Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Donna and Janet, two girls in Runcorn, Cheshire, are best friends. When Donna bemoans her lack of a boyfriend, Janet arranges a date for her with her boyfriend Jonny's pal Gaz. Initially the double date gets off to a bad start, but Donna decides to give Gaz another chance. She goes to his flat where, having discovered his stash of porn magazines, she has sex with him. Squeaky-voiced student Louise gets a bar job but quits after the landlord offers her a bag of peanuts to have sex with him.

Gaz goes to lunch at Donna's to meet her family, and is unnerved by her mother Flo's overtures. Gaz also advises Jonny how to make Janet love him more, such as being nasty to her, then disappearing. When Janet finds out, she breaks Gaz's nose and he ends up in hospital in the same ward as Jonny, who was attacked by an old lady he tried to help across the road, but least Jonny and Janet reconcile.

Gaz finds Donna's toothbrush at his flat and worries that she wants to move in with him. Janet looks for ways to spice up her relationship with Jonny, such as buying sexy underwear. However, this makes him suspect that she is seeing another man, and he and Gaz almost attack the suspect before the truth is revealed. Louise falls for a gay man and decides to become a fag hag.

Feeling the need to better herself, Janet enrolls as a student and Louise's friend Cameron invites her to read poetry at a student meeting. Unfortunately, she doesn't go down well, but when Jonny, who opposed the idea, comes to her defense, he gets a good reception. Later, Jonny turns down the advances of two female fans to watch TV instead, but Gaz decides to go on the pull, and after she catches him sniffing her mother's hair, Donna pushes him into the canal.

Jonny finds himself unexpectedly attracted to Louise until he kisses her and thinks that her breath smells of lard. Donna decides to decorate Gaz's flat; he finds the finished result too feminine for his taste, but sex with Donna makes everything all right. Janet tries her hand as a stand-up comedian. She does not do well until she finds out about Jonny, Louise, and the lard, which becomes a popular subject.

Both Janet and Donna believe that they are pregnant. Jonny, who has discovered he wants more out of life but is disappointed by the things he has tried, is ultimately pleased. However it turns out to be a false alarm. Donna, on the other hand, really does appear to be expecting.

Donna discovers that she is not pregnant after all, which disappoints Gaz, who had hoped fatherhood would make him more responsible However, Janet persuades him that he can still be responsible without a child. He decides to show Donna his romantic side by inviting her to the 'best drinking establishment in town,' which turns out to be a can of lager in his garage. Louise's psychic predictions fall flat once more after she encourages Jonny to become a mime.

When Jonny wins 1000 pounds on a Lotto scratch-card, everybody has their own idea of how he should spend it, Janet throwing a party in the hopes that he will use the money to buy an engagement ring. He eventually uses it to hire a bouncy castle and Bungle, a puppet bear from a children's television show. Louise sees her new man James as a sex machine, but he turns out to be a virgin.

Jonny is jealous when Janet finds a love letter from handsome old flame Andy, though she tells him she is merely being nostalgic. To allay his fears she introduces him to 'Andy', who is actually wimpy little Colin from the chemist's. Louise goes off James and wonders if she is a lesbian, getting Donna and Janet to experiment with her, though it does nothing for her and she realises that she just does not fancy James. Meanwhile, Flo wants Donna to move out so that she can turn her room into a saucy massage parlour.

Though Jonny is convinced that he is seriously ill, Janet has her doubts and goes off to the Archer, the local pub, to meet Andy. Outside the pub they are seen by Gaz and Louise, and Louise tells Jonny. Louise also buys a dog as a man substitute; she calls him Chesney and dresses him in clothes similar to hers, but he gets run over. Meanwhile, Donna agrees to move in with Gaz.

Donna and Gaz each draw up a list of things that they expect each other to do in order to make their flat-share easier, but his list contains silly things that annoy her. Janet and Jonny also argue, about her seeing Andy. As a result, Donna goes to spend the night at Jonny's flat while Janet comes to Gaz's, which shocks Louise.

Jonny is confused to wake up and find Donna bringing him tea in bed though he makes a miracle recovery and they go to Andy's house to look for Janet. She is not there, but eventually both couples meet up in the Archer where there is general reconciliation and Jonny finally gives Janet an engagement ring. However, from its inscription 'Mo Mo and Pigsy,' Janet realises that it is a family heirloom that Jonny stole from Andy's house.

Gaz is shocked when a lad called Munch arrives at the garage where he works, claiming to be his half-brother. Initially lukewarm, Gaz starts to like Munch when he finds that he has a great porn collection. Jonny proposes to Janet, but she wants him to find work in order to buy a proper engagement ring. He is spectacularly unsuccessful, so Janet proposes instead, with a ring made of tinfoil. Louise now takes up with Andy, who takes her to a smart restaurant--but runs off, leaving her to pay the bill.

Jonny urges Janet to give up smoking; unfortunately, she becomes very violent, so Jonny gives up and lets her start puffing again. Louise receives a Valentine's card that turns out to be from David Fish, whom she remembers as a spotty schoolmate, but after 8 years in Australia, he has returned as something of a catch. Donna and Gaz decide to spice up their sex life, but Donna is appalled after finding Gaz experimenting with whipped cream and bondage and runs out of the flat, leaving him handcuffed to the bed.

A reluctant Jonny puts his hand down Gaz's little briefs to get the key to release him from his bondage. Donna, however, is still keen on the idea of kinky sex and dresses as a dominatrix but is embarrassed when Gaz comes in with Munch while she is going through her paces. At Janet's request, Jonny agrees to ask her father Peter for permission to marry her. Counseled by Janet, Louise agrees to be more mature in order to keep David.

Louise and Donna fall out when it transpires that Donna also went out with David Fish. Pete refuses to agree to Janet getting married to Jonny, so they decide to have a cut-price registry service. Janet gets a second-hand wedding dress but the previous owner was rather bigger than she and it needs to be taken in.

Jonny finally blackmails Pete into agreeing to the wedding after he discovers that he is having sex with Flo, but when Janet asks about the change of heart, Jonny tells her that has discovered that Pete is a secret transvestite. Donna and Louise make up their differences and act as Janet's bridesmaids, but Gaz is rushed to hospital after Munch finds him unconscious in the garage. People assume that it was a suicide bid but he was really just dead drunk.

The three girls go shopping for wedding dresses, financed by Pete. Janet wants to look radiant and chooses ugly dresses for the bridesmaids; they attempt to destroy them, which lands Janet with a bill for damages. However, Louise has a cunning plan which allows Janet to have the dress she wants at a knock-down price. Meanwhile, Jonny and Gaz steal a barrel of beer from outside the Archer but find that it only contains soapy water.

Donna and Gaz find their peace disturbed by noisy neighbours who repeatedly play Dana records. Jonny agrees to get a job at a D.I.Y. store but is forced to quit after his female superiors sexually harass him. Louise decides to dress and act like a child to stop her from getting old, and David has a sensible talk with her.

As they finally get round to sex after weeks of celibacy, Louise is rather overwhelmed to find that David goes like a train though he confesses that he is only giving her what he thinks she wants. Janet and Jonny start to worry over the fact that they rarely argue and Gaz suggests to Donna she has more nights out with the girls, so she she just goes out and stays outside the flat to fool him.

Janet prepares her list of wedding presents, some of which are very expensive, so Jonny takes Donna to the local dump to find cheaper substitutes--mostly trash. However they do find a valuable collectors' item: a programme from the 1950 Cup Final; but Gaz burns it in disgust because Liverpool lost, thus throwing away the chance to make a lot of money.

David gives Louise a plant to nurture as a love test, but she feels patronised and takes it the wrong way. Donna and Gaz also row after he accuses her of giving him sexual warts--which turn out to be piles. Donna and David, both feeling dejected, meet and talk. Feeling that Jonny no longer loves her, Janet packs her bags and leaves him.

As Janet prepares to leave Jonny, she finds a photo taken on the night that they met and the show turns into a long flashback detailing how Donna, Janet, and Louise went on the pull to a nightclub where they met Jonny and Gaz. This is a musical episode with the characters singing original songs in pastiches of popular numbers at the time.

Janet leaves a note for Jonny and moves in with Louise, who is feeling sorry for herself after David left her. Gaz is also angry with David, believing that he had sex with Donna, and challenges him to a drinking competition, which David wins. Louise gets back with David,then dumps him for dumping her. Jonny finally finds the note Janet left him after it has been turned into a paper aeroplane and he is desolate.

Louise is told that she cannot have her degree unless she returns a library book she once borrowed, 'Piggy Goes Oink.' She suspects David of taking it to spite her, but to Gaz's consternation, David is encouraging Donna to better herself by becoming a student. Janet regrets leaving Jonny, but when she goes to make up with him, she sees him kissing Kate, the barmaid at the Archer.