Jim Carrey nel ruolo di...
Bruce Nolan
- Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
- Grace: Oh, thank you, God.
- Bruce: Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
- [Grace gasps in disbelief]
- Bruce: Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
- [mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
- Bruce: Oh, well. No big deal.
- Control Booth Operator: Oh boy.
- Bruce: Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
- Bill, Ferry Owner: That's all right.
- Bruce: No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
- Grace: Come on. What are you doing?
- Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
- Bill, Ferry Owner: Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
- Bruce: [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
- [sticking his face into the camera]
- Bruce: Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
- Jack: Cut the feed. Cut to black.
- Control Booth Operator: I'm on it.
- Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
- [makes a fist gesture]
- Bruce: fuckers.
- Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Oh darn, all this horsepower and no room to gallop!
- [Bruce sticks his two index fingers out, and moves them apart, causing all the cars to automatically pull over, leaving the way clear]
- Bruce: High ho silver, away!
- [Bruce drives down the road at high speed]
- Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me? Who are you?
- God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and Earth. Alpha and Omega.
- Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going.
- God: Bruce... I'm God.
- Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says... God! Bing bing bing bing bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK!
- Bruce: [being overwhelmed with hearing prayers] Give me a break!
- God: [Bruce is instantly transported to meet with him] Really something, isn't it?
- Bruce: Is this heaven?
- God: No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
- Bruce: [after a pause] I'm DEAD?
- God: Naw, I'm just messing with ya.
- Bruce: That's not funny, Man! That is NOT funny.
- [Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]
- Bruce: Okay, now you're just showing off.
- Bruce: [chuckles] This is hilarious. So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.
- God: [Bruce laughs followed by him laughing] You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father. He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves either, son. People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor. There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.