takes out the locket]
Ollie : your father left you this family heirloom.
Lola Marcel, the Singing Nightingale : Oh yes, I - I remember it well.
Ollie : Help me get it off, Stanley.
[Ollie loosens his collar while Stan tries to take the locket chain off of Ollie's neck by pulling it up around his chin]
Stan : Am I hurting you?
Ollie : No, just a minute.
Stan : Won't be long.
[Stan tries again to take the chain off of Ollie]
Stan : Maybe I'd better try and open it again.
Ollie : I think so.
[Stan loosens Ollie's collar to get to the clasp]
Stan : It slipped.
[Stan unbuttons Ollie's shirt]
Stan : Maybe you'd better take your coat off.
Ollie : [starts to take off his coat] Pardon me just a minute.
[Stan removes Ollie's necktie and collar; Ollie takes his suspenders off and the locket falls down his trousers leg to the floor]
Ollie : [Stan reaches up Ollie's back and finds a thread, Ollie breaks the thread and discovers an unraveled undergarment] We'll find it in just a moment.
[Ollie takes off his shirt, and Stan notices the locket on the floor and picks it up]
Ollie : We got it.
[Stan hands the locket to Lola]
Ollie : I'm gonna go in and change, pardon us.
[Ollie goes into the bedroom to put his clothes back on, and Stan follows]
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Stan : [Ollie lays his clothes on the bed, Stan sits down] Say Ollie?
Oliver : What?
Stan : Now that you've got your clothes off, why don't you take a bath?,
Oliver : Would you mind leaving the room? Can't I ever have a little privacy?
Stan : I was just trying to kill two birds with one stone.
Mickey Finn : [in the living room] And I'll take care of those two bozos and get them out of town.
Lola Marcel : [Stan opens the door and overhears Lola talking to Mickey] Don't worry, leave everything to me. I've done pretty good up to now, haven't I?
Stan : You certainly have, I wish you were in my shoes.
Mickey Finn : Eh-hrm, oh how about a drink on the house?
Oliver : That suits me fine.
Stan : How'd you get dressed so quick?
Oliver : None of your business.
[Finn goes to open his front door]
Oliver : Goodbye Miss Roberts, and thanks for the use of your boudoir.
Lola Marcel : You're very welcome.
Stan : Goodbye. Now that you've got the mine, I bet you'll be a swell gold-digger.
[Ollie pushes Stan out the door as Finn leaves the room]
Lola Marcel : [Lola examines the deed as Finn re-enters the room a moment later, hiding the deed behind her back] What did you leave them for?
Mickey Finn : I'll send her right up, you have her sign that deed over to us.
Lola Marcel : Oh, don't worry about me, get those guys out of town, and pronto!
Mickey Finn : All right!
[Finn goes down to the saloon]
Lola Marcel : What a cinch!
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Ollie : [Mary comes downstairs] Goodbye, Miss... uh... Miss... uh...
Mary Roberts : Roberts, Mary Roberts.
Ollie : Goodbye, Miss Roberts.
Stan : Goodbye.
Ollie : [Stan and Ollie stop walking, Ollie does a double take] Did you hear what she said her name was?
Stan : Sure, Mary Roberts.
Ollie : How can she be Mary Roberts when we've just given the deed to Mary Roberts?
Stan : I don't know.
[Stan crushes out a cigar butt with his shoe]
Ollie : I smell a rat.
Stan : I smell something too.
[Stan discovers his shoe is smoking from the cigar butt, dunks his feet into the janitor's water pail]
Ollie : Come on.
[Stan and Ollie go back to the kitchen; they remove their hats]
Ollie : Pardon me, did you ever have a father by the name of Cy Roberts?
Mary Roberts : Why, yes. He left me here with these people years ago when he went prospecting.
Ollie : Well, who's that woman upstairs?
Mary Roberts : That's Lola Marcel, Mr. Finn's wife. She's my legal guardian now.
Stan : [Stan taps Ollie on the shoulder, and accidentally bangs his head on a hanging frying pan] Can I speak to you for a minute?
Ollie : Pardon us.
Stan : Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Stan and Ollie head for the main hall]
Stan : You know what?
Ollie : What?
Stan : I think we've given that deed to the wrong woman. That's the first mistake we've made since that guy sold us the Brooklyn Bridge.
Ollie : Oh, buying that bridge was no mistake. That's gonna be worth a lot of money to us someday.
Stan : Well, maybe you're right. We'd better go and get the deed.
Ollie : Say, maybe they won't give it back to us.
Stan : What do you mean, they won't give it back to us? We'll get that deed, or I'll eat your hat.
Ollie : That's what I call determination.
[Ollie shakes Stan's hand; they head upstairs]
Ollie : Come on.
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Stan : [Ollie knocks on Mickey Finn's door] Who's there?
Ollie : Me.
Stan : Me, who?
Ollie : [annoyed at Stan's response] "Me, who?"
[Mickey Finn goes to the door, Ollie knocks on his head]
Mickey Finn : Well - What do you want?
Ollie : Out of my way, you snake in the grass!
[Ollie brushes Finn aside]
Stan : You toad in the hole.
[Stan yanks Finn's necktie, Finn kicks Stan in retaliation]
Lola Marcel : Say you slugs, what do you mean busting in here like this?
Stan : We want to know why you are not Mary Roberts.
Ollie : I'll take care of this matter.
Lola Marcel : So you got wise, huh? Well, if it's this deed you're after, you're just out of luck.
[Ollie grabs the deed from Lola, and a chase ensues]
Lola Marcel : Give that back to me!
Ollie : Take it, Stan!
[Ollie pursues Mickey Finn]
Ollie : Beat it!
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[last lines]
Stan , Ollie , Mary Roberts : [singing] We're going to go, we're going to go / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see / We're going to see my home in Dixie / You can tell the world we're going to...
Ollie , Mary Roberts : D - I - X...
Stan : [music stops] I know how to spell it.
Ollie , Mary Roberts : [music resumes] Then we're going,
Stan : [sings separately] All right, we're going,
Ollie , Mary Roberts : You know we're going,
Stan : [sings] You bet we're going
Stan , Ollie , Mary Roberts : To our home in Dixie land / We're going to go way down in Dixie / Where the hens are doggone glad to lay / Scrambled eggs in the new-mown hay / We're going to see, we're going to see...
[song fades out as Ollie falls into the creek]
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Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys : On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine
Oliver : Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree
Stan , Oliver : In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
Stan , Oliver : In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine
Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited) : [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /
[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]
Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited) : / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited) : [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine
[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]
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Mickey Finn : [holding a pistol] Now, get out of here!
[knock on the door]
Mickey Finn : Who's there?
Sheriff : The sheriff.
Ollie : Just in the nick of time! Now we'll get justice! Come in, Sheriff, you're just the man I'm looking for!
Sheriff : And you're just the man I'm looking for.
Ollie : Oh thank you, this man -
[Ollie recognizes the Sheriff whose wife was pestered by Stan and Ollie in the stagecoach]
Ollie : Ohhh!
[Stan laughs hysterically]
Sheriff : [Ollie taps Stan on the shoulder, he stops laughing] I thought I told you two dudes to catch the next coach out of town.
Ollie : [meekly] Yes, sir.
Sheriff : Well, it left ten minutes ago.
Ollie : It did? Well, maybe we'd better try and catch it.
Sheriff : Well, I'd say you'd better!
[the Sheriff fires his guns, chasing Stan and Ollie out of town]
Sheriff : Look at 'em go!
Mickey Finn : Ha, you can't see 'em for dust!
[Sheriff laughs]
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Lead Singer of the Avalon Boys : On a mountain in Virginia / Stands a lonesome pine / Just below is the cabin home / Of a little girl of mine
Oliver : Her name is June and very, very soon / She'll belong to me / For I know she's waiting there for me / 'Neath that lone pine tree
Stan , Oliver : In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine / Oh June, just like the mountains, I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
Oliver : Oo-oo-oo
Stan , Oliver : In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine
Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited) : [Stan starts singing in a deep bass voice] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome pine / In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine / Where she carved her name and I carved mine /
[Ollie talks to the bartender, who gives him a mallet]
Stan's Bass Singing (uncredited) : / Oh June, like the mountains I'm blue / Like the pine, I am lonesome for you
Stan's Falsetto Voice (uncredited) : [Ollie hits Stan with a mallet; Stan's voice changes to a high falsetto] In the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia / On the trail of the lonesome piiiine
[song ends with Stan falling down; his head hits a cuspidor and he snores]
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Mickey Finn : [from the staircase] Hey! If you come upstairs, I'll introduce you to Mary Roberts.
Oliver : Right away, sir.
Mary Roberts : [enters from the kitchen] Did you call me, Mr. Finn?
Mickey Finn : [runs down the stairs] Ohhh! Get back into the kitchen where you belong! Go ahead now, don't bother me!
[goes up the stairs to his residence]
Mickey Finn : This way gentlemen, come right this way.
[stumbles on the staircase]
