Goonies fans started doing the truffle shuffle this month when barely credible news source The Sun reported that Goonies 2 had received the green light. The story contains many promising quotes, but tellingly, all of the details came from “a source.” If you’re a superfan inclined to believe anonymous voices, then you were probably thrilled to learn that:

“The plan is to start developing the ideas for the follow-up next summer, with a possible release date of 2026 or 2027.”“The original is so culturally significant, Warner Bros. knows they have to get it totally right.”“It’s likely major stars will come back, but the possibilities of where to take the sequel are endless.”“The team who are going to be starting work on the project are so excited.”

Goonies fans were stoked.

There’s only one problem, says Variety, along with the original stars: The report is complete bullshit.

The...