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Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
What I would have done to make Phantom Menace less painful
1. I would have made Anakin slightly older. I hated the cute little kid. A brooding teenager would have helped the storyline and foreshadowed things to come more.
2. I would have killed off all the Gungans in the first 15 minutes.
3. Darth Maul should have been in almost every scene. He was cool.
4. The starships would have looked more primitive than they did in ANH. The way everything is rendered in this installment, you would think that the technology in the Star Wars universe regressed.
5. I would have rendered Amidala/Padme entirely in CGI. That would have made her more life-like than Portman's portrayal.
Meet the Fockers (2004)
the horror! the horror!
"Meet The Fokkers" is the worst movie of all time.
There I said it! The fact is there's never been a good comedy sequel...ever! Was Beverly Hills Cop II better than Beverly Hills Cop? Were any of the Police Academy sequels any more tolerable than the first? Was Naked Gun 2 1/2 even remotely as funny as the original? Arthur II: On the Rocks, Arthur, Pink Panther, Pink Panther Strikes Again, Analyze That, Analyze This, you get the bloody point, right? The fact is it's a lot harder to write comedy than drama or just about anything else and the script writers always fall into the trap of trying to rehash what they thought brought the yuks last time. So having been talked into seeing this film by my girlfriend, I didn't think it would exceed my expectations of mediocrity. I mean, I was expecting nothing to begin with. SO HOW THE H-E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS DID THIS FILM MANAGE TO BRING THE BILE TO MY THROAT???
Here's a breakdown.
All the pee pee ca ca jokes. You would have thought that MTF would have at least retained the spirit of the original, which was witty and cringe-inducing (in a good way) with perfect comic timing. But Stiller and company took the low road with MTF. Hey, we find out that Gaylord's got relatives named Domme Fokker (haw haw), Randy Fokker (hehe HAW!) and Orney Fokker (huah! jethro mah sides is done splittin). The 'cute' kid going aaaaaaaass...hoooole of course was a new low.
BARBRA STREISAND!! GOD WHO THOUGHT PUTTING THIS UNFUNNY NUDNIK IN THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA?? SHE'S GOT A REVERSE MIDAS TOUCH EVERYTHING SHE TOUCHES TURNS TO SH*T!!
Rehash the old jokes. Yeah let's try the same jokes or variations on a theme. More boob jokes, more stupid pet tricks, THE GODDAMN CIRCLE OF TRUST!!!! AGAIN!!!
Cameos upon unnecessary cameos. We get the stewardess with the 'sticks in her hair' for no apparent reason, we get Owen Wilson for no apparent reason...
The sad thing is this film still had some promise that was never fulfilled. That brief scene where a sodium penthatol induced Greg gets on the microphone...that was funny.
And umm that's about it. Gigli has got nothing on this bomb. I predict when people get wind of this and the people who wanted to like this so much stop voting '10's' on it, it'll drop from 6.8 to 1.5 and end up in the bottom 250.
You heard it from me first. Hooah!
Spartacus (1960)
Suckiest Movie that Ever Sucked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Ralph Ziffereti: THEY DIDN'T HAVE FLAT TOPS IN ANCIENT ROME!!!!!!1 That's just one of many, many things wrong with this silly 1960 movie that the great Stanley Kubrick attached his name to. So let's make a list huh? Spartacus was NOT a white man. He was most likely a dark-haired olive-skinned Slav. See the A&E miniseries to see how Spartacus should have been cast.
The Gladiator from da bronx. "Yo spa-da-gus"...Enough said.
The slaves taking on all of ancient rome. If you watch the Hollywood version you would think the Roman armies were incompetent clods who were mowed down by a rag-tag group of slaves. WRONG!! The slave revolt while initially successful, withered in the face of the Roman military. They did not take on 6 legions and beat each and every single one of them. THAT NEVER HAPPENED!! THEY DID NOT NOT HAVE FLAT TOPS IN ANCIENT...Wait, I mentioned that already.
The Gladiator combat was ALL WRONG!!! Spartacus was NOT crucified. NOBODY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM but he was most likely killed in the battle against Crassus.
LAURENCE OLIVIER sucked!!!1 tHERE YOU GO
The Prince & Me (2004)
Totally predictable but not altogether terrible
"The Prince & Me" is likely to be skewered by critics for being entirely predictable. Meet Paige. Pre-med student who has ambitions of seeing the world with Doctors Without Borders. Meet Edvard. Danish crown prince who wants to go to America, Wisconsin particularly, because he sees one of those "Girls of Wisconsin" videos. He enrolls at Paige's school as an exchange student named "Eddie". He's incognito because he wants to avoid the papparazzi. Do you think he'll get along with Paige at first? Think they'll fall for each other? Think the fairytale romance won't blossom? If you doubt any of this, then you A) have been living under a rock B) have never seen a romantic comedy in your life. "The Prince & Me", which I was dragged off to see by my girlfriend, *is* that predictable. There's hardly a plot twist in sight. Everything happens according to the book. Girl meets prince in disguise. Girl falls for prince. Prince reveals identity. Girl gets mad. Girl realizes she loves prince. Goes off to neverland to marry prince. Etc., etc.
But I figured if I could stay awake through this movie (and I did) it had to have some merit. And it does.
The "Danish" royal family in this film is a thinly-veiled parody of the British royals. The old queen with the aversion to her kin marrying commoners, the playboy prince...you get the point. This part of the film adds a touch of realism to the proceedings. I kind of liked that. I've seen royalty portrayed in other movies that I've been forced to watch (eg. King Ralph, Princess Diaries) and they couldn't have been more off the mark.
There's some genuinely amusing (but not laugh-out loud) moments in the film too.
I won't spoil them for you here. But if you're a guy, and your girlfriend is begging you to see this, you might want to give it a chance.
7/10
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Moments...
Here's a few reasons why you MUST get "Return of the King" when it comes out on DVD.
Frodo getting stung by Shelob.
The attack of the massive oliphaunts.
"Release the prisoners!"
Legolas storming an oliphaunt.
Return to the Shire.
The fall of Mordar.
The Forbidden Pool.
These are some of the greatest cinematic moments in history. The latest installment of the LOTR trilogy is a masterful adaptation of an eccentric book full of religious allegories. Nonetheless, Jackson did a wonderful job with this one, even if it was a little bit scattered compared to the previous installements. There's just so much going on. But what really grabs you are the moments and the images not to mention the scenery. *drool* Grab this one when you can!
Red Heat (1988)
Dumb fun!
RED HEAT is nothing but a good, fun "cop/buddy" movie. They don't make them like this anymore. The amazing thing about this movie is that there's chemistry between Ah-nold and James Belushi's less talented younger brother. They're no Chris Rock and Jackie Chan but there is some witty banter between them. It mostly works because Ah-nold dead pans each and every single piece of dialogue he's given. This was before Ah-nold started trying to act.
SpongeBob SquarePants (1999)
Are you ready kids?
My girlfriend got me into this show. Her gay ex-beau got her into it. His ex-boyfriend got him hooked. I'm a 24 year old male. Now can you see why this show appeals to adults as well? Word of mouth. The first thing that hooks you is that damn theme song. It is catchy as anything you've ever heard. Now try and picture Rocko's Modern Life minus the subtlety that made that show so great. Throw in gags-a-minute, a frenetic pace and throw out any semblance of reality. For example, sea critters live *under* the sea but still spend most of their time going to the beach. Surprisingly, this works. I wanted to hate this show. I really did. And some of the episodes are downright stupid. But some of them will have you belly-laughing if you're not careful. My personal favorite? The one where we meet Patrick's "parents." While we're on topic, I think that Patrick is way cooler than Spongebob and should have his own spin-off show. What about it?
Gigli (2003)
Watch out! Here comes the J-Lo Bomb!
Ever since "Anaconda" slithered onto the big screen a few years ago, I've been waiting for J-Lo's next big bomb. But months and then years passed. The lady with the big booty seemed to have the Midas touch. Everything she did seemed to turn to gold, sell out the box office and even get some critical acclaim. "The Wedding Planner" was hailed as the greatest romantic comedy since "Schindler's List." "Out Of Sight" had them swooning. "J-Lo and Clooney!! What chemistry!!!!" Even a stinker like "The Cell" didn't garner the scorn it so deserved.
Well, "Gigli" has done it. If this film doesn't bury J-Lo's career, then nothing will!
Pairing Affleck and Lopez (what a cute couple!!!!) was probably the biggest mistake since Franco Zefferili cast Adolph Hitler and Benito Mussolini in that delightful romp called "World War II." I don't know (or care) if they are a publicity stunt in "real life" but these two phone their lines in. Ha ha money's in the bank. Suckers. The plot has something to do with a hitman (how original!) protecting somebody or another. You know, the plot is beside the point. They figured everybody would go see this bomb because it's got "Ben and J-Lo" in it! B AND J! B AND J! B AND J! BJ! BJ!
Needless to say, I was pulling out my eyebrows with a pair of red hot tweezers by the time the closing credits rolled down the screen. Nobody was left by then. Nobody. They were all gone.
All gone.
The stench was unbearable. The corpses littered the ground. The sky was red. Bloody red. Red.
REDRUM.
Top Secret! (1984)
Dromasca is a fool!
The film makers didn't know the difference between East and West Germany, Communism and Fascism? Listen to the commentary on the DVD sometime, you blithering fool. This film was supposed to be a spontaneous spoof of three genres. War movies, spy movies and 1950's musicals. Therefore, it takes place during World War 2, the Cold War AND the swingin' 50's. And of course, anywhere or anything else they wanted to spoof. Get it? ;-)
A Walk to Remember (2002)
Boooooooooooooring!
There's absolutely nothing original or surprising about this movie. Why I invested any time in watching this on cable, I haven't a clue. I don't fit into this film's demographic. I'm a 23 year old male. I guess I just think Mandy Moore is a cutie pie. Anyway, a lot of people will find things in this movie that aren't there. Some Christians will think this is a powerful Christian movie with the central theme of faith and redemption and so fourth. Parents will appreciate the fact that little Mandy didn't jump into bed with the guy right away. Some people will rave about the soundtrack. It made me fall asleep.
Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
John Rambo is sent to Vietcong. That's what they renamed the country after the South fell. As you can see, all VC army officers are required to be drunkards who's consumption of scotch is rivaled only by their appetite for prostitutes. In this true story, Rambo is sent to the jungles of Vietcong by the bureacrats to take pictures of supposedly empty POW camps. But Rambo does more than take pictures. He brings our boys back home and single-handledly exposes the Moscow-Hanoi axis! That's right, the Soviet Union was behind that whole mess from the beginning! Of course, Rambo single-handedly destroys elite Soviet units therefore hastening the end of the Cold War!
We sure could use a man like Rambo today.
Iraq hiding weapons of mass destruction?
SEND IN RAMBO!
North Korea threatening to go nuclear?
SEND IN RAMBO!
Some camel jockey is plotting to blow up New York?
SEND IN RAMBO!
Think of all the time and money we could save. And if he gets wasted, that's alright. He's expendable!
Of course, we dare not take that for granted. Make damn sure he's good and dead before aborting the mission or he'll be shooting up the Pentagon in no time!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Oooh Aki...
If only I could be Geppetto and make you a real little girl. Hm hm hm. That's some fine CGI right there. I kept hoping she'd slip out of that skintight space suit and into something a little more comfy.
Oh the plot? It didn't make sense unless you're one of those anime/video game weirdos who freaks me out.
Extreme Ops (2002)
Second Most Contrived Film of 2002
This whole film is just a lame excuse to have a bunch of X-treme dudes and chicks do some X-treme sports stuff down a mountain. Why did they even bother with the terror plot? Why couldn't it just be a race between X-treme people? The loser has the dishonor of being called least X-treme dude. Screw this film. Go see "The Hot Chick", it's less contrived.
Ali (2001)
Ali is Forrest Gump
The way Will Smith never loses that bewildered expression on his face. He's supposed to be playing a brash, arrogant, opinionated heavyweight black man but he might as well be playing an idiot savante. Even in the Zaire scenes, they keep doing close-ups on Will's "What the fudge is going on?" face. Even the delivery of the lines sounds bewildered, the way Will sort of trails off at the end of a proclamation. Listen carefully, and you'll see what I mean.
The way time shifts rapidly from one era to another, with historical events occuring at a rapid pace with Forrest, sorry, Ali having something to do with them, but not fully realizing it. "They shot that nice man," you half expect him to utter after Malcom gets gunned down on that podium.
When Ali beds Sonji, you just expect him to say "I'm not a smart man, but I sure know what love is."
The film feels incomplete. They could have cut short that lenghty first fight scene and focused on these aspects of Forrest's life.
His childhood in Louisville.
His amateur career, culminating in his winning of a gold medal.
His later years, following the Foreman fight.
His epic struggle with Frazier in Manila.
Hey Mann, this calls for a sequel.
When We Were Kings (1996)
Mister, We Could Use a Man like Mobutu Again
Great film. I'm not sure what it was about. It felt like one of those wildlife documentaries, except with a boxing match and a concert spliced in between. They don't show enough Mobutu Seso Seko though. Whatever happened to that nice man.
Behind Enemy Lines (2001)
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
This movie just makes me want to clutch old glory to my chest. Based on a true story about an AMERICAN airman who was shot down over one of them loser countries we were trying to protect (when we had nothing better to do), it's a thrilling PATRIOTIC action flick like Rambo II. The action is really the icing on the cake here. The message of the film is AMERICA IS GREAT AND MIGHTY AND EUROPEANS ARE USELESS AND WEAK AND ALL FOREIGNERS ARE EVIL LOSERS AND WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING WE CAN DO PROTECT OUR BRAVE, PATRIOTIC SOLDIERS WHEREVER THEY MAY BE EVEN IF WE HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
Y'all just don't get it!
Forget about any and all scenes involving animals (there isn't THAT many of them) and babies being swung from umbilical chords. HERE are the scenes you should focus on and laugh, laugh for goodness sake.
1) "Do you want to f*** me?"
2) "When does this f****** movie end?"
3) "Listen to my hooves!"
And there's more, but you have to see the movie. Go rent or buy it now, now, now.
Sleepwalkers (1992)
A couple of brief musings
Stephen King is a decent writer. Why do so many of his novels/screenplays/treatments with few exceptions suck the meat missile? For every "Green Mile" you get a "Sometimes They Come Back" and "Sleepwalkers". I don't get it. Why would he greenlight dreck like this? Did he really need the money, back in 1992, one of his most lucrative years? Could somebody explain this to me?
Ron Perlman is a decent character actor. Why does he end up in so many stink bombs? For every "Enemy at the Gates" and "Last Supper", there's a "Police Academy: Mission to Moscow" and a "Sleepwalkers". Why does Ron appear in these kinds of movies? Does he really need the money?
Oh, "Sleepwalkers" doesn't completely stink, it's just the kind of generic teenie slasher film I outgrew in grade school, and the kind that seems awfully trite in the post "Scream" era.
Sadat (1983)
It gets better...
This TV movie was aired in two parts and I just saw them both. The first half is pretty schlocky, with bad accents running rampant and some bad casting. But the second half, although having that cheapo TV movie feel, isn't half bad. Louis Gossett Jr. as Sadat isn't as bad as it sounds, folks. Aside from the horrible accent, he does at least try and capture the spirit of the man. That extra who was cast as Golda Meir, she looked just like Golda Meir. That was really the most remarkable thing.
Heartbreakers (2001)
Hackman and Huge-Tits!
There's two, nay, four reasons to see this film.
Hackman is HILARIOUS as the old geezer with one foot in the grave. It's hard not to crack up whenever he's on screen. He makes the scenes with Signourney Weaver and her bad accent almost tolerable.
And then of course, there's Jennifer Love Huge-Tits, showing tons of cleavage. Let's face it, she can't act and "The Tuxedo" is proof of that. She'll never be taken seriously as an actress in Hollywood aside from the casting couch but I seriously don't mind watching bad acting as long as there's lots of cleavage and bouncy, bouncy and in heartbreakers, there is lots of both! Seriously, I don't think Huge-Tits has ever shown this much cleavage before and spent so much time in short dresses that show off those shapely cornfed Texas thighs. Hoooooooooooooooooo doggie!
Joe and Max (2002)
Oh! What a blown opportunity!
This could have been a great movie. All the elements where there. But this just ended up being too rushed with mediocre acting and uninspiring scenes. And there were a few things that just never happened. Like Schmeling going off on those MP's, oh please. Yes, the Allied occupation authorities did get on Max's case about building without a permit but anybody who's read Max's bio (highly recommended!) would know the issue was resolved peacefully. Max's wife somehow becomes an ego-centric Nazi b*** and the relationship between the movie's namesakes seems cold. Max appears to pity Louis more than he respects him. The extras in the film are notoriously bad, especially the 6'2" (!) Marciano who appears to be TALLER than Louis! And what about Max's experience as a paratrooper in Crete? They spend all of one minute on that. Scenes just flash by. Err, read "Max Schmeling: An Autobigraphy".
Total Recall (1990)
bleh
this is an almost classic that falls short of the mark. too gory. should have been less gore, more plot. of course, everything the dutchman directed prior to or after the ultimate classic SHOWGIRLS just pales in comparison to SHOWGIRLS. rent the SHOWGIRLS dvd instead, and take a look at jesse spano's goodies.
The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)
The dog should have received top billing!
And no, I don't mean Garofalo! Although I wouldn't object to her sniffing my crotch any day! But that dog, he's brilliant. He steals every scene he's in. You could say that he literally 'chews' the scenery. This would have been just another blah romantic comedy along the lines of "You Got Mail" and "While I Was Snoozing", but the animales bring this one up a notch! Congrats to them, our furry lovably companions.
Rocky IV (1985)
Rocky wins the Cold War!
Rocky IV goes to the Evil Empire during the heart of the Cold War and beats their invincible Super Champion, Ivan Drago and instantly converts the SU from Lenin-Stalin to McDonalds-Burger King! God bless Rocky, God bless Stallone, God bless capitalism, God bless America! I can change, everybody can change! Now sing it with me...
Heeeeeeeeeearts on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-yyyyyyre...!
Raising Arizona (1987)
TEX COBB!
This is a great movie, awesome, funny, witty, clever, symbolic. Blah blah blah. But what most of these corn pone reviewers are missing is what exactly makes this movie not just good but super duper awesome hold you by the nose and kick you in the jimmies AWESOME!
Randall "Tex" Cobb! The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse/Warthog From Hell/Leonard Smalls!
Cobb is a comic genius who can steal a scene without even cracking a smile or telling a joke. His sheer menacing (campy) presence and the character he plays (one it seems he was born to play!) totally makes this movie worthy of awesomeness.
BD