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The Watchers (2024)
I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Meeeee! An American Girl Ends Up In Some Irish Woods and Encounters Something Wild and Weird!
So M. Night's daughter made this movie. It is her first feature film, and I'll say the apple doesn't fall far from the proverbial tree in the film setting of this fantastical forest.
This movie could totally be one of her father's films all the way.
Up to and including the expected big twist that her dad likes to unveil in his films.
Dakota Fanning also.
Can she really be thirty?
30?
Really?
Well, that makes me older than the dirt in these here woods here. Sheesh.
Fanning plays an American inexplicably alone on the Emerald Isle, and even more inexplicably working in some pet shop there.
She vapes and she goes out at night, also again solo, to pubs and such, wearing wigs and playing the part of someone else.
We learn she has endured a great personal tragedy bringing on a possible personal dislike that has lead her presumably astray to these lonely barstools and cleaning pet cages in Ireland.
She happily picks up an errand from the shop to deliver a gorgeous bright bird to parts elsewhere on the isle.
You know where this might possibly end up, and could this be yet another proverb?
The canary in the coal mine?
However, this whole movie or at least for the better part of it, runs at a six, even once it gets to the forest. It's nothing new, it feels super familiar, the characters aren't particularly interesting, the effects aren't great, but then there's that old reliable twist, though.
And it works.
The twist in this next-gen Shyamalan movie works.
It works so well it goes from a six to a seven by the time the end credits start rolling.
Dakota Fanning is one of the best actresses of her generation.
Ishana Night Shyamalan shows a bright future here as well.
As the family tradition goes, the ending here makes the movie.
The Big Easy (1986)
Sofa Surfing Streams of Cinema on Small Screens In The Summer of 2024
Oooooooh-weeeee! Come for the supposed steamy, southern, sultry sizzle and stay for the stereotypes, y'all. All day long.
I know it was the eighties. I know, I lived it. I've also lived close to New Orleans and been there more times than an alligator eats marshmallows (which they do!) but this movie here really sticks the landing with the French Quarter quantities.
Oh my goodness.
And it ain't even that sexy!
Well?
It ain't!
Dated for sure.
Silly? Yes.
It's too 80's to be noir or even neo-noir.
If you're not careful, you'll get stuck in the sounds of the Neville Brothers or drown in Tabasco.
It's not a bad thing per se, but it's a bit much.
And it takes away any timeless grit that this could've had.
There is much made of the chemistry between the two actors.
I didn't see it or feel it.
Also, John Goodman's talents just waste away here.
For waiting all this time to see this, it's just not what I expected.
I guess I expected hot neon drenched love scenes in the background of some dangerous, ugly case to crack.
This is not that.
It's not really that difficult.
But I guess it's not easy, either.
A House on the Bayou (2021)
Sofa Surfing Streams of Cinema on Small Screens In The Summer of 2024
This movie started out as a six for me for several reasons. I liked the way it looked but I didn't care for the characters' actions after the initial opening scene.
I'm nitpicking for sure, but this starts out with domestic turmoil.
The family goes on a road trip and the daughter says to the mother something about always picking out of the way places where there aren't any people.
Something to that effect.
And yet the mother is all Gucci's up in the passenger seat. Dressed to the nines.
Doesn't look like a woman who's antisocial and likes nature and to rough it.
They get to the house and the family is out back enjoying the pool. The daughter is all suited up and on an inflated floatable in the pool.
The dad says to her, let's go to the store.
Why take her? Y'all just got there and she's in the middle of the pool.
Why get her to dry off and change back into clothes to go to some country store?
Then at one point the daughter tells the father she loves him.
He doesn't say it back.
He carries on with the conversation.
It just doesn't seem right or natural.
He allows his wife to answer the door.
I never do that but not everyone is me, I get that, but this is a strange house and they're not expecting company.
Both parents leave their teenage daughter alone in a room momentarily with these strangers.
No.
So, all these things are making it a total six for me.
Another Blumhouse domestic drama disguised as a horror here we go.
But then Issac (Jacob Lofland) and Grandpappy (Doug Van Liew) show up.
And they, themselves, and as individuals in their parts ratchet this movie up two more stars to an 8.
Those two are magnificent.
Lofland is a once in a generation talent.
With more solid material in the future, there's no telling how great he can be.
He also has a timeless look about him.
The stills from this movie do it a disservice.
A house drenched in red.
This movie, at its core is so much smarter than that.
It's not a perfect movie, far from it, but at its center, it's core, it is so brilliant.
It's intelligently written enough to make me forgive those other missteps.
There's some twists in the middle of this that I just love.
Love.
And again, Isaac and Grandpappy are just the best!
This should have been a wide theatrical release in 2021.
It destroys any 2024 Blumhouse release: Night Swim, Imaginary?
It crushes those.
Want to watch two incredible performances, horror, thriller, or not?
Want to be blown out of the bayou by some amazing twists you won't be expecting?
Stop by the house!
The Deep House (2021)
Sofa Surfing Streams of Cinema on Small Screens In The Summer of 2024
Is it cool? At times. Is it scary? No. Is interesting? For the most part.
Definitely the first half of the movie, I was all in. This is fantastic. I dig it. Why isn't this rated any higher than it is?
They get into the water.
It gets even more awesome.
They reach the depths where the house is. All right!
The get into the house.
Rad.
We're about halfway through the movie.
Then we see what's in the house.
Gross.
Why?
Why does it have to go in this direction? Why?
You had me.
Now you lost me. And I, myself, am starting to drift away.
But once the film regains its rightful focus on the diving duo and their struggles, I swim back closer to the action.
I'm back in.
And the ending is a little bit of a recovery effort but the findings down below I found mostly disappointing.
Paradise (2024)
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This is a contemporary southern gothic neo-noir western tale of country gangsterism and revenge.
That all sounds good and it's okay.
But it could've been so much better.
The good news is, it's only an hour and a half long.
The bad news is, it feels longer than that.
Also good news? Tia Carrere is in this and she looks absolutely incredible!
Mee-Oww!!
But this movie starts off confusing.
A young, waifish creature being ejected from a tavern for a dust up and she's strapped with an old school sidearm.
What?
But everything else looks up to date.
And then, not only is she built like mid-90's Fiona Apple, she too looks about maybe 16 or 17.
And she lives at home with her dad, the sheriff.
What's going on here?
Well, it doesn't take long for the underworld to tear its ugly head and take something (even more) from our twiggy protagonist, as it has been told she lost her mother and brother to local crime years prior.
Now it's time for some get back.
And as much as this kingpin is discussed throughout, you just know when this person is finally revealed, it'll be a hoot. One way or the other.
It's gong to be either somebody you recognize or somebody outrageous. Or both.
You won't be disappointed.
I'll say this.
There are far better tales told of vengeance, even as of late.
Vengeance (2022) being one of them.
It's excellent.
Check it out sometime.
And lastly, I have such a hard time buying into a chick that weighs maybe a buck ten getting the upper hand on a grown man in a physical confrontation.
Especially when he's fighting for his own very life.
But overall, this is a decent flick. I actually grew to like and appreciate the actress in the lead and I would like to see her in different roles.
But Tia Carerre.
She makes an hour and a half seem like no time at all. Even now.
And even with an eyepatch.
Sous la Seine (2024)
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I don't know why all the Debbie Downer reviews here from the junp? I went in not expecting Jaws or Jacques Cousteau and I got exactly what I was expecting. Oui, Monsieur!
This is exactly like what would've been a Syfy Channel exclusive back in the day. (I guess the day is now the 2010's-Yikes!)
So, a Mako is making its way down the Seine, and try to battle it, that's a sin! But it brings a house of pain either way. (Okay, I'll stop)
The gargantuan, garbage-fueled beast has made its own way from open waters further out.
Promoted literally by somebody poking the bear/shark?
Don't they know you shouldn't do that?
And then our heroine protagonist with unbelievable lung capacity and leaving a ton of her own chum in her wake somehow outswims this super shark to start of this movie.
Who wants a fantastic feeding frenzy in France?
I do! I do! I do!
You will not be disappointed.
But it gets even better!
Oui! Oui!
Peeps born in 2003 get in the way.
Save the whales!
Eat me instead!
Turns out these Sharks in the Seine savor the flavor of avocado toast-fed flesh.
Do they even have avocado toast in Paris now?
I don't know. But it's fun to think about.
Also fun to think about: Cigarettes.
I didn't see not one. One! Not lit, unlit, nothing. C'mon now, this is France, y'all.
Had someone been smoking in this movie.
Like a diver in his suit, on the boat, about to go in and catching a few drags before putting the breathing apparatus in his mouth, this would've been a full on ten.
A ten!
But alas, like Jaws there is a defiantly destructive and dumb mayor and a shark autopsy scene. No license plate though.
This isn't one of the greatest shark movies ever made.
That'd be The Last Shark (1981), or as I know it as, Great White.
But this is still totally tubular and I dig it.
Sure, it's scuba duba dubbed in English, but it's not that noticeable.
And I always enjoy the sound of those Parisian sirens off in the background.
If this had played in theaters, I would gladly have paid for a ticket.
One of the most rad movies this summer.
Backcountry (2014)
Sofa Surfing Streams of Cinema on Small Screens In The Summer of 2024
And yet another young couple from the city ventures into the great wide wilderness and well, things get wild.
This reminds me a lot of Willow Creek (2013). Bobcat Goldthwait's Bigfoot film which predated this movie by a year, and it should be fresh on my mind as I watched both back to back.
To where Bobcat's movie has a similar premise albeit with Bigfoot, his is shot shaky-cam, Blair Witch style but it is still effective in its agenda and providing interesting folklore to the Sasquatch legend.
Check it out, y'all. It's very good.
But so is this, not documentary-like, and about a bear antagonist but still just the same-effective.
I like very much the look and feel of this film.
Missy Peregrym who plays Jenn is a total fox.
She's also a great actress and commands your attention in her desperate struggles here.
She must be the muse of this director because I see she is also in his next film, Out Come the Wolves.
That's a pretty cool title. I might have to check it out. Possibly more Canadian backwoods action, but this time with wolves?
Willow Creek (2013)
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Have you seen this before? Yes. Have you seen it done better and more famously? Certainly. Does this mean this is not good? Absolutely not. This is a good found footage type film. It really is. The two leads in this are quite good and believable in their parts. At the onset if we know anything: Bobcat Goldthwait. Bigfoot movie. I am in. I'm in!
And I'm not disappointed with the end result.
I enjoyed the camera work, the sound effects and the views.
Was it scary?
Not really.
But I've got a thick skin.
A bit prolonged in the tent.
And doesn't anyone pack a knife, or a hatchet when they're going out in the woods? Much less a rifle or pistol? Something?
Where is that bear spray anyway?
Something.
And a plan, even in the moment to flee all at once in some sort of mutual direction if so prompted.
That tent isn't invisible nor is it animal/whatever proof.
But hey, I still liked it.
Desert Blue (1998)
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Tooootal 90's flick. All the way. This reeks of 90's indy cinema of which there was a lot.
You got your young and upcoming cast.
This movie's full of them.
You got your young, hot up and coming filmmaker.
You got a hip soundtrack: Rocket From The Crypt, Ben Lee.
Oh yeah. It's the 90's. Good times.
So, the local youth as it were, they pass the time around here, here being Baxter, California, a small desert town (what else?) riding quads, blowing up stuff and throwing fruits and vegetables at each other in sport.
They smoke cigarettes. It's the 90's otherwise they'd be vaping today.
There's an overturned diesel on the local highway and everyone's gotta stay put.
It's not that much different minus Kate Hudson and her father that were just passing through going back to L. A., she's a young actress and now they're also stranded like the locals.
Make out sessions occur.
As does drinking under the large above ground aquaduct that runs through the town.
The story's protagonist lost his father recently in a mysterious way.
This comes to light as investigators have arrived to study the spill on the roadway.
There are conversations.
There are emotions.
There are explosions.
Casey Affleck, Christina Ricci, a huge Ethan Suplee (forgot how big he used to be), and many others including other older also recognizable adults.
Want to know The Nineties? Maybe the greatest decade ever?
Desert Blue gives you a feel.
Cutthroat Island (1995)
Sofa Surfing Streams of Cinema on Small Screens In The Summer of 2024
This movie has always been a curiosity to me but I've never seen it. Until now.
Director Renny Harlin, who's been hit or miss most of his career, and missed most recently here in 2024 with The Strangers Chapter 1 (which I was underwhelmed by in the theaters) seems to mostly hit here in 1995 but none seemed to notice or care then.
Of course, we had it so good back then.
Three or four new movies a week.
We could afford to look away.
And look away we did.
Myself included.
But I'm looking now.
Starboard at the stars.
Matthew Modine and Geena Davis.
Big stars of the 80's and 90's.
Ask Quentin Tarantino.
I heard him speak on this very film not so long ago.
How big of a spectacle it is. How much it cost. The effort. The stunts. The set design alone.
It is impressive.
I don't buy Geena Davis as a pirate, though.
Beautiful, yes. Great actress, Harlan's wife, sure. But pirate?
No.
True enough the movie doesn't deliver on all fronts.
Most impotently it falls short in story and believability.
And it's a mite bit too long.
But I still liked looking at it, if that makes any sense.
Though effectively a period piece this feels like a 90's movie.
And it feels good.
Wanderlust (2012)
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This movie made me laugh. But not all the time. By today's standard, this would have you rolling in the aisles because comedies released into the theater are nonexistent. They simply aren't there anymore.
Now there are some good parts here, some meat on this funnybone. But there's a lot of gristle and fat too.
I like Paul Rudd but not in every single scene.
You can tell a lot of this is improvised.
And Alan Alda. Such a talent. Such a legend and so misused here.
Ugh.
I'm sure this was a good idea, and we can see it alot of the time.
I'm just not down with the graphic humor.
Malin Ackerman, Jennifer Anniston, all gorgeous and great.
But this movie should be called Wanderlike.
The Resort (2021)
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This isn't nearly as bad as the brutal reviews that are posted here. I actually thought it was kind of cool.
Beach horror.
Jungle horror.
Bianca Haase is hot.
It's a really short movie.
I can look at pretty girls for that long even if this isn't The Ring or The Ruins.
It's not low budget.
Just to get that chopper in the air and shoot on location, that had to cost something?
It's not cheap.
I like this movie because it's like watching one of those abandoned series but this has a little haunt with it and I'm good with that.
Does the one dude look like that guy from Showgirls?
Yes.
Yes, he does.
But even he's okay.
You know he plays Hulk Hogan in some stuff?
I could see that.
You don't need a full breakdown of this movie.
Do you like legends about neglected properties?
Do you like pretty ladies?
Do you have 75 minutes?
Then check into this resort.
White Water Summer (1987)
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I must first note that for some reason I've had this movie confused with another, and that's The River Wild, and besides the similar subject matter, did my mind actually mix these two up though released years apart, even in different decades?
But then upon a smidge of research I realized what caused the overall confusion.
Kevin Bacon's in both!
Of course he is.
Why not?
He's Kevin Bacon!
And by this time he'd already been in Animal House, Friday the 13th and Footloose.
He was a huge star.
And then Sean Astin too.
Just as big from Goonies in this era.
This is a good movie.
Even now in 2024.
Especially now.
They don't make movies like this anymore and put them in theaters.
Parents entrusting some dude (how old is Bacon supposed to be here, twenty?) to take care of their child and other children in his charge solo, as they hike the wilderness and mountainous terrain on the other side of the country?
I have questions now.
I would've had questions in 1987 and I'm about the same age as Astin.
What are his qualifications?
Did he pass a background check or are we just taking his word?
One adult with a bunch of youth in the wild sounds risky and dangerous on so many levels.
And the kids do get into some predicaments.
And there's so many scenes where a kid could go missing or get hurt or killed.
I know it was the 80's but even then, come on.
But it makes for entertainment and it passes the time well enough.
Also, there's a scene where a kid packed an item and Bacon's instructor loses it over the item.
If such a professional then wouldn't he have had like a no-no list prior to departure, like you can't bring the following?
Another thing-the narration by Astin's character. Soooo Eighties, I get it, but it's annoying here.
There's a song by The Cult, which is awesome.
Overall, this is a better ride down the rapids than other films.
The Blue Angels (2024)
Flight Is Mankind's Greatest Accomplishment. The Blue Angels Are One of America's Greatest Achievements. Your Patriotism Will Proudly Ascend To Heights Maybe Unfelt Before
This is an amazing film. It is so gorgeous to look at, your eyes will just water from the sheer marvel of it all.
It's just incredible what we as human beings can do.
It makes me proud all over again to see what Americans are capable of on a daily basis.
On this soil and high above it.
It's breathtaking and absolutely inspiring.
Your kids could be pilots.
They could be Blue Angels.
This movie gives us all a glimpse of the process of being on this team during the course of a season.
The selection, the training, the briefings, the camaraderie, family life.
And of course, the awe-inspiring formations up close and personal like you've never, ever seen before.
Ever.
See it in IMAX asap.
This is the best documentary of 2024.
The Strangers: Chapter 1 (2024)
Stranger Danger Not So Much. More Familiar Than Fear-Inducing. The First Film Is Far Superior In Scares.
This is an hour and a half total, credits and all, so I'll take it. Longtime director has two more chapters of terror of this title due out soon.
There's a mid-credits scene, so don't bolt for the exits straight away.
This beginning chapter does not motivate me to see the next, but I will see it because I love this franchise.
I believe this movie would've fared better with slightly more star wattage with the visiting couple.
Horror movies don't need stars at all but I think it might have helped here.
Harlin is a solid director.
Even horror.
I quite enjoyed his Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.
I did.
More so than this.
Maybe even way more.
You know the story with this one.
But the leads are weak and irritating even as victims.
Doing stupid stuff at inopportune times.
It's an hour and a half.
You don't need any details from me.
I'll be interested to see if anything improves with Chapter 2.
There is great music in this one: Dolly Parton, Styx, The Moody Blues.
Look 'em up, Gen-Y.
Don't be a Stranger.
Tarot (2024)
You Won't Be Counting Cards, You'll Be Counting Sheep. Gen-Z Horror But Really Gen-Zzzzzzzz. Tarot Terror 'Tis Not This, For Tiddlywinks Tricks and Trips More Terrifically
This movie is better than Night Swim and Imaginary.
It is not better than Abigail.
That's the extent of my in theater horror comparisons.
This movie looks good.
It has a nice budget and it shows on screen.
There's good music.
It's short. Like an hour and a half. Gotta love that these days.
The actors are all young good looking people.
But boy, are they annoying!
And stupid.
But hey, it's a supposed thriller so it goes with the territory, am I right?
But that could just be the oppositional Generation X-er coming out of me.
The dude from Spider-Man is in this.
He's good but his material is not great.
These college kids kickin' it at a vacay rental come across some cards and decide to start messing with them.
Fortunes are read.
Bad things start happening in Beantown (Boston, but it's not, it's Serbia, I checked) mainly people getting butchered in places that would be way, way populated at any hour but not here, here being bridges, dorms, sorority houses, entire college campuses.
Not only are these places not only, unbelievably uninhabited at these times, they're remarkably dimly lit to darn near dark.
Really?
Of course, you're gonna get murdered.
At least the legend gets explained as to why this all is happening but it's all ho-hum by then.
This is far from an instant classic and it's more like, instantly forgettable.
But I'd still rewatch it before ever trying to watch Night Swim or Imaginary again.
But I'd rather play Trivial Pursuit than Tarot anytime.
But that's Gen-X for you.
Boy Kills World (2023)
Blood Drenched, Hyper Violent, Intense Action Pic That Plays More Like a Rated M Video Game Than a Film
It's called Boy Kills World, not Boy Meets World. So as not to get those two titles confused. It can happen, until you sit down to watch this one.
It's not going to be confused with any arthouse, fancy cinema fare, either.
There is an audience for this and they will be completely entertained and walk out of this experience totally satisfied.
I'm just not a part of that audience.
It's a decent flick.
Just based on the inspired casting and the look of the whole movie alone, it has to be a six.
But I have to stop there.
If you're well versed in action films that predate, I'd say, 2010, then you've seen this movie before and with better execution and certainly a better, more detailed storyline.
The fight sequences are solid but the rest of it is not.
The protagonist is a deaf mute who's hellbent on revenge.
Only we hear his inner thoughts.
A lot.
He talks so much in voiceover that it gets old super quick and it never stops.
The whole movie.
A quip here.
A deep thought there.
Thoughts on this. Thoughts on that.
He may be kicking major butts but he's a regular chatty Cathy on the inside.
Good grief.
There's still things to love about this movie.
Famke Janssen (Rounders), Michelle Dockery (Downton Abbey) two of my all time crushes.
Love them still and love them both here. Lots.
Yayan Ruhian (The stellar Raid films) and Brett Gelman (The Other Guys, Stranger Things) Love those dudes!
And I totally get Bill Skarsgard trying TJ distance himself from It, and rip himself up for this role.
But as good as this movie looks, and everybody in here is good in their parts.
It's just not a great movie.
It could be great with better writing and less voiceover.
There are far superior movies out there about vengeance.
Boy not only Kills World, he kills this movie.
Oddly enough, as I consumed this film, it reminded me of a few female driven action movies of the last thirty years or so: Tank Girl, Aeon Flux, and Ultraviolet.
I won't even bother to explain it but it just does.
There is an end scene of some substance that's worth sticking around for.
Half Baked: Totally High (2024)
Wow! A Next Generation Half Baked for the 21st Century, 2024, and The Youth of Today, All The While Honoring The Original! Maybe The Best Comedy of The Year!
I was totally shocked to see this title in Tubi. It looked like it had to be connected to the cult classic from 1998. And of course, it is!
Then I began to worry that maybe it would be a cheap rip off, a money grab. Like maybe one of those gazillion American Pie: Band Camp movies, that I've never seen.
But it's not. It is so not that.
This movie is well made.
It has money behind it and it looks like it.
Universal backed this project.
It's got a young, energetic cast unknown to most just as the original did over a quarter of a century ago.
Yikes.
Has it been that long, already?
This movie brings it altogether.
The youth of today.
The humor.
And it properly honors the legacy of the original, which is one of the 90's great comedy movies.
Harland Williams is in this. So is Rachel True!
Dare I say, this movie is an upgrade?
It looks cooler.
It has great music.
Why wasn't this put into theaters?
This cast was cast properly and they came ready to play these roles.
This movie will not let down fans of the first film.
Here's an unlikely comparison but just as Top Gun: Maverick didn't disappoint its longtime fans.
This movie does the same.
Either way, the fans will be flying high! (Oh!!)
This movie's format and storyline also is quite similar to its source material.
These Mary Jane enthusiasts in this movie are still on a mission.
To disclose said mission would be a violation of a spoiler alert.
I won't do it.
But it's a solid endeavor and entertaining to watch all the way through.
It's a motivated mission.
With excellent cameos.
And lots of laugh out loud.
A bunch of colorful characters that command this small screen.
Why didn't this play in theaters?
This could've played in theaters.
It's so well made, so creative.
This should've played in theaters.
And it's on Tubi?
Tubi.
But I do love Tubi!
This is a fun movie. Like the first film, it's going to be rewatchable, it's going to be a fave for a lot of people.
Only thing is, no Dave Chapelle, no Guillermo Diaz, no Jim Breuer.
But their presence is felt much the same.
This new movie is a smooth ride, and an enjoyable experience.
It has everything you want from a story continuation standpoint, that is coming from something you love and know quite well.
It won't let you down.
It'll only make you feel high.
Lowlifes (2024)
One of The Worst Streaming Films of 2024. No Life In This One. Poorly Acted. Poorly Written. Completely and Totally 100% Unbelievable.
From the jump, I knew that this one was going to be hard to follow. The look of it all, the setting, the wardrobe, the exterior, the actors themselves, and then, worst of all, their acting.
It's just all bad and not at all right.
None of it seems normal.
Certainly not believable.
In film, we have to believe.
Buy in.
Even in horror movies.
Especially in horror movies.
I knew that though a mere hour and a half, from the start, with the way this was going, it was going to be a long, long, loooong haul.
A fantastic three hour epic can seem like a viral clip.
A bad, short movie like this can seemingly go on for centuries.
One day I'll want this 90 minutes and five seconds back.
All of it.
So, an oddly-dressed family with perfectly combed hair looking freshly-showered living out of an outdated RV on vacation during a quite chilly time of year (you can see their breath in conversation) as they picnic outside, is encountered by, yikes, two guys in an old truck speaking with southern accents (but of course!)
These two guys speak and say things nobody would ever say, ever to strangers, much less a family, and the patriarch in turn reacts how no one would ever react.
Later, they meet again, and more of this awkward interaction continues but this time one of the inexplicably, physically dirty rednecks has a shotgun and they're blocking the road.
Why?
Because this is stupid and it's doing what's been done before but this time, worse, and again, totally not believable.
But, you won't believe this, more bad decisions occur.
And we're not even fifteen minutes in.
And then there's a twist.,
And it gets the stupid to a whole 'nother ridiculous and grotesque level.
It's cute for a minute, but just a minute.
Then it's back to dumb and even dumber.
Who writes this stuff?
This seems real to you?
Oh, and there's even a lengthy musical interlude.
Yay.
I love a recital injected into the midst of all my horror movies!
You have to ask at some point in some movies, why?
Why is this happening?
Or, as in here, why is any of this happening?
Why are the characters doing what they are doing?
And in this movie, it just doesn't make any sense.
Any of it.
There is a beautiful love scene. A love scene? I know. But it is, and that is the only reason this garbage movie gets rated as high as it does.
This movie wants to be clever but it's not for all the reasons that I mentioned.
Aside from the amazing make out session there is nothing here except frustration and boredom.
This is one of the worst, if not the worst streaming films of 2024.
Take the high road. Live the high life. Don't waste your time and stay away from these Lowlifes.
Abigail (2024)
October Comes Early! The Usual Suspects in a Haunted House Inhabited By a Pound for Pound Powerhouse of a Tiny Dancing Sabertooth Slasher! R.I.P. Angus Cloud.
This movie has it all.
All star ensemble cast.
Ambience.
Mood.
Tons of humor.
Good writing.
Great action.
Little downtime.
Believable acting done by very likable actors In unbelievably awesome situations.
Melissa Barrera. Wow. What a siren!
She looks fantastic in her every role that I've seen but maybe never more so than here.
O. M. G.!
Her, in every single scene.
She is a star. Take my money from here on out whatever she's in.
Dan Stevens.
A true actor.
Loved him in Downton Abbey. Loved him most recently in the new Kong x Godzilla.
He kills it here as well. Just spectacular.
Alisha Weir as the title character. Simply stupendous.
Kathryn Newton. Kevin Durand. Always great.
Angus Cloud, you will be missed. Here, leaving us all wanting more.
This is just a great, fun movie with something for everybody.
Laughs. Anticipation. Interesting scenes and scenarios. It even adds a few new things to the vampire story.
The temperature may be rising outside but inside the theater, it'll feel like Fall is already here.
Civil War (2024)
A Movie About Modern Day American Civil War As Directed By The British Filmmaker of the Movie, "Men"
"Men" is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in the theater in my entire existence.
Honestly, if I had caught on soon enough, that is, before buying a ticket to this, I would've returned it or went and sat in something else. Anything else.
This is supposed to be the U. S. at war with itself. But it never truly, totally feels like it.
I guess this is arthouse warfare.
Whatever this is, it never feels widespread.
It feels like pockets of uprising or squabbles any of which could be completely obliterated and put down within one unseen drone strike from miles and miles away.
Done.
End of movie.
This is like paintball cosplay and the hipster baristas are somehow, someway inexplicably winning this thing.
Even if they smoke their cloves just a wee bit close to those gas cans if you ask me.
And they execute unarmed prisoners of war who have surrendered but somebody who has the word Press scrawled in sharpie on their car door is utterly off limits to any danger. Occupants of said vehicle included.
Look, if this is the end of times, the end of the country, the end of democracy, then show it.
Be real about it.
What's so civil about war anyway?
Skip this, and watch a far superior end of our days film, The Road (2009).
It's one of the most terrifyingly realistic films you'll ever see on the subject.
This here, this is comic con.
Northern Exposure: Tranquility Base (1995)
Northern, This Show Was Already Over (Exposed) By The Time It Got Here
It hurts me to write this. It hurts me to rate this like this. But dang it, this was the end. This was it. They could've done better. They should've done better.
This great show went the way of so many others, especially since, where that last episode grounds one out to first as opposed to knocking it out of the proverbial park.
I love Northern Exppsure.
I still do.
But this, for the last episode ever, is just frostbitten.
It's awful.
Did they know this would be it?
I'm assuming they did.
And this is the best they could come up with?
Similar to what Seinfeld would pull in its series finale a few years later, pile everybody they can into that last show?
And then Janine Turner, who I'm more convinced than ever here in 2024, is one of the most beautiful women ever in the entire history of television.
Wow.
A total newfound appreciation for her and her character, Maggie.
Just total one hundred percent yowza every episode she appears in.
And yet, in this final episode she doesn't even show up until about the last ten to fifteen minutes?
What?...
What?
How?
Why?
And now she and Chris Stevens are in love? Now?
They've known each other for years, and in the beginning he was irresistible to all women and they've never been involved before, not even prior to Fleishman's arrival in Cicely?
There is nothing in the show's history to lead us to believe there's ever been anything there between those two. Ever. As unlikely as that is to believe in reality.
But in this last season, the latter half, this feels rushed and totally fake.
Trying to add some emotional investment for viewers as the show sparks out and fades away.
This last episode is so bizarre.
It focuses on probably two of my least favorite characters in the entire series.
Teri Polo as the new doctor's wife and Officer Semansky played by Diane Delano.
I don't mind the actresses but I've never been a huge fan of their characters in Northern Exposure.
I watched this episode twice days apart just to make sure I disliked it as much as I did.
Yep, I did.
Just as bad going down a second time.
Holling, John Cullum, stomping around, grunting like some moose in heat. Barely saying a word. Acting like some animal.
It's just dumb.
And totally out of character.
And I love John Cullum.
I think he was great as Holling all along.
But this was a stupid way to send him out.
And speaking of being out of character, just an episode or two before this, Elaine Miles, as Marilyn is teaching some class, and she's yelling over people and barking orders.
She of so little words? So soft spoken, now hollering and telling others what to do?
No.
It's just sad how this show had to end this way.
Still, it was a great show.
Barry Corbin as Maurice. Darren E. Burrows as Ed.
Both excellent throughout, both legends.
I hear or have read producer David Chase is to blame. He took over in 1993 and ran it into the ground after that.
He, of course, had success with The Sopranos but I heard that series' finale was a massive disappointment also.
I never saw the end of that show, but I did see the movie prequel, The Many Saints of Newark in the theater and can attest to how weak and dissatisfying that whole experience was.
He produced that too.
Anyway, it feels weird to judge a thirty-year old show so harshly on its last episode.
The entire show is a 9.5.
The remaining shows after Rob Morrow's departure keep it from a total ten and sheer perfection.
It's still one of the best shows of all time.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
Not Up For Another Godzilla v. Kong Movie? Well, You Get Up! Best Kong and/or Godzilla Movie Ever! Best Action Movie of 2024!
I get it. You're thinking, man, I'm kinda getting tired of seeing all these Kong/Godzilla monster movies.
We sure are jaded.
Are you not entertained?
Do yourself a solid and get yourself to your closest, most favorite cinema as soon as possible.
Pay your admission. Get your ticket. Sit down and get ready to be blown away.
This is non-stop action.
And it's funny. Laugh out loud funny.
Good music too: Loverboy, Golden Earring, KISS, etc.
Oh, yeah. And there's gigantic beasts beating each other into a pulp.
There's that too.
And it is aaaawwwwesome!
The humans are great in this as well.
Rebecca Hall, Dan Stevens, Bryan Tyree Henry.
All excellent.
If you're thinking, what else could they possible do with Kong, or Godzilla?
Go see this.
Because they do alot with those two.
And others.
A whole lot.
Best action movie this year.
It won't even be close.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)
1984: Middle-Aged Men Smoking Cigarettes Save The Planet. 2024: Well, It's 2024. It's the Hollywood of Today.
Oh, you know there's going to be those, a great many out there who are going to get all giddy about anything Ghostbuster-ish.
Ooh, look!!
There's Slimer!!
Wow-ee!!
There's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!!
Again.
Sure, it's great to see these things again.
And again.
And again.
As a Gen-Xer I adore the aforementioned things.
I really do.
And I understand giving service to the longtime fans and all, but at some point you have to move on.
There's obviously some attempt to do that here with all of these kids stepping into the suits.
But they don't have it.
The kids don't have it.
There's no grittiness, no real flaws, no chinks in the armor. No taking an "L" from this group.
It reads like your typical 2000's young adult lit.
The kids from Stand By Me. Boyz N The Hood. Even It.
They'd be Far Better Ghostbusters.
I know. I know. Finn Wolfhsrd was in It.
But this is about the writing and not just the actors.
And this sucker here is cgi'd to the teeth.
And there's no scares here.
None.
What's that?
Ice?
Yikes!
The villain or monster or whatever is nothing. There's nothing to it.
Certainly not fear or nothing fearful.
It'll be interesting to see where this goes or if it goes.
You can't keep throwing references back to the 1980's.
Easter eggs are best left with the bunny at some point.
I'd like to see a fresh films sans all the shoutouts.
A Ghostbusters with this cast and no connection to any previous edition.
What would that look like?
New ghosts. New sidekicks. Maybe a location outside of NYC, that firehouse and getting around in Ecto-1.
How about something genuinely funny but scary too.
Hollywood, if you're not going to be daringly creative anymore and you're going to continually go back to these forty and fifty year old properties, at least make it fresh, invigorating and exciting.
Make it challenging.
And it's okay if it's only an hour and a half.
I actually liked this movie alright. It's just not more than a six and a half and the whole time I kept thinking how it could be better.
Maybe they should just go all in with the 2020's kids now.
Who you gonna text?
Imaginary (2024)
You Want To Know What's Not Imaginary? The Loss of Two Hours of Your Life. One of the Worst Movies of 2024. Another Dizzyingly Dumb Daytime Drama from Blumhouse
Okay. Bear with me here.
If you love "horror" movies where a child all by her lonesome descends stairs into a dark and dirty cellar where creepy noises emanate from, why, oh who cares if no kid would ever do this in like, ever.
If you get creeped out by a Swifty taking a selfie and in the background of that photo, yikes! Lookout! There's some old lady neighbor photobombing, and she's got to be at least in her sixties!
Terrifying!
The acting and writing are tiresome and totally unbelievable. Not only do they not seem like a family, they don't even seem like they know each other at all.
And lastly, if sitting in on child psychology sessions is your bag, get ready to fill that bag full with this film.
This movie should be Teddy Ruxspin spinning out of control.
That's what we're all here for.
But it's not. And never is.
The entire movies plods along at a 3 until the end.
The end is just okay.
Influences of the art of M. C. Escher and much better 1990's horror flicks.
And Betty Buckley. She's always great. But here there's no eight, and she's just not enough.
Not to save this.
That makes this movie a tad more bearable at 4 stars.