- Heather: It's been fun, Charlie.
- [holding a gun on him]
- Charlie: No no no, before you kill me, I want to tell you something. After we had sex, you farted in your sleep - like six times.
- Heather: Yeah, well, no one but you will ever know that, because there's no way you're faking your way out of this, Charlie.
- [first lines]
- Charlie: [narrating] Reunions are strange. They bring up a lot of feelings about your past. Were you a jock? A pothead? A Drama Club kid? A loser? Did you get the girl? Or did she ever even notice you? Who did you want to be, and who did you actually become?
- Max: [suddenly putting an arm on his shoulder] Damn, Charlie. You still hung up on that skank?
- Max: [to driver of car along side] Hey dude, I'm lost. Can you tell me where the side of the road is?
- [side-swipes him]
- Charlie: [narrating] You know, a good friend of mine once told, you have to have a rubber in your wallet and an umbrella in your trunk, cause you never know when you're gonna fuck in the rain. He also suggested carrying around zombie makeup for those times when you want to strike terror into the hearts of people who screwed you over.
- Max: [watching grind dancers] Man, these two assholes deserve each other.
- Charlie: They actually got divorced. They're still really good friends, though.
- Max: I see that.
- Charlie: They had twins together, but... she got remarried.
- Max: Wow. Imagine if her husband was here right now, watching that alcoholic hose-bag fuckin' dry-humpin' her ex?
- Charlie: He *is* here, actually.
- [holds up his ring finger]
- Max: Oh, hey, congratulations!