Soulmates

I cared about exactly two people in this movie: Colin and Gonzales the tortoise. Rita was a close third. The only three redeemable or likable characters.

As "Soulmates" (2021 release; 91 min.) opens, we are introduced to Sam and Jess, two Vermonters who are BFFs. They are also part of a community that is protesting the arrival of Peterson Maple, an out-of-state maple producer that threatens the Vermont maple syrup industry. One of Peterson's top executives is a guy named Landon, and wouldn't you know, Jess strikes up a conversation (and soon, more than that) with Landon... At this point we are 10 min into the movie, but to tell you more of the plot would spoil your viewing experience, you'll just have to see for yourself how it all plays out.

Couple of comments: this film is directed by Timothy Armstrong ("Cowgirls 'n Angels"). More importantly the script is written by Alexandra Case and Stephanie Lynn, who also play the lead roles of Sam and Jess. From the get-go, the movie feels like something is seriously off, and then it struck me: we're not watching a movie in the traditional sense of the word. This is a TV show disguised as a movie. Everything is measured out to be completed wholly and without ambiguity. Just like "Cheers", except that this isn't the bar where everyone knows your name, but instead it's small-town Vermont, where everyone knows your name. "Soulmates" is feel-good TV on a big screen, but it felt unsatisfactory to me. Heck, if I wanted this, I could've stayed home and watch "How I Met Your Mother" (one of Lynn's prior roles). As far as the "comedy" side of things: I had exactly one moment that made me smile: when Sam gifted a T-shirt that reads "Make Syrup Not War". No, really.

"Soulmates" opened out of the blue this weekend at my local art-house theater here in Cincinnati. The Saturday early evening screening where I saw this at was not attended well: exactly 3 people including myself. I must say, this is the second movie in short order that I've seen there that falls way short of expectations (the other one being "Dangerous", certifiably the worst movie of the year). Not a good sign. But of course don't take my word for it. If you are in the mood for watching a TV quality comedy on the big screen, I'd readily suggest you check it out, and draw your own conclusion.

This is not a fun, cute, or sweet romcom. I like cheesy romantic movies, and this was awful even by my standards. You are not connected to any of the badly developed characters or invested in their relationships.

Sam is a bratty, selfish, spiteful best friend who pouts and throws a tantrum and eventually gets what she wants. She is so focused on herself that she can't stand for anyone else to have alternative ideas or opinions. She is manipulative and selfish and annoying.

It was painful to watch from beginning to end. The only parts that made me smile where when Sam tried to break up with her fake boyfriend and he kept saying sweet things that made the crowd "aww" and like him even more.

This summer's number one MUST MISS movie!

I was an extra in this movie and was the best actor in it by far. U can see me in the music scene and the cornfield scene i'm the cutest kid in it. I can't believe i was in my middle school for hours filming this awful movie istg the main girls were in love what even was the romance trope. I was the true star of this movie and if u disagree well then that's a u problem. I can't believe i spent over 1 hour and 30 minutes watching an awful movie just for a few minutes of my adorable face this was so very disappointing.

Ps this movie is offensive to vermonters everywhere #justiceforvermont. #realmaplesyrupistheonlyoption.

OK, it's really hard to express all the ways in which this utterly stinks.

First, it's a total caricature of "small town Vermont" where everyone is SOOOOOO cutesy and happy and phony.

Second, the music - omg, make it stop - so unrelentingly, you guessed it, cutsey

third, the "romcom" storyline - cityslicker comes to town woo's local gal even tho cityslicker is there to wipe out local homegrown farms and businesses a/la Walmart kind of corporatism - oh, how, cutesy - so much cute-si-ness

fourth, the relation between the two grown over-30 something women - so "just childhood friends" - really, now? Oh yeah, they both promised as kids to get "married at the same time" - ah, yeah, think about that. Com'on, let's have some honesty - but, no, that wouldn't be cutesy.

Well, I think that hits the minimum character limit, thank goodness.

Don't even think about wasting your time on this stinker. :-) lol.