Mel Brooks aufgeführt in der Rolle von...
Moses • Comicus • Torquemada • Jacques • King Louis XVI
- Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
- Dole Office Clerk: What?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
- Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
- Comicus: *Grumble*...
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
- Comicus: No.
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
- Comicus: Yes!
- Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
- Swiftus: How poor are they?
- Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
- [drumbeat, everyone laughs]
- Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
- Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
- King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
- Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
- [He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
- Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
- Jacques: None!
- Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
- Jacques: None!
- Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
- [Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
- Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
- Citizen Official: What is your last request?
- Jacques: Novocaine!
- [the Official confers with the Executioner]
- Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
- Jacques: I'll wait!
- Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
- King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
- [Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
- Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
- [while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
- Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
- Marcus Vindictus: [TV edit] ... There he is! Seize him!
- Marcus Vindictus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
- Comicus: [confidentially] No! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
- Marcus Vindictus: Arrest him!
- [His troops grab Josephus]
- Marcus Vindictus: Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
- [Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
- Marcus Vindictus: Okay... You had your hand up first.
- 1st Onlooker: Death by torture!
- Marcus Vindictus: No. You?
- 2nd Onlooker: Crucifixion!
- Marcus Vindictus: Wrong. You?
- 3rd Onlooker: They shove a living snake up your ass!
- Marcus Vindictus: Ah, no. But that's very creative.
- Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
- King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
- Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
- Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
- King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
- King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
- King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
- Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
- Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
- [kicks Marcus in the groin]
- King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
- Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
- King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!