- Drew Carey: Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar!
- Nigel Wick: Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?
- Drew Carey: Yeah.
- Nigel Wick: Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.
- Drew Carey: I think I should help people.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...
- Lewis Kiniski: Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
- Drew Carey: Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?
- Lewis Kiniski: Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?
- Drew Carey: No.
- Lewis Kiniski: Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.
- Lewis Kiniski: I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"
- [Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]
- Drew Carey: I swear you were born in a pool hall.
- Kate O'Brien: No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.
- [Drew awakes from his coma]
- Drew Carey: How long was I out for?
- Lewis Kiniski: A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.
- Drew Carey: Kate, how long was I really out for?
- Lewis Kiniski: Silence, slave!
- [Mimi kicked Steve out]
- Drew Carey: So, where are you staying?
- Steve Carey: A hotel.
- Drew Carey: You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
- Steve Carey: Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
- Steve Carey: Really?
- Lewis Kiniski: Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
- [Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard]
- Drew Carey: I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.
- Steve Carey: Oh, sorry.
- Drew Carey: And, then, the screaming started.
- Steve Carey: What was that?
- Drew Carey: That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!
- Drew Carey: I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.
- Drew Carey: [to Lewis and Oswald] Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag!
- Lewis Kiniski: Ah nuts.
- [Drew and his scouts are singing a "special" song]
- Drew Carey: Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!
- [Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]
- Drew Carey: What the hell are you?
- Timmy: A good scout never insults people.
- Drew Carey: Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.
- [gestures towards Mimi]
- Drew Carey: That's not people.
- Mimi Bobeck: You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.
- [the kids gasp]
- Mimi Bobeck: Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.
- [a replica of Cleveland made from Legos blocks his path]
- Drew Carey: My hero, Gandhi, would find a non-violent solution. My other hero, Godzilla, would do this.
- [crashes through Legos]
- [Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]
- Drew Carey: I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.
- [cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]
- Lewis Kiniski: BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.
- [laughs hysterically]
- Steve Carey: Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.
- Drew Carey: Can't you, at least, make an effort?
- George Carey: Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!
- [Clemens brings a horse into Drew's backyard]
- Drew Carey: Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?
- Greg Clemens: Oswald and Lewis.
- Drew Carey: Ok, what has the I.Q. of...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: What smells like...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: What craps standing...
- [looks at Oswald and Lewis]
- Drew Carey: Get that damn horse out of my backyard!
- Kate O'Brien: My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.
- Drew Carey: I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.
- [discussing marriage]
- Lewis Kinski: The closest I ever got to an altar was when my uncle tried to sacrifice me to the corn gods to make the crops grow.
- Drew Carey: Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
- Mimi Bobeck: Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns my stomach.
- Drew Carey: When was the last time you saw a young man's fancy?
- Mimi Bobeck: When was the last time you saw *your* fancy?
- [Drew's in a coma]
- Steve Carey: Is he going to live?
- Doctor: Well, he could just wake up, or he'll need a shock to his system.
- Steve Carey: A shock...
- [turns to Mimi]
- Steve Carey: Honey, this is your department.
- Drew Carey: They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".
- Lewis Kiniski: Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald, how do I look?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oswald!
- Drew Carey: Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
- Kate O'Brien: Oh.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: It starts at three.
- [a depressed Drew thinks he's been fired, and sings "High Hopes"]
- Drew Carey: [sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the...
- [sniffs]
- Drew Carey: ... sky hopes...
- [to on-looking workers]
- Drew Carey: EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!
- Lewis Kiniski: Well Drew, This may just be the medication talking, but women are like street cars, they're big and they have bells that go "clang clang clang clang clang!"
- Steve Carey: Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time... I play for the other team.
- Lewis Kiniski: I knew it, he's gay.
- Steve Carey: No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well... talk to the hand.
- [sticks out his hand]
- Lewis Kiniski: [to Steve's hand] Oh, hello.
- Drew Carey: Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Aww, Drew...
- Drew Carey: No! Do not pity the whore!
- Drew Carey: Using a ten minute bathroom break is fine. Using to pee off the side of the building is not.
- Employee: I hit the side of the building across the alley.
- Drew Carey: I don't care if you... wow, really?
- Drew Carey: You guys really got to go.
- Lewis Kiniski: Wait a minute... Six eggs on the frying pan... That twinkle in your eye... Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes... You scored last night, didn't ya?
- Lewis Kiniski: How about this? You kiss ass at a drug company for fifteen years, you let one little strand of bacteria slip that causes a major disease, and suddenly, it's good bye lab coat, hello mop.
- Lewis Kiniski: This is got to be the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life
- Larry Almada: Fifth largest?
- Lewis Kiniski: Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucarahca's, which has its own undertow.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I think I'm going to be sick
- Drew Carey: Why?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!
- Kate O'Brien: [Kate is sitting and lighting a piece of paper on fire] I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing *mom*, before *time* gets here. There we go.
- [Drew and Oswald accidentally spray Lewis with a liquid that attracts eagles, and run inside]
- Lewis Kiniski: Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake!
- [the eagle doesn't show up]
- Lewis Kiniski: What, I'm not good enough for ya?
- Drew Carey: If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?
- [Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]
- Lewis Kiniski: Help! Help! Let me in!
- Drew Carey: You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.
- Lewis Kiniski: Because eagles eat squirrels.
- Drew Carey: Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.
- Mimi Bobeck: You're late.
- Drew Carey: I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.
- Mimi Bobeck: Remember, lift with the knees.
- Drew Carey: You know, I had such a great time with my band last night that even seeing you couldn't affect it. OK, that's not true.