Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
Ray Walston: Mr. Hand
Photos
Quotes
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[Spicoli has had a pizza delivered to class]
Mr. Hand : Am I hallucinating here? Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Jeff Spicoli : Learning about Cuba, and having some food.
Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. You're causing a major disturbance on my time.
Jeff Spicoli : I've been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I'm here and you're here, doesn't that make it our time? Certainly, there's nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.
Mr. Hand : [takes away box of pizza from Spicoli] You're absolutrly right, Mr. Spicoli. It is our time. Yours, mine and everyone else's in this room. But it is my class.
[calls up a couple of students]
Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli has been kind enough to bring us a snack. Be my guest. Help yourselves. Get a good one.
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Jeff Spicoli : Hey, you're ripping my card.
Mr. Hand : Yes.
Jeff Spicoli : Hey bud, what's your problem?
Mr. Hand : No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Jeff Spicoli : [stunned] You dick!
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Mr. Hand : What are you, people? On dope?
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Mr. Hand : [handing out graded test]
[22:51]
Mr. Hand : C. D. F. F. F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people - on dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...
[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]
Mr. Hand : Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone?
[Desmond raises hand]
Mr. Hand : Yes, Desmond?
Desmond : I saw him by the food machines.
Mr. Hand : How long ago?
Desmond : Right before class.
Mr. Hand : Okay. Bring him in.
[Desmond exits]
Mr. Hand : What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch! Now, who pays the price later? *You!*
[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into his pants; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]
Jeff Spicoli : Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand : What's the reason for your truancy?
Jeff Spicoli : Just couldn't make it on time.
Mr. Hand : You mean you couldn't or you wouldn't?
Jeff Spicoli : It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.
Mr. Hand : Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you... shamelessly waste my time like this?
Jeff Spicoli : [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.
Mr. Hand : [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words "I DON'T KNOW", then underlines them] I like that. "I *don't* know." That's nice.
Mr. Hand : [imitating] "Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?" "Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!" That's nice. I really like that! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words on this board for *all* my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli : All right.
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Mr. Hand : Aloha. My name is Mr. Hand.
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Mr. Hand : Mr. Spicoli?
Jeff Spicoli : That's the name they gave me!
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Mr. Hand : [notices Spicoli's empty desk] Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him near the first floor restrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone? Yes, Desmond?
Desmond : Uh, I saw him by the food machines.
Mr. Hand : How long ago?
Desmond : Right before class.
Mr. Hand : Good. Bring him in.
[Desmond exits the room]
Mr. Hand : [to the class] What is this fascination about truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers, in this school, who look the other way at truants. It's a little game you both play: they pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. Now, who pays the price, later? You!
Jeff Spicoli : [Spicoli, with a bagel tucked in his pants, enters the room as Desmond returns to his seat]
[laughs]
Jeff Spicoli : Hey, wait, there's no birthday party for me, here!
[the class laughs]
Jeff Spicoli : Hola, Mr. Hand.
Mr. Hand : What's the reason for your truancy?
Jeff Spicoli : Just couldn't make it on time?
Mr. Hand : You mean, you couldn't or you wouldn't?
Jeff Spicoli : Well, there was big crowd scene over at the food lines.
Mr. Hand : Food will be eaten on YOUR time! Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Mr. Hand : [dubious] I don't know.
[the class laughs as Hand sighs heavily and writes I DON'T KNOW across the blackboard]
Mr. Hand : I like that.
[chuckles]
Mr. Hand : "I don't know". That's very nice.
[to Spicoli]
Mr. Hand : You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna leave these words on the board for all my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli.
Jeff Spicoli : [happily] All right.