- Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
- Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
- Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!
- Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."
- [Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]
- Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!
- Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
- Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."
- [Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
- Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
- [pause]
- Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.
- Man in audience: You suck, McBain!
- [McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
- Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
- Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!
- [McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
- Rainer Wolfcastle: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
- Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
- Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
- Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!
- Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.
- Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
- [the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]
- Barney: Just hook it to my veins!
- [the truck driver prepares an I.V]
- Grampa: The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.
- ["Man Getting Hit by Football" has been screened at the film festival]
- Homer: [laughing hysterically] This contest is over. Give that man the ten thousand dollars!
- Jay Sherman: This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
- Homer: But... the ball, his groin! Ah, ha! It works on so many levels!
- [chuckles]
- Homer: Roll it again.
- Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
- Montgomery Burns: Excellent.
- [a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
- Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.
- [makes the infamous slurping sound]
- Montgomery Burns: Next.
- William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.
- Montgomery Burns: Next.
- Homer: Exactly.
- [chuckles]
- Homer: D'oh!
- Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!
- Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!
- Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
- Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
- Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
- Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
- Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
- Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
- [everyone applauds; Burns steams. A screen shows George C. Scott getting hit in the groin by a football]
- George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin!
- [falls to the ground, moaning]
- Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.
- Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.
- Jay Sherman: How can you vote for Burns' movie?
- Krusty the Clown: [nonchalantly lighting a cigarette] Let's just say it moved me... to a bigger house! Oops. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet. Oh, dear.
- Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
- Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.
- [Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear]
- Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?
- [filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]
- Tod Flanders: Help meeeeeeeeeee...!
- Ned Flanders: [praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!
- [a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]
- Ned Flanders: Thanks, God!
- God: [from heaven] Okily-dokily!
- Homer: Marge, do you respect my intelligence?
- Marge: [long pause] Yes.
- Homer: Okay.
- [goes to bed, gets up]
- Homer: Wait a minute... why did it take you so long to say yes?
- Marge: [long pause] No reason.
- Homer: Okay.
- [goes to bed, gets up]
- Homer: Wait a minute... are you humoring me?
- Marge: [long pause] Yes.
- Homer: Okay.
- [goes to bed, gets up]
- Homer: Wait a minute... that's bad!
- Marge: I'm Marge Simpsons and I have an idea.
- Most of People at the Meeting: Ohhh...
- [in frustration]
- 'Marge is gonna say something... ': Marge is gonna say something.
- [in a low voice]
- Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir; market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
- Mr. Burns: I outta club 'em and eat their bones!
- Smithers: Heh heh, well maybe this film festival can help us. A film biography might help them to get to know the real you: virtuous, heroic, nubile...
- Mr. Burns: You left out pleasant!
- [clubbing Smithers over the head]
- Woman Praising Barney's Movie: Excuse me - did something crawl down your throat and die?
- Barney: It didn't die.
- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: [while Snake is pointing a rifle at him] Help! Help! Police!
- Chief Wiggum: [his tie is caught in the hot dog roller] Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.
- Patty Bouvier: The easiest way to be popular is by leeching off the popularity of others.
- Selma Bouvier: So we propose changing the name of Springfield to Seinfeld.
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