The Producers (2005)
Matthew Broderick: Leo Bloom
Photos
Quotes
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Leo Bloom : Let's assume for a moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock : Assume away.
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Leo Bloom : Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind : Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock : [after a long pause] Is that right?
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Leo Bloom : So what time can you get here?
Ulla : Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : ...Eleven.
Ulla : Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock : [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla : God dag min vannina!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : God dag min vannina... ninna...
Ulla : God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max Bialystock : God bless Sweden!
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Leo Bloom : Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE!
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Leo Bloom : I'm not going to the toilet, I'm going to showbiz!
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Leo Bloom : Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
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Max Bialystock : Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock : How can I help you?
Leo Bloom : [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock : What's wrong?
Leo Bloom : You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock : What?
Leo Bloom : You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock : No!
Leo Bloom : I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock : No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom : ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock : Oh God.
Leo Bloom : Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock : I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom : [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
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Leo Bloom : FAT! FAT!
Max Bialystock : I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom : FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!
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Franz Liebkind : You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock : Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom : No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind : THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
[gags]
Franz Liebkind : With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
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Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
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Leo Bloom : I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock : [slaps him]
Leo Bloom : I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!
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[an outtake]
Max Bialystock : You okay?
Leo Bloom : Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock : [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock : This man should be in a straitjacket.
[pause]
Max Bialystock : What?
[pause]
Max Bialystock : Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock : Feeling better?
Leo Bloom : [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock : Good. That makes three of us.
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Leo Bloom : We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock : As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
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[repeated line]
Leo Bloom : Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock : Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!
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Leo Bloom : [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants : [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants : [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants : [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom : [sung] I wanna be a producer...
[spoken]
Leo Bloom : Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks : Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom : I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom : [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants : [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
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Max Bialystock : Do you know who I am?
Leo Bloom : You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock : No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
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Leo Bloom : Ooh, Ohh how I hate you!
Max Bialystock : Double, DOUBLE!
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Leo Bloom : I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max Bialystock : "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
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Leo Bloom : Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock : It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
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Max Bialystock : The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo Bloom : And two?
Max Bialystock : [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
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Franz Liebkind : [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
[they do]
Franz Liebkind : I solemnly svear...
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [holding up their forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind : To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind : Und!
Max Bialystock : [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom : [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind : [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never
Franz Liebkind : Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind : Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max Bialystock : Is that right?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : [shrugging] Adolph ELIZABETH Hitler.
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Leo Bloom : Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian
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Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock , Carmen Ghia , Roger De Bris : Break a leg!
[CRASH!]
Max Bialystock : Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind : I broke my leg!
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Max Bialystock : Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?
Leo Bloom : No!
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Ulla : Mr. Bloom! Leo!
[running towards Leo]
Ulla : Your tie is all askew!
Leo Bloom : Askew?
[Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]
Leo Bloom : Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.
[Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]
Leo Bloom : [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.
Ulla : Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.
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Max Bialystock : So, you're an accountant?
Leo Bloom : Yes, sir, I am, sir.
Max Bialystock : Then account for yourself!
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Roger De Bris : Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom : What pun?
Max Bialystock : Shut up! He thinks he's witty!
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Ulla : Remember ven Ulla Dance?
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : Ja.
Ulla : Ulla dance again!
Max Bialystock : ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
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[Roger De Bris enters the room]
Leo Bloom : Max... He's wearing a dress!
Max Bialystock : No kidding!
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Max Bialystock : [when Franz is threatening them with his gun]
[to Leo]
Max Bialystock : Remember when I told you I'd tell you when we were in too deep?
Leo Bloom : Yeah...
Max Bialystock : We're in too deep.
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Leo Bloom : Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Bialystock : Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
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Leo Bloom : Mr. Bialystock... I'M BACK!
Max Bialystock : [to God] You are good.
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Leo Bloom : I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
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Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : We can do it! We can do it!
Max Bialystock : Every show I touch I doom!
Leo Bloom , Max Bialystock : We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!
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Max Bialystock : Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris : Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock : Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris : Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris : [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
[spoken]
Roger De Bris : What's the word?
Leo Bloom : Gay?
Roger De Bris : Exactly!
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Leo Bloom : [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT!
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Max Bialystock : Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo Bloom : [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...
Leo Bloom : [sung] I can't do it!
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[repeated line]
Leo Bloom : Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
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Ulla : Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo Bloom : That won't be nece...
Max Bialystock : Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
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Max Bialystock : Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!
Leo Bloom : I'm a fountain?
Max Bialystock : [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!
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[Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]
Max Bialystock : Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.
Leo Bloom : Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!
Max Bialystock : I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!
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[From an outtake]
Leo Bloom : Thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.
Max Bialystock : Well, you know what they say: Smile and the world smiles with you.
[He laughs]
Max Bialystock : This man should be in a strait...
[He realizes he's still at the desk and not at the metal bust]
Max Bialystock : I'm doing the wrong fucking thing...
[He buries his face in his hands and laughs]