Zack Snyder's 2006 film "300," based on the comic book by Frank Miller, tells a hyper-stylized and not-the-least-bit-historically-accurate version of the Battle of Thermopylae (480 BC) wherein 300 Spartan soldiers managed to fend off anywhere from 120,000 to 300,000 soldiers of the Persian Empire for three full days. Both Miller's book and Snyder's film present the Spartans as teeth-gashing, testosterone-spitting, Spam-scented beefcake slabs comprised of nothing but pectoral muscles, testicles, and homophobia. They speak in "Join the Marines" recruiting slogans and disparage anything that's not at least 4000% more masculine than a two-ton bag of Tom Jones' chest hair.

Speaking of chest hair, none of the Spartans have any, happy to parade around their cartoonishly cut physiques as if they all possess a severe shirt allergy. Leading the charge is King Leonidas (Gerard Butler), a man who cannot help but add multiple exclamation marks after every sentence he speaks.

"300" was a massive hit,...