- Alana: [during a fight] Este, don't you even look at me! Don't you even look at me! You're always looking at me!
- Este: Oh, my...
- Alana: What are you doing?
- Este: I didn't even say anything!
- Alana: What are you doing? What are you thinking, huh? "I'm Este. I work for mom and dad. I'm perfect! I'm a real estate agent. Alana doesn't have her life together. Alana brings home stupid boyfriends all the time."
- Este: I mean...
- Alana: I knew it! I knew that was what you were thinking. You're always thinking things, you thinker! You thinker! You think things!
- Jon Peters: How big is your penis hole?
- Gary Valentine: It's regular-sized?
- Jon Peters: How would you know that?
- Alana: What does your penis look like?
- Lance Brannigan: What?
- Alana: What does your penis look like?
- Lance Brannigan: Like a regular penis, I guess.
- Alana: Is it circumcised?
- Lance Brannigan: Yeah...
- Alana: Then you're a fucking Jew!
- Gary Valentine: You say everything twice.
- Alana: I don't say everything twice! What is this, say everything twice?
- Alana: You don't even know what's going on in the world. You think that the world revolves around Gary Valentine and whatever stupid shit you come up with.
- Gary Valentine: It does.
- Alana: No it doesn't.
- Gary Valentine: Yes, it does.
- Alana: You don't have the balls. I'm cooler than you. Don't forget it.
- Gary Valentine: I don't need you to tell me whether I'm cool or not, old lady.
- Alana: What was that?
- Gary Valentine: I said "milady".
- Mary Grady: You're a goddamn fucking fighter, aren't you? I like that. I can see that. You come here trying to be all pretty for me, but really, you remind me... of a dog. Of an English pit bull dog... with sex appeal. And... a very Jewish nose.
- Mary Grady: You have a warm smile, which is very powerful. And - you have a very Jewish nose, which is becoming very fashionable. I am getting a lot more requests for Jewish girls.
- Jon Peters: I'm not a shithead idiot fuck-up, I'm Jon Peters. My only problem in life is that I love tail too much. I love it. I love it so much. I love it so much. Is that your sister?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: It's your girlfriend?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: I love it so much, it's gonna kill me one day. You know how much tail I get?
- Gary Valentine: No.
- Jon Peters: All of it. It's all mine.
- Alana: Stop.
- Gary Valentine: What?
- Alana: I can hear you breathing. Stop.
- Gary Valentine: Breathing?
- Alana: Yes.
- Alana: Are you asking me out?
- Gary Valentine: Yes.
- Alana: I'm not going on a date with you, you're twelve.
- Gary Valentine: You're funny. I'm fifteen.
- Joel Wachs: All that we need are people in positions of power to remember to be who they were when they were voted in.
- Gary Valentine: Hello, gorgeous.
- Alana: Hello, handsome.
- Gary Valentine: Come here often?
- Alana: No, 'cause I'm not a teenager. I'm selling earrings for my friend JoJo.
- Gary Valentine: Is your bottom soggy? Having trouble sleeping?
- Alana: Well, now that you mention it...
- Gary Valentine: Boyfriend trouble?
- Alana: No boyfriend. So I don't really have trouble.
- Gary Valentine: Well, that's good.
- Gary Valentine: I'm sorry, I don't want to make you any more later than you already are. You can leave.
- Jon Peters: Look at you, you cocky motherfucker. I like it.
- Alana: What's your name?
- Waterbed Ted: Uh, Ted.
- Alana: Ted.
- Waterbed Ted: Yes.
- Alana: Oh, Ted, I love that name.
- Waterbed Ted: Okay...
- Alana: My name's Alana.
- Waterbed Ted: Hi, Alana.
- Alana: Can I come and install the bed for you?
- Waterbed Ted: What?
- Alana: I'd lay it down and show you how it works. It moves in a similar way to the ocean... wet inside. And it takes some getting used to, but once you're in there, oh, Ted, I don't think you're gonna be asking any questions.
- Waterbed Ted: Sounds like you just sold a waterbed, Alana. Tell me, what time can you be over with that bed?
- Alana: Oh, well. Eager. I have to wait until my work is done.
- Waterbed Ted: Oh, yeah?
- Alana: Yeah. I have a mean, old boss that makes me work all day.
- Waterbed Ted: Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you have work to do and get out of there?
- Alana: Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.
- Waterbed Ted: Sounds like it.
- Alana: He keeps me locked up inside. But you know what, Ted?
- Waterbed Ted: What's that?
- Alana: I know you're gonna love our wet beds. You know what they come with?
- Waterbed Ted: What's that?
- Alana: A wood headboard. And that wood is strong and sticks straight up against the wall.
- Waterbed Ted: That sounds great.
- Jon Peters: How about your dad? You have a good relationship with your dad?
- Alana: Yeah.
- Jon Peters: What does he do?
- Alana: Real estate.
- Jon Peters: Did he reach you how to drive? You're good at it! It's not easy... Gary can't do it.
- Gary Valentine: I'm not trying to pressure you.
- Alana: You are pressuring me. You are. That's what you're doing.
- Gary Valentine: I get this feeling I was meant to know you, Alana.
- Alana: You know I'm 25, right? I can be your friend but I can't be your girlfriend. That's illegal.
- Gary Valentine: You give me hope.
- Gary Valentine: Stop using time as an excuse, Alana. Our roads took us here.
- Alana: Stop sounding like a philosophy guy, Albert Einstein. Maybe I'll see you later. I'm *not* gonna see you later.
- Gary Valentine: So, Alana, what are your plans?
- Alana: I don't know.
- Gary Valentine: What's your future look like?
- Alana: I don't know.
- Alana: Stop.
- Gary Valentine: What?
- Alana: I can hear you breathing. Stop!
- Gary Valentine: Breathing?
- Alana: Yes.
- Alana: You're sweet, Gary. You're gonna be rich in a mansion by the time you're 16. I'm gonna be here taking photos of kids for their yearbooks when I'm 30. You're never gonna remember me.
- Gary Valentine: I'm not gonna forget you. Just like you're not gonna forget me.
- Gary Valentine: What is that?
- Wig Shop Brenda: That is a bed made of water, sweetheart. What's your name?
- Gary Valentine: Gary.
- Wig Shop Brenda: Gary, won't you come in and take a closer look at it. It won't bite. Come on, baby. It's nice, isn't it?
- Mr. Jack: Hop on. Groove on that.
- Gary Valentine: How much does it cost?
- Mr. Jack: $69.95. Do you dig it? Do you love it? Nobody's gonna sleep on mattresses anymore. That's old hat, Jack. That's for squares.
- Alana: Don't call me all the time. Okay? We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Remember that. We're - you know.
- Gary Valentine: I know.
- Lucy Doolittle: What's that? What is that? V? Is that for "vagina"? Why are you doing that? Why do people keep doing that?
- Gary Valentine: Peace and love, baby.
- Lucy Doolittle: Oh, shut it, you little shit. Now, cut the comedy and don't be an ass out there.
- Lance Brannigan: I'm an atheist.
- Alana: You're Jewish.
- Lance Brannigan: Well, you're certainly right. I was born into Judaism, but my personal path has led me to atheism. You see, I just can't believe there's a God when I see all the suffering in the world. Vietnam, you know?
- Frisbee Kahill: Hey, you still work at Tiny Toes?
- Alana: No, I'm partners with Gary now.
- Frisbee Kahill: Oh, the "Hand Man." Did he try and get a hand job from you?
- Alana: Yeah, he's asking all the time.
- Frisbee Kahill: Good. I'll pass the baton off to you.
- Gary Valentine: Let me introduce you to the greatest invention in sleeping since the inner spring.
- Alana: I've seen these before. These are far out.
- Gary Valentine: The bed's not just for sleeping, Alana.
- Alana: Well, if it's not just for sleeping, I think you mean it's for sex. "Soggy Bottom" isn't making anyone hot or horny.
- Gary Valentine: It doesn't make you hot?