methis Reviews

The Devil's Left Hand (2023)

No better than its 2019 release, when they called it Agramon's Gate

[2/10 · 18 September 2023]

Kept scratching my head after I started viewing this stinker, knowing I'd seen it before but couldn't locate my record of it. Looked it up here on imdb, clicked one of the actor's links, and voila! Turns out it was released in 2019 under the title Agramon's Gate. There's a discrepancy in the listed run-times, but I assure you it's the same lame film. Same lame cast, same lame direction, same lame dialogue (the primary couple refer to each other as "babe" so many times it's hard to remember their actual character names!) In more capable hands, the story might've been made interesting, but as is, it's decidedly not. The poor excuse for an ending seems like a set-up for a sequel, to which I can say only please God, no!

Significant Other (2022)

Add Horror to the Genres List

[7/10 · 9 October 2022]

I don't know why Horror's not included in the "Genres" list; I would call this more horror with sci-fi elements than the other way around.

Trying to think of what other films of which this one reminded me, and the closest I could come up with was Under the Skin. While not as creepy and much more overtly explained than that 2013 Scarlett Johansson film, I found definite similarities. To elaborate more on this would be bordering even more on spoiler territory; suffice to say that this film's title is quite the double entendre.

I'm liking Maika Monroe more each time I see her, and she does not disappoint here.

As a horror enthusiast, I find the present rating of 5.7 for this film far lower than it merits. I found it far superior to the recent Hellraiser reboot and, unlike that film, look forward to watching this one again.

Dead Bride (2022)

Lame Insidious rip-off

[3/10 · 5 October 2022]

A murdered bride brings a curse on the murderer's family, resulting in the abduction of his infant great grandson by the spirit of the same murdered bride. The boy's mother has to travel to the spirit world in an attempt to get him back. Will she be successful?

If you've seen Insidious, you've seen this movie, only far better. Not only does this cheap imitation lack originality, it also lacks sympathetic characters. Took me a while to figure out why the dialogue was so flat, but ultimately I realized that it was not recorded during photography, but later in a recording booth and then dubbed. It's not a lip-sync issue here, but an emotion-sync: The vocal emotions don't match the action on the screen. That, and an over-reliance on an intrusively melodramatic score, took me out of the film entirely on too many occasions.

It gets some points for some decent effects for its budget (though there are some effects that do look quite cheap) and a nod toward demonology, but otherwise, well...If you miss this one, you'll not have missed anything, really.

Bloomfield (2020)

Gotta counter those friends & family reviews

[2/10 · 13 August 2021]

As I write this, there are 6 reviews posted for this flick. 5 rate it 8 or above; 1 rates it a 2. That's a pretty big gap and, having seen the movie, I can only guess that the positive reviews are less than objective.

The writer, director, and lead actress on this project is a decent enough actress, and not unpleasant to look at. I can't honestly compliment her directing and writing skills based on this effort.

The remainder of the cast ranged from hammy to amateur. The main antagonist, narrating with a comically overdone stereotype of a southern drawl, kept reminding me of Catherine O'Hara doing Moira Schitt's crow movie, but without Ms. O'Hara's wit or class.

As for the plot, the other honest reviewer here stated that "it took forever for the narrative to go nowhere," and I can't think of a better way to put it. The flick just went on and on, but never progressed. Slow and unoriginally derivative, watching paint dry is more satisfying, and about a suspenseful. Same amount of horror, too.

What is different between this movie and watching paint dry is that the latter doesn't hint at a sequel as this movie did, which was about as horrific as anything to be found here. Just say no.

Move along people; nothing to see here.

616 Wilford Lane (2021)

This movie deserves to be spoiled.

[2/10 · 23 June 2021]

I should have trusted my gut. As promising as his early career was, seeing the name Eric Roberts near the top of a cast list has become as much of a red flag as Tara Reid or Richard Grieco. But I was swayed by a professional "reviewer," one who must take kick-backs.

Following a prologue that owes a debt to the Amityville, NY DeFeo family, in which we see "security cam" footage of a young man slaughter his family and then himself, we are introduced to a family in the midst of losing its matriarch to cancer. Soon after, the remaining members relocate to the very house in which the prologue murders occurred, though they're not informed of its history.

Is there something evil in the house? Will it possess any of its new occupants to repeat history? I've never written spoilers before, but this flick pissed me off, so here goes: The answer to both questions above is yes. And then it's no. After watching almost the entire movie follow a by-the-numbers haunted house formula, one that's completely devoid of actual scares. There's a tacked-on ending that shows that the home's new occupants aren't a family at all, but a group of grifters who staged the "supernatural" experiences they had in the house in order to score a big payday by way of lawsuits over the failure to disclose its history. Say what?!?

It'd be one thing if, billed as a horror movie, it provided any creepy atmosphere, tension, or scares, but it doesn't, with the possible exception of the prologue, which is then never addressed/resolved. It'd be another thing if it billed itself as a drama, or crime drama, but it doesn't. The way it plays out, it really looks as if the producers watched the dumpster fire of a horror movie they had, realized it wasn't at all horrific, and decided to tack on this left-field "twist" they thought was clever, but turned the whole flick into something else entirely. So who gets grifted? The viewer, that's who. Oh, and the indigenous group that someone swindled into footing the bill for this turd.

Goblin (2020)

One could do much worse

[5/10 · 20 June 2021]

Yep, it's a shoe-string budget. Yes, the CGI is pretty crap, but at least it's kept to a minimum. Though played straight, it's darkly funny, and I believe intentionally so. I'd go so far as to say that this is not really a horror film at all, except for the dysfunctional family depicted. The cast were pretty good; the antagonists made you hate them, the lead actress was sympathetic and easy on the eyes, and the kid playing her son was cute as hell. I can only guess that the negative reviews/ratings were from folks who were expecting a different kind of film and/or didn't get the humor. This is a quirky little film whose strengths outweigh its weaknesses, and is worth a watch.

Bad Witch (2021)

Criminally underrated

[6/10 · 14 June 2021]

As I write, this movie has a 3.7 rating, which is way too low. Sure, it's got a next to nothing budget which shows from time to time. It's not particularly original story-wise. But it's got something that's rarely seen in the comedy/horror genre: It's got heart.

Baphomet (2021)

Skip it

[2/10 · 9 June 2021]

The acting's bad; the dialogue is so bad it's almost funny (but not enough); there's no horror or thrills to be found; the main antagonist pronounces Satan as Saton (sounding more like satin); no atmosphere; 72 minutes seems like 3 hours. The score was good though; it belongs in a better movie.

The Unholy (2021)

The horror...the horror...

[3/10 · 26 May 2021]

Every bit as bad as the lame CGI in the trailers and its PG-13 rating led me to believe. Should have spent the budget on a better script. Scariest thing about this flick is the last scene, which hints at a sequel. Please God, no!!!

June 9 (2008)

Pointless

[2/10 · 21 May 2021]

A group of a**holes act like a**holes for 75 minutes, then in the last 10 minutes, reap their karma. Roll credits.

It's really that simple, yet it drags on seemingly forever, because there's nothing but a handheld camera filming the a**holes "pranking" victims that one knows nothing about other than that they are victimized by the a**holes. Oh, except that some of the victims are kinda creepy, as they're seen as filmed (by the a**holes) in their homes, standing at attention and staring blankly at nothing in the middle of the night. No explanation for this behavior to be found.

No character or plot development; absolutely no sympathetic characters; the only emotion it stirred in me with its "shocking" ending was relief: It's finally over!

If there's a point to this exercise in tedium, it certainly eluded me.

Hell Trip (2018)

"Guys!"

[3/10 · 9 May 2021]

Something's stalking the group of 20-something airheads traveling in Africa. Really poor script (best line: "I have to disinfect your wound before it gets infected!"), laughable character exposition and overwrought music cues substituting for any real suspense highlight this stinker. Tip: If you do decide to watch, drink a shot every time one of the cast says the word "Guys." You'll likely pass out before the first scene after the opening credits is complete, but you'll have had a better time. (If you don't pass out by then, please stop drinking, 'cause if you continue through the rest of the flick, you'll die of alcohol poisoning.)

The Devil Below (2021)

I was quite disappointed

[4/10 · 5 March 2021]

What I'd hoped to be a supernatural thriller turned into an action/sci-fi creature feature, heavy on fi, and way too light on sci to suspend my disbelief. The whole story rests on the premise that a whole Appalachian town disappeared years ago after a mining operation accidentally unleashed a heretofore undiscovered subterranean species of human killers that are kept contained by bunch of local yokels with improvised electric fences, shotguns and a flamethrower. The reason given for the lack of government/military intervention, that "No one would believe us," is one of the few things the writers got right. Another thing they got right were a few moments of actual suspense mid-film. The casting of Alicia Sanz, whom I'd not seen before, was also a good choice. I hope to see her in better fare in the future. Will Patton, who can be so good, must have really needed a paycheck; his talents are wasted here. The ultimate insult to the audience, however, was the creature reveal. Dudes in rubber suits might work okay for comedy/horror, but this flick ain't bad enough for laughs, nor good enough to overcome its flaws.

Dark Winter (2018)

I watched it so you don't have to!

[2/10 · 15 February 2020]

A somewhat intriguing setup went nowhere. Slowly. Without an actor in the cast! Thankfully, there was little dialogue; what there was of it was delivered flatly. Lots of walking through woods in daylight. Then night fell, and there was more walking in the woods. The ending finally explained one aspect of the setup, but left most of it just hanging there like an overdue bill. I should have known when, early in the film, a radio host actually utters the admonition "Don't fear the reaper," and the soundtrack plays a tune that kinda sorta sounds like an inverted rendition of the intro to the famous tune that lacked any balls or cowbell. Turned out to be a fairly accurate summation of the film.

Inmate Zero (2020)

It ain't Shakespeare, but...

[5/10 · 29 January 2020]

It certainly deserves better than the bashing it's getting from some reviewers here. I found the lead actress did a good job of making a compelling character despite some story limitations. In fact, most of the actors were decent. The story is far from original, and I think that the market for zombie fare is oversaturated. That said, this is far better than your average streaming-service horror flick (to me, it seemed more of an action thriller with a good dose of horror elements), with a plot that's simple enough to follow while internet-surfing, though it stole my attention from my surfing from time to time. I've seen plenty worse, and I look forward to seeing the lead actress again.

Hinsdale House (2019)

"There is no heaven..."

[1/10 · 26 December 2019]

The line in this review's title is spoken toward the beginning and again at the end of the "film." Based on having watched it all the way through, it's a tough statement to argue against. Mostly found footage that oughtta shoulda remained lost, as very little happens and what does is nonsensical, poorly scripted, and shot even worse. Toward the end, one of the characters spends what seems like days looking through the little farmhouse for her comrades, only to finally find them entranced, chanting in a circle (how she didn't hear them is just one of the abundant perplexing idiocies on display here.) Before she breaks down sobbing like a four year-old who wants attention (literally: "Whaaaa-aaa-aaa....pause...Whaaaa-aaa-aaa"), she implores her friends to "WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!" I thought to myself, much better to sleep than to watch this dreck.

Ironically I see another reviewer here said there were "spoilers" in their review. How can one "spoil" the pointlessly plotless?

Art of the Dead (2019)

A Stable Genius of a Movie

[2/10 · 21 November 2019]

About as good as you'd expect from a movie with Greico and Reid.

Candy Corn (2019)

Negatives outweigh the positives

[3/10 · 22 September 2019]

The good: Makeup

The bad: Just about everything else. Poor casting (non-actors who are too old for the behavior depicted); poor script (even if the actors could deliver a line, these are too cheesy), poor pacing (there were times when I had to fight sleep; the single note piano lines of the score didn't help), poor screenplay (illogical, pointless behavior and lots of it.)

The Corrupt Half (2017)

Nothing to see here; move along...

[2/10 · 18 September 2019]

Derivative story that may have been watchable with a decent budget and cast. Hope nobody associated quit their day jobs.

The Dead Don't Die (2019)

Entertaining enough, but hypocritical

[5/10 · 5 September 2019]

I've spent 100 some-odd minutes in worse ways, and likely you have too. I was intrigued with the roster, including Jarmusch, Murray, Waits, Sevigny, Buscemi, Swinton, Pop, and Kane. I loved the homage to the late, great FZ, with the town name and half the motto: "Centerville, A Real Nice Place," but what was left out was not only the 2nd half of the motto ("to raise your kids up") but the most biting bit of satire from that section of Zappa's script for 200 Motels: The irony of the proximity of "Churches..." to "...liquor stores." I was hoping to see this proximity, perhaps through the police cruiser windows, but alas, it wasn't there. There was deadpan humor, some decent effects, and Swinton's performance was great. The letdown comes with what appears to be the central moral theme of the film, which is the condemnation of consumerism. It's not that the message is wrong. I simply find it off-putting when it's delivered by rich people. Perhaps if free screenings were held, it would seem less hypocritical, but I've not heard of any. For a roster that includes multiple masters of irony, their own appears to have eluded them.

The Demonic Dead (2017)

So bad it's offal

[1/10 · 30 July 2019]

It took me 2 nights (the first try put me in a coma), but I sat through the whole thing. Some bad movies are funny. This ain't. There needs to be a certain amount of charm present to laugh at a bad film. No charm here. The movie starts with a flashback with the title card "A long time ago." Oh boy. Eric Roberts shows up in that first scene for literally maybe 10 seconds, filmed from above and behind. That framing, and his dark glasses, suggest his reluctance to be associated, as if he's challenging anyone who sees the film to pick him out of a line-up. As for the rest of the "film," it's atrocious. Bad acting; lines are recited as if in a vacuum rather than actually relating with the other characters. Wound make-up that looks like it was made with one of those old Creepy-Crawler machines. There's an exorcism scene where the possession victim's wounds disappear immediately upon dismissal of the demon (jeez, even Regan MacNeil still had scars after her exorcism.) I almost gave up when, halfway through, a montage scene of the main protagonist and his main squeeze goes overlong, set to the most insipid soul ballad ever recorded, with every other line being the character's name ("...Katherine...") I should have thrown in the towel, but I didn't. I wanted to be able to say I saw the whole thing, so I could either find some redeeming value (I didn't), or be able to warn others against wasting their time. Just say no!

American Poltergeist (2015)

One star for a fabulous babe

[1/10 · 22 June 2019]

Nikki Howell (who plays "Nikki," I know; go figure!) sure is a swell piece of eye candy in two scenes. As for the rest of the movie: You know, if you can't say anything nice...

I'll Take Your Dead (2018)

I'll watch it again

[7/10 · 5 May 2019]

This flick does a good job of getting the viewer invested in the characters before putting them in a tense situation. This makes for some good old vicarious thrills. The lead villain appears to be attempting his best Heath-Ledger-as-the-Joker impersonation. Ava Preston, who plays the daughter, is remarkable. Somewhat reminiscent of a young Natalie Portman from Leon: The Professional (1994.) I won't be surprised if Ms. Preston's career mirrors that of Ms. Portman.

Sweet Kitty (2017)

I wasted my money so you don't have to!

[2/10 · 3 February 2019]

Painfully and unnecessarily slow with a soft, droning soundtrack; first attempt at watching put me to sleep. Intermittently unintelligible dialogue. Incoherent and "wtf" plot moments. At least one outdoor scene obviously shot indoors with a backdrop. Worst of all: A horror movie with absolutely no scares.

Cold Ground (2017)

Entertaining enough, but not without problems

[4/10 · 21 December 2018]

French found-footage yetisquatchfoot flick. Maybe 50% English dialogue, 50% French (with English subtitles on the version I saw.) A cut above most of the dreck Amazon Prime offers for free. Not bad for what it is, but the imdb rating seems suspiciously high to me. Fairly engaging once it gets going. Subjective peeves: When characters who are discussing disease theories are supposed to be scientists, they ought to know the difference between a virus and bacteria (sadly, the ignorance of this difference amongst the general population is one of the reasons we have more and more antibiotic-resistant bacteria.) They also should know that alcohol is not one's "best friend" in extreme cold, as it actually lowers body temperature. And if it's so damned cold where they are that they're concerned with hypothermia and frostbite, why does the female lead spend the majority of the time with no head covering and only a thin pair of knitted gloves? These may be trivial issues to some viewers, but they definitely lower my rating.

Ghosts of Darkness (2017)

"There now; that wasn't so good, was it?" -- Leonard "Pinth" Garnell

[2/10 · 13 December 2018]

Promising premise for a decent haunted house story is wasted due to an over-the-top melodramatic score and one of the two lead actors, one Michael Koltes, being much too young, mincing, and untalented to pull off the role of a grumpy, jaded, skeptical yet haunted heterosexual widower. The other lead actor is actually enjoyable, but has too much to overcome. Aside from the above, there's not a decent scare to be found.