This is a fun micro-budget horror-comedy with some decent (some not) acting and practical effects. Simple, yet interesting plot with full of Lovecraft references and some expected gore n' nudity. Of course there are some boring parts here and there but it is watchable (even more than once with the right company of people) Although makers of this movie say they are inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft, I think their biggest influence is Troma films. The tone of the movie, colors, special effects and yes the penis monster reminded me of good ol' Aroma du Troma. Call Girl of Cthulhu isn't Chris LaMartina's best film and H.P. Lovecraft wouldn't be proud. But Lloyd Kaufman would!
Reviews
3 Reviews
Pixels
(2015)
Not a review but a complete walk-through if you really want to watch it.
17 October 2015
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is tough to watch but if you really want to give it a try I'll help you.
First, choose your mode.
Easy mode: Renting this movie. You can always pause and take a break.
Normal mode: Recommended if you are skilled in watching shitty movies. Buying it will cost you 15 bucks, but you can still pause.
Hardcore mode: Go, see this movie in a theater, but remember, you can't pause. If you leave, you have to start from the beginning. Choose this if you are a veteran shitty movie-goer and you think you can deal with Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Josh Gad at the same time.
Ready? Here we go. The first level is pretty easy. It's just bunch of kids playing arcade games and entering a video game tournament in 1982. With the sweet feeling of nostalgia and the help of your first NPC, (Dan Aykroyd) you will clear this stage with ease.
Kids grow up, Kevin James becomes the US President, Adam Sandler becomes a nerd who installs hardware. He meets Michelle Monaghan while installing game consoles for her son. They instantly start telling everything to each other for no reason and they almost make out. (because they're both getting divorced or the screenwriter decided to lift this part of the script from the last porn movie he has seen) BTW Adam Sandler doesn't play a complete moron in this movie for a change so his scenes are a bit easier to watch than normal. He is not funny and he doesn't even try to be. He just bores you to death in each of his scenes so be prepared.
In a cut-scene, aliens attack Guam. They are in retro video game forms and everything they attack turns into pixels (Actually voxels, since they are 3D, but who cares) So the president does the most logical thing and calls his childhood arcade buddy.
You will find your second NPC (Brian Cox) where the government officials try to figure out what's going on. His lines are not funny, but he is a great actor. You will need his talent if you wanna finish this movie. Here is a good trick. In some scenes, he doesn't even talk but there is always a surprised or angry look on his face. Just imagine him saying "WTF am I doing in this movie?" This will perfectly match his facial expression all the time and amuse you more than the movie itself.
Save your progress and get ready for the first boss battle. Josh Gad will do a sneak attack but don't worry. He is annoying as hell but not in his true form yet. Just try to ignore him when he is simply narrating the plot of the movie (twice) Right after that, get ready for your first tough battle and prepare your ears to be molested by him. He will use his "yelling for no reason" attack for over 2 mins. He will insult/compliment to soldiers in a never ending, unfunny, uninteresting, unnecessary scene. This is the first time where I lost a life. (or paused the movie and think about what the hell I am doing with my life) If I was watching this movie in hardcore mode, this scene would be my "game over, man! game over!" moment.
Sean Bean will show up soon enough and instantly prove that he is a valuable NPC by telling Josh Gad to shut up. Special effects in the Centipede attack scene is quite good and shiny objects always make me forget about all the clichés I see. If you are like me, you can take a breath and prepare yourself for the next level. Still 55 mins to go, so don't let your guard down.
When you see the great Peter Dinklage, you may think he can save your ass at first, but just give him a few mins and he will prove that he is actually a boss monster too. He does his best with the given material, but his character is boring and super predictable.
The movie wants us to believe that scientists already predicted that Pac-man may be a bad guy and our nerds get ghost cars already prepared for them. Don't worry, there is more shiny stuff so just stare at the screen and try not to think much. It will be over soon.
During a boring party scene, we find out that Peter Dinklage pulled a Joffrey Baratheon on us and cheated during the Pac-man battle. Now, the world is under attack and by the world I mean Washington DC, obviously. Get ready for the final battle.
One of the aliens takes the form of Lady Lisa and gets close to killing Josh Gad, but she blows it and robs us from the chance of getting rid of him. More shiny stuff gets blown up and our nerds get an invite to the mothership for a final showdown. Adam Sandler beats Donkey Kong as the most anticlimactic way as possible and saves the world.
The defeated aliens leave us a world where Adam Sandler boinks Michelle Monaghan; Kevin James is married to Jane Krakowski, Peter Dinklage gets a threesome with Serena Williams and Martha Stewart; Josh Gad makes 4 kids with Ashley Benson. Yeah, let that sink in.
And just when you think it is all over, the credits make you watch the whole thing again in 8-bit style.
Congratulations, you beat the movie and wasted 106 mins of your life without smiling one time. A winner is you!
First, choose your mode.
Easy mode: Renting this movie. You can always pause and take a break.
Normal mode: Recommended if you are skilled in watching shitty movies. Buying it will cost you 15 bucks, but you can still pause.
Hardcore mode: Go, see this movie in a theater, but remember, you can't pause. If you leave, you have to start from the beginning. Choose this if you are a veteran shitty movie-goer and you think you can deal with Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Josh Gad at the same time.
Ready? Here we go. The first level is pretty easy. It's just bunch of kids playing arcade games and entering a video game tournament in 1982. With the sweet feeling of nostalgia and the help of your first NPC, (Dan Aykroyd) you will clear this stage with ease.
Kids grow up, Kevin James becomes the US President, Adam Sandler becomes a nerd who installs hardware. He meets Michelle Monaghan while installing game consoles for her son. They instantly start telling everything to each other for no reason and they almost make out. (because they're both getting divorced or the screenwriter decided to lift this part of the script from the last porn movie he has seen) BTW Adam Sandler doesn't play a complete moron in this movie for a change so his scenes are a bit easier to watch than normal. He is not funny and he doesn't even try to be. He just bores you to death in each of his scenes so be prepared.
In a cut-scene, aliens attack Guam. They are in retro video game forms and everything they attack turns into pixels (Actually voxels, since they are 3D, but who cares) So the president does the most logical thing and calls his childhood arcade buddy.
You will find your second NPC (Brian Cox) where the government officials try to figure out what's going on. His lines are not funny, but he is a great actor. You will need his talent if you wanna finish this movie. Here is a good trick. In some scenes, he doesn't even talk but there is always a surprised or angry look on his face. Just imagine him saying "WTF am I doing in this movie?" This will perfectly match his facial expression all the time and amuse you more than the movie itself.
Save your progress and get ready for the first boss battle. Josh Gad will do a sneak attack but don't worry. He is annoying as hell but not in his true form yet. Just try to ignore him when he is simply narrating the plot of the movie (twice) Right after that, get ready for your first tough battle and prepare your ears to be molested by him. He will use his "yelling for no reason" attack for over 2 mins. He will insult/compliment to soldiers in a never ending, unfunny, uninteresting, unnecessary scene. This is the first time where I lost a life. (or paused the movie and think about what the hell I am doing with my life) If I was watching this movie in hardcore mode, this scene would be my "game over, man! game over!" moment.
Sean Bean will show up soon enough and instantly prove that he is a valuable NPC by telling Josh Gad to shut up. Special effects in the Centipede attack scene is quite good and shiny objects always make me forget about all the clichés I see. If you are like me, you can take a breath and prepare yourself for the next level. Still 55 mins to go, so don't let your guard down.
When you see the great Peter Dinklage, you may think he can save your ass at first, but just give him a few mins and he will prove that he is actually a boss monster too. He does his best with the given material, but his character is boring and super predictable.
The movie wants us to believe that scientists already predicted that Pac-man may be a bad guy and our nerds get ghost cars already prepared for them. Don't worry, there is more shiny stuff so just stare at the screen and try not to think much. It will be over soon.
During a boring party scene, we find out that Peter Dinklage pulled a Joffrey Baratheon on us and cheated during the Pac-man battle. Now, the world is under attack and by the world I mean Washington DC, obviously. Get ready for the final battle.
One of the aliens takes the form of Lady Lisa and gets close to killing Josh Gad, but she blows it and robs us from the chance of getting rid of him. More shiny stuff gets blown up and our nerds get an invite to the mothership for a final showdown. Adam Sandler beats Donkey Kong as the most anticlimactic way as possible and saves the world.
The defeated aliens leave us a world where Adam Sandler boinks Michelle Monaghan; Kevin James is married to Jane Krakowski, Peter Dinklage gets a threesome with Serena Williams and Martha Stewart; Josh Gad makes 4 kids with Ashley Benson. Yeah, let that sink in.
And just when you think it is all over, the credits make you watch the whole thing again in 8-bit style.
Congratulations, you beat the movie and wasted 106 mins of your life without smiling one time. A winner is you!
Last Shift
(I) (2014)
Not very original and it doesn't try to be
8 October 2015
Starts solid with building a creepy atmosphere but after 20 minutes it becomes "Jump scare on Precinct 13". Actually, I don't hate jump scares and I think if used effectively and moderately this scare tactic can be terrifying and entertaining. Many successful films like Jaws, The Thing or Se7en use it marvelously and sometimes mediocre movies like The Exorcist III can earn a legendary status with a well-made jump scare scene. Last Shift isn't terrible at using jump scares. Most of the time the build-up is fine and sometimes instead of loud noises and quick editing you just see something sinister crawling behind the actress, but there are so many scenes in this film where Juliana Harkavy wanders around. Without a jump scare in the end those scenes would be just pointless and boring. I wish there were more scenes with Officer Price or phone conversations with Monica. It would be much better than watching the protagonist on a loop, investigating the same type of noises and seeing the same creepy images over and over again. The movie also suffers from the clichés of the genre and tries to explain some of them like why she isn't leaving the station or call for back up, why she thinks there is a logical explanation for the things she has witnessed but I think those answers come a little too late. Last Shift is still not bad for a low budget horror movie and at least it mostly uses practical effects instead of crappy CGI and it has pretty decent acting in it.
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