Piraten von Tortuga

Oh my. 20th Century Fox must have burned with shame and embarrassment at this wretched turkey being released under their aegis. I enjoy almost all old movies, and up until viewing Pirates of Tortuga had never seen a film that was ALL bad, without any redeeming qualities or entertainment value at all ... but this is the one. Pirates is so very inept in every respect that it can't even be enjoyed as one of those "so bad it's good" pictures. The direction is almost non-existent, with scenes that drag on as is a first rehearsal had been filmed, and filmed before it had even been blocked. This plodding footage is interspersed with stock shots and, in cases, entire scenes lifted from earlier (and MUCH better) movies, and the inserts are glaringly obvious, particularly in the first battle at sea (thirty or so background extras listlessly waving swords at each other as if half asleep, never varying their position, suddenly interrupted by a genuinely action-packed insert from The Black Swan!). The cast is headed by lacklustre Ken Scott, who had lent his wooden presence to other Fox productions (his supporting role in Stopover Tokyo helping to sink that particular dud). John Richardson looks fabulous, but has no technique, looks somewhat lost, and after this film went back to virtual extra status until his breakthrough a few years later in She and One Million Years BC. Worst of all, in fact the worst performance I have ever seen by a leading lady in a studio production, comes from Leticia Roman, a pretty but spectacularly untalented Italian girl playing a cockney and spouting lines like "lord love a duck" and "you ain't ever treated me like a lay-dee" in a voice that's a cross between Monica Vitti and Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. I am in danger here of making Pirates of Tortuga sound like something worth sitting through in order to have a giggle, but believe me it is NOT!