- Hades: I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
- [Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
- Hades: What... are... those?
- Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...
- Hades: [slowly burns up] I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?
- [Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"]
- Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
- [Hades screams, and blows up a volcano]
- Zeus: Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
- Hera; Hercules' Mother: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.
- Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.
- Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
- Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
- Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
- Panic, Pain: Oh, my Gods!
- Pain: Run for it!
- [Hades seizes them and chokes them]
- Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?
- Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
- Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
- Pain: Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?
- Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!
- The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
- Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
- The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
- Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
- The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
- Hades: YES! Hades rules!
- The Fates: But a word of caution to this tale...
- Hades: Excuse me?
- The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
- [they laugh and disappear]
- Hades: WHAAAT?... Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.
- Meg: Megara. My friends call me Meg; at least they would if I had any friends. So- did they give *you* a name along with all those rippling pectorals?
- [Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]
- Phil: Will you forget the head-slicing thing?
- Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.
- Meg: [singing] If there's a prize for rotten judgment/ I guess I've already won that/ No man is worth the aggravation/ That's ancient history, been there, done that!
- Hercules: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!
- Hades: Pain!
- Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
- Hades: Panic!
- Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
- [Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
- Pain: Pain - Ow!
- Panic: And Panic - eechk!
- Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty!
- Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
- Panic: Oh, they're here!
- Hades: [shouting] WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
- Pain, Panic: [grovel] We are worms!
- [as they grovel, they turn into worms]
- Pain, Panic: Worthless worms!
- Hades: Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.
- Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...
- Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!
- Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial, little tiny detail?
- [Hades explodes into flames]
- Hades: I OWN YOU!
- Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
- Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
- Hercules: Going once...
- Hades: Is there a downside to this?
- Hercules: Going twice...
- Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
- [Hercules dives in to save Megara]
- Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?
- Meg: Wonder Boy's fielding every curve ball you throw at him.
- Hades: [simpers] Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him, Meg my sweet.
- Meg: Don't even go there.
- Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for Pandora, it was the box thing. And for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? All we have to do is find out Wonder Boy's weakness.
- Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...
- Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.
- Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
- Hades: Well, you know, that's good. Because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me, to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg?
- Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
- Hades: [hands her a Hercules urn] Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.
- [Meg drops the urn]
- Calliope: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.
- Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules.
- Thalia: Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules!" Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him.
- Calliope: Our story actually begins long before Hercules was born, many eons ago.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...
- Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.
- Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude.
- Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
- Narrator: You go, girl.
- Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
- The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.
- The Fates: We knew you would be.
- The Fates: We know everything.
- The Fates: Past.
- The Fates: Present.
- The Fates: And future.
- The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
- Hades: Right, anyway ladies, I was at this party and I lost all track of ti...
- The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: We know!
- Hades: I KNOW, you know. Anyway, Zeus... Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud", now he has...
- The Fates: A bouncing baby brat!
- The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: WE KNOW!
- Hades: I KNOW YOU KNOW! I got it, I got the concept!
- Hades: [after credits] What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me! I got nothin'! I'm, I'm here with nothin'! Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm... What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens.
- Meg: He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
- Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. Alotayusses! And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then, there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all: the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.
- [singing about Hercules's fame and success]
- Thalia: They slapped his face on every vase.
- [Terpsichore hits her in the head]
- Terpsichore: On every *vah*se.
- Hades: We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble.