Change Your Image
crow30002003
Reviews
Impractical Jokers (2011)
Jackass Lite
I think the title speaks for itself, this is essentially Jackass lite, but with only 1/3rd of the comedy. For those who are unaware, this show involves four unfunny, talentless numbskulls who try to prank each other and punish the one who completed the least amount of stunts. Most of the show are three of the boneheads who giggle like schoolgirls at the awkward situation their "friend" is in. In a way, I find it kind of self-indulgent and narcissistic. "Ooh, look at this awesome prank we did and how embarrassed our friend is!" No, shut up.
It's a shame too, as I originally thought this show was good for a cheap laugh, but then the novelty wore off when the litany of self-admiration and constant chortling bled into the natural comedy. That's the only reason why I gave it a 3, because it's only good when you're extremely bored or if you want background noise. Other than that, avoid at all costs.
Frasier (1993)
Good show, but sometimes a bit pretentious
Frasier is an example that sometimes spin-off series are just as good as their counterpart, as well as competing shows. It's common knowledge that this series is a spin-off to Cheers, a show which I personally feel is superior in the humor department. Frasier is still good enough on its own, even if the watcher knows nothing about Cheers going in, since the show has little connection to the previous series, aside from a few reunion episodes and nods here and there.
The show kicks off when Frasier Crane moves from Boston, leaving behind his wife and son, to Seattle to stay with his brother and retired father while working as a hotshot radio psychologist. Decent enough premise, if a little selfish on Frasier's part, and a lot of the humor comes from the "Odd Couple" styled characterizations, between the Crane brothers' pompous and sometimes outright snobby attitudes and their father's down- to-earth and blue collar personality clashing.
As I said, the humor is a little less than Cheers, due to the more high class and sophisticated air that the series tries and achieves to portray. As such, there are a few jokes here and there that will fly over your head if you're not the most knowledgeable on college-level literature and theater.
That said, there's still plenty of regular humor and typical sitcom misunderstandings which bring on the laughter, like an episode where everyone thinks that Frasier's old friend (Played by Patrick Stewart) is a gay lover, or a humiliation conga that Niles endures in the beginning of one episode, where not one bit of dialogue is uttered and it's all capped off with some classical music.
The last couple of seasons took a nose dive, but the ending was a perfect way to cap off the series. All in all, Frasier deserved the acclaim it got in the 90s, and provided a good escape to those who wanted some more intelligent humor compared to other staples of the time like Friends or Seinfeld. It's not my personal favorite sitcom, but I can respect the impact it made and once again, proof that spin-offs don't always suck.
Batman & Robin (1997)
Not the worst, but still pretty bad
Batman has had a rather interesting evolution throughout the 90s. Starting off with Tim Burton's trademark dark vision which IMO worked perfect for Batman, mixing the Gothic style Burton is known for with a bit of humor without seeming totally over-the-top. Batman Returns took a darker turn bringing in Burton's stock character of a misfit wanting to be accepted by the fickle society he lives in, but it wasn't as successful, so Burton got the boot and enter Joel Schumacher. Batman Forever was a good popcorn flick, but the villain was weak, as it was basically just Jim Carrey cosplaying as the Riddler.
With that out of the way, you may be expecting me to give Batman & Robin a verbal thrashing like many reviews that came before, but honestly, it's not as terrible as people make it out to be. Don't get me wrong, it earned its nasty reputation, but I want to be fair and praise the movie on what it did right. For instance, some of the special effects were good, rubber icicles aside, sound mix was good, camera work is on point, and some of the music is good. Plus Freeze's backstory from Batman TAS comes back, but that's all the positive comments I can give.
Where the movie massively fails is trying to be a revival of the campy 60s TV show. George Clooney is not Adam West, and even though I liked Batman Forever, Clooney and Val Kilmer were the worst men to ever put on the cape and cowl. Chris 'O'Donnell is too angsty for my Robin. I mean I understand, he wants a moment in the limelight with Batman instead of being pushed to the side, but he comes off as an angsty teenager. Arnold Schwartzeneger makes for a horrible Mr. Freeze. I understand Schumacher wanted a chiseled man for the part, but Arney just isn't the man for the job, especially if his dialogue consists entirely of ice puns and cheapens the character, especially after a stunning revision in the animated series. Uma Thurman plays Poison Ivy and she's really over the top with the role, which some might find detracting, but she looked like she had fun.
The writing is truly the film's biggest handicap. As I always say, you can have an all-star cast who've proved to be competent actors in other movies, but give them a crappy script and they'll suffer, even if they're doing their best to make it work, they're going to suffer greatly. That's the case here. The cast is already a mixed bag as I mentioned before, but with a godawful script, it's no wonder why some of the delivery is the way it is.
Now all of this said and done, is this the worst comic movie ever? No, there are plenty of more obscure flops that make this look like a Christopher Nolan movie, but it is the worst Batman movie (Unless you count Catwoman). It's not the biggest cinematic abomination either, but if you take into account that another Batman movie wouldn't come for another 8 years and the fact the movie seemed to have killed light- hearted superhero films, they screwed up somewhere, but I reiterate, it's not the worst failed abortion, but it's still a failed abortion. Watch it with Rifftrax or watch it with friends and riff on it and you'll have the time of your life. Otherwise, unless you want proof that not all nostalgia is good nostalgia, don't watch this.
The Maury Povich Show (1991)
Trash TV at its finest
Want to watch a show that makes your faith in the human race plummet? Look no further than Maury! The biggest issue is the lack of variety in topics. While other talk shows like Dr. Phil and even Steve Wilkos and Jerry Springer have a variety of topics, Maury has 4 standbys: Who's the Daddy shows, abusive boyfriend/husband shows, wild teen girl episodes, and potpourri (Anything that isn't the three I mentioned.) All of these shows are the same, and if you've seen one episode of one topic, you've damn near seen them all.
I mentioned Springer earlier, but even though that's trash TV, at least they don't hide that fact. Maury tries to hide this by claiming to help their guests, be it sending teen brats to boot camp or using the tried and not-so-accurate polygraph tests for lie detector episodes. I'd say Maury is exploiting people down on their luck, but they brought it on themselves; Everyone on the show is deplorable, from the ringmaster of this circus himself, Maury, to the guests who came on their free will to be humiliated on live TV and make foreign countries want us dead, to the obnoxious audience who always consist of the lowest common denominator with free tickets that get advertised during the break.
This is a trash heap of a show and a prime display of the worst human beings America has to parade over the airwaves. I feel guilty for even watching enough to write this review, but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. Case and point, watch something else.
Ratatoing (2007)
The antithesis of Pixar
This movie sucks. Really I should leave it there because I feel as though I've wasted too much time on this unholy abomination of animation already, but I'm compelled to go into detail why this pile of rat feces isn't even worthy of an MST3K riff session.
Animation: Remember the Money for Nothing music video from the mid 80's? It was blocky, sure, but that was leaps and bounds better than anything you'll find in this movie. I could spend all day ragging on the animation, but that is only one cardinal sin this cinematic abortion has done. I'll be frank, the animation is so terrible, it would have looked dated in the 80's. For some odd reason the mice's snouts move with their mouths when they talk and the designs have sort of an uncanny valley look to them. I'd say there's some Aardman influence here, but I feel it's a disservice to the fine folks at Aardman animation to compare their works to this pile of garbage.
Voice acting: If memory serves me right, most if not all of the voice actors were employed under 4Kids, the same people who dubbed Pokemon, One Piece, Sonic X, and a slew of other anime, but even their worst roles under 4Kids doesn't compare to Ratatoing. Mind you, the film was originally in Portuguese and dubbed in English (Which also explains the film's setting in Brazil, where Video Brinquedo resides). That said, they did a terrible job, but it's not all their fault. Sure the acting was corny and too over the top in a lot of cases, but they simply did what they were told and read the god awful dialogue that was handed to them.
Writing/Story: This is the biggest problem by far. One would assume the film is a blatant copy of the far superior Ratatouille, and that assumption is partially correct. You see both movies have a rat who aspires to be a chef, even if it means stealing food from humans. However, Ratatouille goes further and has a much better story and overall plot than Ratatoing, which is extremely shallow by comparison. That bit I said about the rats stealing food to make the dishes? That's the extent of the plot. Mind you, this film is 44 minutes long, roughly the time of two episodes of a standard cartoon, and it has filler. They reuse the same suiting up montage 3 times throughout the film. It's sad when a 22 minute cartoon can do a more complex story and give it a beginning middle and end while a 44 minute DVD can't even do that.
Do I recommend this? Well, maybe the question "Are you a masochist?" would be more appropriate. If your answer is yes, then by all means give this abortion a watch, and if you're a sadist who likes inflicting psychological torture on children, this film is perfect. Otherwise, stay away from this garbage.
Toy Story 3 (2010)
A perfect example of how to end a trilogy
In the movie business, especially with animation, sequels are often made as a cheap cash-in targeted at fans of the original. However, there are some sequels and trilogies that try to surpass themselves with each installment. Toy Story 3 is no exception. Pixar deserves a standing ovation for the superb work they did for the 3rd film in the Toy Story franchise. It's a film that I honestly think was targeted at the people who grew up with the first 2 Toy Story films, as it exhibits excellent continuity from the previous installments (Like Woody's stitching from TS2 and Buzz's lack of a sticker from TS1), and the re-release of both original films. However that doesn't mean it can't be enjoyed by current generations.
Now onto the plot. Andy is moving to college and has to clean out his room, either throwing stuff away, putting stuff in the attic, donating them or taking stuff with him to college. He intends to put the toys in the attic, except Woody, who he wants to take with him, but the toys end up at Sunnyside Daycare, run by Lotso Huggin Bear. At first he seems like a nice character, but soon reveals his true colors as Sunnyside begins to resemble a prison to the toys, when they request to be in the room with the caring children rather than get roughed up by the apparently younger tykes. It even has a security system run by the ever popular cymbal banging monkey. The rest you'll have to see for yourself instead of reading a description. This summary doesn't do the film justice.
The film contains a combination of comedy, drama, action, and some genuine tear-jerking moments, especially near the end. It features a cast that's semi-well known, including several who've been in the previous movies (Tim Allen and Tom Hanks, to name a couple) and some fresh new faces, or voices, I should say. In Pixar tradition, you have to watch the film a couple of times to get the full effect and catch everything in the background.
All in all, Pixar has once again brought us a movie that does not disappoint, as sequels normally tend to do. It serves as a fitting end to the franchise, that is if a 4th one isn't in the works, but even if it isn't, this ties up all the loose ends. This is one movie I cannot say enough good things about, and I saw the 2-D version! I highly recommend this flick not just to children, but older teens and parents who grew up with the first Toy Story movies. I look forward to what Pixar has up their proverbial sleeves in the near future, as they have given me faith that they can do sequels right unlike their parent company (Yeah, I went there).
10 out of 10
The Hottie & the Nottie (2008)
Hottie and the Nottie, I'm going for the latter
I have finally come across a movie that is worse than Twilight. Starring everyone's favorite talentless socialite, Paris Hilton, it's The Hottie and the Nottie. Even the title makes me cringe, so let that set a tone for what is to come.
First off, despite many warnings from other IMDb members, I decided to give this film a shot, letting my own jokes give me a cheap thrill. I'll say this, it makes Twilight look like Star Trek. I wasn't expecting Oscar material, but boy did I get it. Even Oscar the Grouch would be ashamed to have this filth in his trash can.
Enough blind insults for now, let me give you the plot (Not that you'll watch this film anyway). Basically one girl has another friend that drives boys away, and she tries to give her a boyfriend. Wow, Shakespeare himself would deem this to be a true literary achievement, he lied. It's bland, generic, uncreative, and a horrible excuse to get Paris Hilton more exposure.
I am honestly astonished on how they managed to make a movie, if you would call this one, this amazingly bad. I have to ask, why isn't this lower on the bottom 100? I ask you, why? The money used to make this waste of film could have been used to feed starving Ethiopian children! A showing of this piece of festering trash would be illegal since it'd classify as torture!
I implore you, unless you'd like to kill off every brain cell in your noggin, have a severe masochist fetish, or you have a thing for astronomically crappy films, do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch this movie. It's a disgrace to American cinema, and a shining example of why foreign countries want to blow us off the map.
Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)
Funny for all the wrong reasons
First off, this review may be a little biased, as chick flicks are not my thing, so if you are a fan of that genre, do not read this review, you will NOT like it.
With that out of the way, onto the plot. Rebecca Bloomwood is a self proclaimed shopaholic, as she feels a euphoria when she buys something new. However, she has debt up to her neck due to all the compulsive shopping she does.
I will give this film the benefit of the doubt and say the special effects (That being the store mannequins) are convincing and not just "Obvious CG." That is the only thing that saved this film from a 1 star rating. That and some lines were pretty funny, like Derek Smeath's ring-tone (The 60's Batman theme)
I'm not saying this film is absolutely horrible, it's just not my cup of tea. People who enjoy seeing materialistic women with responsibility issues and plot turns you could see coming from miles away, then you may find some enjoyment out of this movie. Call it a time killer or a movie begging for an MST3K treatment. Otherwise, stay away, you will thank me later.
Fraggle Rock (1983)
Dance your cares away with this timeless classic
Fraggle Rock, oh yes, one of the staples of my childhood. I recently rediscovered this gem thanks to YouTube, and since then I'm now imbued in fragglemania. Having bought the complete series DVD set, I have had a major nostalgia rush, and it's just as good as I remember.
The show centers around three major species, the fun loving fraggles, the hard working doozers, and the self proclaimed king, queen, and prince of the universe, the Gorgs, but more importantly, the main 5 fraggles, that being the adventurous leader Gobo, the athletic swimmer Red, the pessimistic and laundry obsessed Boober, the indecisive and panicky Wembley, and last but not least the artistic flower child, Mokey. There's also Doc, a former inventor and his dog, Sprocket. Sprocket knows about the fraggles since there's a gaping hole on the side of Doc's lab, where Gobo will go out and retrieve postcards from his uncle Traveling Matt, however, Doc doesn't know until the last few episodes.
The show, like many other 80's kid shows, does have a moral in each episode, but unlike other kid shows from the MTV generation, Fraggle Rock does not shove the lesson down the viewers' throats. These lessons include the series' main gaol to teach about tolerance, but others include for one not to be selfish or hold people responsible for the wrong things and so on. Not to mention, the show uses music to great amounts, where every episode has about anywhere from 2-5 songs, excluding the main theme. Most of the songs are catchy and may even warrant a must have for anyone's iPod, while others are filled with emotion and may bring one to tears. In addition, though the lessons are abundant and songs plentiful, Fraggle Rock is still a joy for anyone to watch, be it a young child to an elderly man.
The cast includes the likes of Karen Prell, David Goels, Jerry Nelson, Richard Hunt, Steve Whitmire, and even Jim Henson himself, all of whom do an excellent job both doing the voices of their respective characters, but also the puppetry. The music, though sometimes a bit dated, does match each scene and we're provided with some toe-tapping tunes once in a while. The special effects, though again dated, are pretty good, but sometimes they aren't the most earth-shattering.
All in all, Fraggle Rock is an exceptional show for any fan of the Muppets or Jim Henson in general. The charming characters, catchy music, and non anvilicious morals make this a must watch for anyone, and with the DVD set available, it's a definite buy.
iCarly: iMeet Fred (2009)
What happens when huge corporations suck up to crappy web stars?
First off, before I begin, I am not an iCarly fan, so I may be a bit biased with this review, so if you like Fred or iCarly, please go away, as you will not want to read this.
This episode is nothing more than cheap publicity for a Youtube idiot who doesn't deserve all the fame and accolades he gets. The plot has Freddie saying that he hates Fred videos (That boy has good tastes), and as a result, Fred stops making videos (Over one guy's criticism? There's lots of people on Youtube who hate him, myself included) and Freddie is attacked verbally and physically by his so called friends and such, thanks to his superb comment making iCarly's (The web show)ratings plummet.
There are several flaws with this episode, but the main one is the fanatical adoration of Mr. Chipmunk Voice. Obviously it' Nickelodeon selling out, as this episode basically has everyone (Sans Freddie) having an obsession to Fred, to the point where it's apparent he's in it for the money. I hate Fred just as much, if not more than Freddie, yet I never had to suffer such unforgiving wrath from my peers.
On a slightly more comical note, the side plot is actually better than the main plot. Carly's brother whose name escapes me takes advice from a meatball. I'd say it's Fred's brain, in keeping with the Squeaky-Voice is God theme of the episode, but then I'd ruin the best part.
In short, if you like seeing an internet retard play the role of a God Mode Mary Sue, then this episode is right up your alley. Otherwise, stay FAR away unless you are a glutton for punishment.
The Bounty Hunter (2010)
Far from perfect, but enjoyable
I have not been in a movie theater since April of last year. I recently went to the local $1.50 movie theater with some relatives to see The Bounty Hunter, a film starring Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler. The flick is a mix of action, comedy to offset the seriousness, with some subtle romance being the glue that mixes these together.
The film centers around Milo, a bounty hunter who was a former police officer, and his ex-wife Nicole, who is a journalist who is working on the case of a suicide. Milo finds out that his latest job is nabbing his former significant other due to her not appearing in court in favor of gathering information on the inside about said suicide. Her capture would pay the handsome sum of $5,000 dollars.
In the beginning, Milo and Nicole's relationship was virtually non-existent, with the two exchanging harsh words and even handcuffing each other to beds. However, as the film goes on, they do get back together, abet slowly and with several fake-outs along the way. In the end, Milo gets himself arrested after turning in Nicole, and the film ends with a kiss within a powder blue jail cell.
Most of the comedy comes from Nicole's work-mate and unrequited lover, Stewart, who looks like if Dave Coulier grew a mustache. He gets mistaken for Milo, and is kidnapped by the main villain of the movie, Earl. He is the comic relief butt monkey by any other name. He refers to himself as Nicole's self-proclaimed boyfriend, even to the point of "Breaking up" with her around the end.
There are some negatives about this film. For example, many clichés are rampant, but will not detract from the movie at all, it's just bait for the nit-picky film nut. Also, the film, though picking up almost within 5 minutes of the opening, tends to drag along with few moments of character development and the aforementioned fake-outs.
Otherwise, this is a solid flick with little to hold it back. Granted, it isn't the greatest film ever made, nor is it the world's best waste of celluloid.
Twilight (2008)
Not even worth the one star I'm giving it
This movie is a disgrace to cinema and a waste of celluloid. My heart goes out to the projectionists and theater workers who had to put up with the relentless torrents of mindless teenyboppers in the movie houses.
I'll try to explain the plot without sacrificing any braincells. There's a girl named Bella, who has the acting ability of a mannequin at Hollister, who falls in love with Edward, a "vampire" who breaks every known archetype of a traditional creature of the night. Apparently, Pale Face was looking for someone like Ms. Mannequin 2008 for almost 100 years. Talk about high standards.
Now, more about Edward's vampire faux pas. Dracula and the like drink human blood, often turning victims into vampires themselves, burn in direct sunlight (or any sunlight for that matter), and overall have an intimidating presence. Edward, unfortunately, has none of these traits, as he glistens in sunlight and drinks animal blood. He may have the helpless victim thing down, though, but that's being generous.
The CGI looks cheesy and the camera work is sloppy at best. I will give Robert Pattinson credit with a decent set-list.
Overall, the film is only worth your time if you feel like committing cerebral suicide or if you are a supreme masochist. On a lighter note, the book isn't as bad, but it's still pretty bad. It'll no doubt please obsessed preteen girls, but everyone else should avoid this like the plague.
Bratz (2007)
Wanna know why other countries hate us?
Oh God, what have I watched? An abyssal film based on a doll line that makes the newer Barbies look tame? Yes sir, that's exactly right. It's films like this that make it apparent why other countries think we're morons.
This is a snap judgement review, since I could not stomach this film for very long. It's laden with mixed messages that basically go like this, "Be who you want to be, but if you aren't even up to the minute fashion wise, be prepared to be heckled upon 1,000 times worse than what Statler and Waldorf could do." Yes, superficiality is the flavor of the day in the world of Bratz the movie.
When I first heard of the production of this disasterpiece, I knew that this was going to bomb. I couldn't be any more right. Not only did this film spend a while at IMDb's Bottom 100 list, it was hated by just about everyone. Casual moviegoers as well as cinemaniacs such as myself both thought the film, if you should call it that, is the equivalent to tap dancing on hot coals. Even when MST3Ked, the film is still unwatchable. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch this travesty.