- [first lines]
- Tiffany Malloy: [dutiful reporter] Hallo, Barbara. Here's the story you sent me out on for the school newspaper. "Wicker Wonderland: The Collection Baskets In Northridge's Forty Churches." I don't know why it had to be done today.
- Caitlin: [enters] Did you see our class picture in The LA Times? Everybody's in it. Except for you, Tiffany. What a terrible time to have your sexually transmitted disease flare up.
- Barbara Caufield: [plays innocent - unconvincingly] How do these rumors get started?
- Tiffany Malloy: [grabs newspaper] The LA Times came to the Northridge U, and everyone's picture is in it but mine? Well, surely they must have at least mentioned my name?
- Barbara Caufield: Oh! I made sure that they did. Let me see... Ah! See? Here. "Tiffany Malloy not pictured, out with sexually transmitted disease."
- Caitlin: At least people are talking about you. Look, you can't even see my face. Barbara told me my feet were becoming cloven, and filled with hope, I looked down just as the picture was snapped. It was a fine jest. If there really was a Satan, how could he allow these things to happen?
- [storms away]
- Tiffany Malloy: Barbara, how could you do this to me? We're supposed to be friends!
- Barbara Caufield: It's the end of the school year. We're never gonna see each other again. What, did you really think that we were gonna stay close? Call, write, e-mail, have international coffees and discuss the latest movie on Lifetime about cancer?
- [Tiffany scoffs]
- Barbara Caufield: See? We are having fun!
- [holds out her arms]
- Barbara Caufield: We'll always be best friends.
- Tiffany Malloy: I know.
- [they hug]
- Barbara Caufield: [over Tiffany's shoulder] Bitch.
- Tiffany Malloy: [over Barbara's shoulder] Whore.
- [they air-kiss]
- Ryan Malloy: [enters] Hey, Barbarino! Saw your picture in the paper with the newspaper staff. Sis, heard about your problem. Here you go, have some penicillin.