Frasier (TV Series)

Roz's Turn (1997)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Roz : Let's just go on to my next idea. Daphne? OK, you be the girlfriend of a couple who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. Niles, will you be her boyfriend?

  Niles : [quickly]  Yes.

  Roz : OK.

  [starts tape] 

  Roz : I'm here with Fred and Patty. Tell me, you two, what made you think that your sex life needs a little jump start?

  Daphne : It's all his fault. He just seems to have lost interest in me. I've done everything I can to entice him. I've served dinner wearing nothing but high heels and an apron; I've called him at the office and talked dirty; and last night when he came home I was lying in bed wearing a whipped cream teddy! But did he care? No!

  Roz : And none of this turns you on, Fred?

  Roz : [Niles doesn't answer. He just stares into space, imagining it all. Roz gets impatient]  Fred?

  Niles : [snaps out of it]  That's nothing, you should hear the other things that don't turn me on! Tell me about it, Patty.

• Frasier : [in pirate's voice for Roz's demo tape]  Well, when my mates and I put in to port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...

  Niles : [in pirate's voice]  Head for the antique sales.

• Frasier : [Frasier is writing a check for Niles' charity]  All right, who should I make this out to?

  Niles : [Frasier writes as Niles speaks]  The Esmeralda... Bing... International... Doll Museum.

  Frasier : [Frasier puts his checkbook away and rips the check up]  You do have a problem!

  Niles : I thought you prided yourself on supporting the arts!

  Frasier : The arts, Niles, not the crafts!

• Martin : So, hey Roz, I hear you're trying out for a new job?

  Roz : Yes, as a matter of fact I am. And you can really help me with my demo.

  Martin : What do I do?

  Roz : I just want an honest answer. I want to talk to you about first dates.

  Martin : OK.

  Niles : [snickering]  Are you sure Dad's the best candidate for this particular subject?

  [Frasier also laughs] 

  Martin : Quick survey: how many Crane men here with a girlfriend?

  [He raises his hand. Frasier and Niles stop laughing] 

  Martin : No, no, keep 'em up while I count!

  Frasier : All right!

• Daphne : I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?

  Martin : Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!

  [Roz comes in] 

  Roz : Oh, hey, Martin.

  Niles : Oh, look, a scout from the majors.

• Niles : As you know, ever since I moved into the Montana I've been angling to meet our most famous tenant: Esmeralda Bing, the Walnut Queen. Well, I finally cornered her in the ornamental garden, by the wishing well, and I felt very pleased with myself - that is until the Walnut Queen invited me to a ball. Now I have a problem.

  Frasier : Yes, your life has become an operetta.