The Fast Show (1994–2014)

Paul Whitehouse: Various Roles, Brilliant Kid, Ted, Chris the Crafty Cockney, Lyndsay, Rowley Birkin Q.C., 'Anyone fancy a pint?', Arthur Atkinson, Ken, Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos, Ron Manager, Unlucky Alf, Alcoholic Grandad, Cockney Man, Dave, Jed Thomas

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Football Commentator : Well, Ron Manager, once again the pace and the tempo of that first half totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.

  Ron Manager : Cor, Ryan Giggs, you know? Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wiggsy? Mmm? Oh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know, marvellous.

  Tommy : Is he the new George Best?

  Ron Manager : Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? But Giggsy-wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Mmm? Ooh, got it all, you know? Speed, acceleration, sweet left foot, all the tricks - the dummy, the drop of the shoulder, the shimmy, nutmeg, jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.

  Football Commentator : Thank you, Ron. Now, Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.

  Ron Manager : Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?

  Football Commentator : You've lost me there, Ron. Not sure about that particular formation. But, Tommy, do we need structure? Look at the Brazilians.

  Ron Manager : Oh, those Brazilians, you know? Circa 1970? Broke the mould. Theory out the window. Free expression of football. Uncategorisable. Is that a word? It is now! You know? Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Rush goalie. Two at the back, three in the middle, four up front, one's gone home for his tea. Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.

• Ralph : What are you fishing for?

  Ted : Fish.

• [repeated line] 

  News Anchor : A fe fe fe a fe fe fe, Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

• Ron Manager : Arseholes! Sorry I meant "Marvellous"...

• Rowley Birkin : Blub, blub, blub, blub, blub and lays its eggs in your brain!

• Ralph : [It's Ted's day off and Ted has gone fishing]  What are you fishing for, Ted?

  Ted : Fish.

• Ron Manager : Self belief. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it, I can do it, I can really move from my head right down to my blue suede shoes. Isn't it? Rubettes, 1973? Marvellous.

• 13th Duke of Wybourne : Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a sixth form girl's dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? What were they thinking of?

• Brilliant : You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant! But he's not really small. They made him look small to fit on telly. They did it with trick photography, which is brilliant. Only they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2. Have you seen it? It's about this bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again. Fantastic! Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film but with a different number, like two or three. Even bad films are great, 'cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant. In fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, brilliant silvery costumes, food in pills and probably some special futurey can-opener. Fantastic! And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything! Except play football. They'd be no good in goal, but they do everything else, virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear a hat! I tried it with me brother's crash helmet and I fell down the stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

• Rambling Hiker : [the Rambling Hiker arrives at a petrol station somewhere in the middle of the countryside]  Hello! Hello, there! Hello! I was wondering if you could help me? My canteen is a bit low.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : I see. You are lost and you want directions. Right. Now, you see this road here. You go up this road until you get to a tree. Lovely old tree!

  Rambling Hiker : No! you misunderstand me. I need some water for my canteen. Yes! It is very thirsty work hiking up and down the highways and byways.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : And you'll be needing directions?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! I am fully equipped. I know exactly where I am. I've never had to ask for directions. I am a fully experienced rambling hiker.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : Are you sure about that?

  Rambling Hiker : Yes. I am quiet sure.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : What about the end of that road, over there? Have you been down there?

  Rambling Hiker : I've just come from there. Yes.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : But, that's no guarantee!

  Rambling Hiker : Well, I suppose not.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : You better watch where are standing around her, boy. You might fall down a hole. Where would you be if you fell down a hole?

  Rambling Hiker : Well, yes.

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : What about a fog? Stuck in a hole in a fog? Stuck in a hole in a fog in the middle of the night - WITH AN OWL? Up a tree! Stuck in a hole in the middle of a night. Stuck down a hole with an owl! On your own behind the wall! Lovely old wall!

  [the elderly petrol station attendant chases the rambling hiker away] 

  Elderly Petrol Station Attendant : Stuck down a hole in the middle of the night with an owl! Stuck down a hole on your own in the middle of the night - WITH AN OWL!

• Various roles : You a young mother, are you? That's the hardest job in the world is, innit, eh? The old motherin' game. Yeah, hardest game in the world. Yeah, I done it meself, see? Yeah. Thirty years, man and woman.

• Rowley Birkin : I opened my eyes and - by jingo! I realised I'd married three of 'em.

• Rowley Birkin : ...thin layer of lemon curd...

• Rowley Birkin : Completely made out of rubber...

• Rowley Birkin : I punched him right on the nose!

• Rowley Birkin : Opened my eyes and, by George, realised I'd married three of them!

• Rowley Birkin : And I was feeling a little liverish!

• Rowley Birkin : [a caravan site is on his slideshow]  In some dark corner of the human soul...

• Rowley Birkin : Oh you must have been there. Oh, it's quite, quite, quite, quite wonderful...

• Old Man : [Rambling Hiker is walking along a road in the middle of the countryside. As Rambling Hiker stops to study his map. An old man disguised as a scarecrow walks over to him]  Are you lost?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! No! I've studied the maps and I intend to walk over to that tree.

  Old Man : Lovely old tree.

  Rambling Hiker : Yes.

  Old Man : Are you a brave man?

  Rambling Hiker : No! No! I've done this sort of thing many times before. I have no fear.

  Old Man : You should have fear. There are plenty of dogs with real vengeance in their hearts, that lives down here.

  Rambling Hiker : I am a fully experienced rambling hiker. I always come prepared.

  [Raises his horn] 

  Rambling Hiker : One blast on this old friend will seriously stop any fierce dog from tangling with me. I simply raise my hand like this.

  [Blows horn] 

  Rambling Hiker : And it simply terrifies them.

  Old Man : What about owls? There are plenty of owls around here. And badgers? What about badgers?

  Rambling Hiker : I simply raise my hand like this. Lift my warning horn into my lips and

  [Blows horn] 

  Old Man : What about the slivering thing?

  Rambling Hiker : What?

  Old Man : A slivering thing. It might be death. Slivering things often are. What use would your fancy crimson hooter be then, hey? What about a slivering thing with an owl?

  Rambling Hiker : Thank you very much, I'll be on my way.

  Old Man : What about an eel? What about eels with mighty wingspan? Eels that can fly!

  [Rambling Hiker blows his horn. The old man freezes. The Rambling Hiker continues walking. The old man stands still like a statue and walks after the Rambling Hiker] 

• Unlucky Alf : [Unlucky Alf is at a park feeding bread to the geese]  Not many pleasures remaining in life for an old gent. Apart from popping down to the park for an hour or so to feed the geese. Come on! Come on me little friends!

  [a goose bites Unlucky Alf in the groin] 

  Unlucky Alf : Bugger! I didn't realize that was going to happen. Ooh! Not that I gotten much use to it anymore, I suppose.

• Rowley Birkin : [Rowley Birkin telling a sad story about a woman he loved]  When I was young, it happens to every young man, I'm sure. She was a really beautiful woman. She had a very long neck. Very intelligent, really piercing eyes. Of course, the war came along. There was never really anything between us. I remember a beautiful song - #I love you... I can't remember anymore. Phylis and I was in absolute flood of tears. It was very cold and she... Phyllis... I held in my arms... I'm afraid I was very drunk.

• Rowley Birkin : [Asleep]  Six breasts! And a long pointy nose. Don't point that thing at me, she said, and then she came. Penicillin! Nye Bevan...

• Ron Manager : Now look, I like you, but that's the language of the Snooker Hall!

• Rowley Birkin : Image of a Nazi General licking a lollipop!

• Ron Manager : With Aplomb!