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My Karma

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox asked me to check in on you. I'm sorry I haven't been here until now.
Jordan: He asked you to check in on me?
J.D.: Yep. So... how ya doin'?
Jordan: Well, I've ruined everything. All he tried to do was take care of me and show me that he loved me, but no, I had to drive him away because I don't like being vulnerable even when I'm normal, let alone with my ankles in stirrups and my coochie on display. So now he's gone away for good, and I would really like to get this thing out of me so I can go home and kill myself.
J.D.: [awkwardly] Well, you sound good.
Jordan: I was going to tell him the truth eventually. I just wanted to see if he was going to be with me because he wanted to, not because he had to. Do you know what I mean?
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Jordan: It's his baby, stupid. Don't tell anyone.

Dr. Cox: [Jordan has just told J.D. that Dr. Cox is the father of her child] What are you two talking about?
J.D.: Apartheid.
Jordan: It's wrong.

J.D.: Morning, Dr Kelso.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Dorian, how is it this whole hospital gets up in arms every time our M.R.I. machine misses a tumor, but every morning our lousy coffee machine spits out warm urine and nobody gives two hoots?
J.D.: We missed another tumor?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who cares? Point is I have to go across the street to get coffee... piping hot coffee that puts a hop in your step and your ass in the john!

Jordan: I'll say, Perry, the only way I could've felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa, or a Third World country where you've to boil your own sewage if you want something to drink. Oh, and by the way... giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield in this hospital after 15 years!
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, come on, Jordan... I'm so sorry everything fell apart today, honest to God I am; but I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow Dr Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite, so that you can go ahead and have that storybook, drug-addled, Pitocin induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. But, in the meantime, you gotta cut me a little slack. I mean, come on... it's not like I see the real father running around here busting his hump!
Jordan: Oh, that's nice! I'm going home...
Dr. Cox: No... no, you're not.
Jordan: Bye-bye...
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already...

Dr. Cox: So, now... why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed... and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared any more?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.

Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone... You know, the classics. The thing is that, this time, I am killing myself for this woman, and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well, I'm not so sure.
Carla: [encouraging] It'll come to you.

Dr. Elliot Reid: And, with Paul, I really feel like we're getting pretty close right now!
Carla: So... you guys have...?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Not yet, but tonight's our fourth date, so... .
Carla: Four dates?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah, it's one date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes. I am Four-Date Reid!
Carla: Yeah, but, what about that surgeon the other-...
Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm Four-Date Reid!
Nurse Paul: [Paul comes up and puts his arm around Elliot] Hey, cutie! Hey, you ready for our third date?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fourth date. You're forgetting about the time we ran into each other at the coffee machine.
[to Carla]
Dr. Elliot Reid: You shut up!