- Det. Connie McDowell: [after Theo walks in on her getting out of the shower] Did you drop Theo off at school?
- Andy: I dropped him off at Hooters. He insisted.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Keep me posted.
- Andy: Any cases you don't want us to keep you posted on? What's the point in saying that?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: OK, then, get outta my office.
- Russian woman: Marina. Strangled and raped. What is wrong with this country?
- Andy: What's wrong with this country? I'll tell you what's wrong; it's all these foreigners coming over here screwing it up!
- Det. Bobby Simone: Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Don't you keep a daily log or something?
- Bus Dispatcher: Daily log. What do I look like, Captain Kirk?
- [Fancy has been briefing Rodriguez]
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Well, that's about it. You know, you haven't asked me any questions about the squad.
- Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Yeah, guess I better do that; wouldn't want to appear apathetic. Any squadroom romances I need to be aware of?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: None right now.
- Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Okay. Any old school detectives that care more about solving cases than making the bosses happy?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Yeah. Sipowicz. He's... unique.
- Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Is he a good detective?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: If a member of my family was murdered, I'd want Sipowicz to catch the case.
- Lt. Tony Rodriguez: I guess that's it then. Good luck, Captain.
- A.D.A. Valerie Haywood: I've got a big problem.
- Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Oh, that's third floor. We're small to medium problems down here.
- Andy: [while examining the body of a decapitated man whose head is sitting in his own lap] You don't often encounter this method of suicide.
- Big Rick: [after confessing to a robbery-homicide] Money from the safe stashed in my apartment, black leather bag under some skin magazines in the corner behind the bed. I want to use that to pay for a lawyer.
- Andy: Don't exactly work that way, Big Rick, but if they try at the trial passing you off as the mastermind, you tell 'em what you just said.
- Katie Sipowicz: I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me.
- Andy: I guess what you heard didn't include the words coming out of my mouth.
- Katie Sipowicz: I heard something and I checked my intuition, afterwards by prayer.
- Andy: Katie, this has gotta stop. After God tells you what to do, if I'm involved in the message, you check back with me.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Here's some free advice: get enough self-respect so when some fool starts talking to you like a nigger, you don't go half nuts and jam yourself up needing to prove he isn't right.
- Officer Reggie Fancy: You got some funny ideas about self-respect.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: My idea's when I hear an ass out in the field braying, I don't feel any deep need to start braying back.
- Skel: I was holding that deck for someone else.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: Does the guy you were holding it for call you "my friend the moron"?
- Det. Danny Sorenson: All right, into the cage for a while.
- Julio Diaz: For what?
- Det. Danny Sorenson: For breaking balls. You give me no cooperation, I'm gonna run you for warrants in every jurisdiction in America.
- Julio Diaz: Man, go out and get shot in the street.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: Yeah, why don't you write that up for Reader's Digest? "My Worst Day Ever So Far" by Julio.
- Det. John Clark, Jr.: So, Greg; you know my dad, huh?
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Yeah, from task forces and such; never worked in the same squad.
- Det. John Clark, Jr.: Listen, what do you know about 'Dutch Boy'?
- Det. Greg Medavoy: When your dad was working a foot beat in Brooklyn, he walked by Miller's Hardware...
- Det. John Clark, Jr.: Yeah, I know the place.
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Anyway, Clark noticed the door was open. It's a two story; street level and basement. Anyway, your dad goes in and when he goes into the basement; he sees what he thinks is a guy holding a gun. He identifies himself and when the guy doesn't drop the gun; Clark pulls his gun and shoots
- [starts laughing]
- Det. Greg Medavoy: . Clark's on the floor, calling for backup when he notices that the guy hasn't moved.
- [laughing harder]
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Anyway, he grabs his flashlight and notices that there's this white powder all over him. Then he notices that what he shot was a full size advertisement for 'Dutch Boy' paints and what he thought was a gun was the guy's paint brush. Meanwhile, he shot the brush off and there's two holes in the dummy's crotch. Man, he really got his balls broke over that one and...
- [notices the stunned look on Clark's face]
- Det. Greg Medavoy: uh...
- Det. Baldwin Jones: Uh, of course, anyone could have made the same mistake.
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Yeah, sure, could have happened to anybody.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: The future keeps telling us what the past was about. You make the past mean different things by the way you use the time that comes after.
- Andy: Romeo's a rage-a-holic, which means he's often pissed off, unlike the vast majority of us gliding along devil-may-care.
- A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: As it happens, the courts have upheld that a confession can be obtained by ruse or trick, so long as an innocent man wouldn't be deceived.
- Andy: There's a relief.
- A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: But that doesn't make me any more comfortable with what you've done.
- Andy: What's your name again?
- A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: Arnold Rosenthal.
- Andy: Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be in touch the second that your comfort becomes important to me.
- A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: I don't know what Sylvia sees in you.
- Andy: Dickhead.
- Det. John Kelly: How's the drying out going?
- Andy: Helps when the first week's unconscious. Now I go two, three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: [an overweight woman has demanded to see Sipowicz] Andy, there's no easy way to say this, but Jeri is having issues with Diane and Jill. She's demanding to see you.
- Andy: That ain't goin' to happen.
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Diane and Jill think she's painted herself into a corner with manslaughter and it doesn't need to go that way. Anyway, she says either she talks to you or she lawyer's up.
- Andy: That's what she needs to do then. Maybe we don't do enough of that.
- [Looks at Simone]
- Andy: See, this amuses you because you don't attract psychotics.
- Det. Bobby Simone: No, it doesn't. Well, yeah, it is amusing; but this could be real serious.
- ADA Sylvia Costas: [Andy and Sylvia are having to adjust to the new baby] Andy, do you remember having sex?
- Andy: Aren't you afraid we'll wake up the baby?
- ADA Sylvia Costas: Well, you'll just have to hold off on doing your Tarzan yell and beating your chest.
- Andy: Yeah, I guess I could not do that this time.
- Andy: [Sylvia has surprised Andy by getting in the shower with him] Uh, Sylvia; you know I usually wash that part of my body down there myself.
- ADA Sylvia Costas: Would you like me to stop?
- Andy: Um, no. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of cleaning it.
- [Cohen is trying to get back together with Kirkendall]
- Andy: OK, here's your chance, but if you get belligerent with her again, everyone is this squad will take it very personal.
- ADA Leo Cohen: I understand.
- Andy: If you don't understand now, you will about two seconds after you do it.
- Henry Coffield: I'm not a kid anymore, Simone. If you can't be kind about the people you feel kindness towards, you're no damn good.
- Det. Bobby Simone: The way I look at that, Henry: if we're still drawing breath, we have a chance to do something on our shortcomings besides piss and moan.
- Det. Bobby Simone: We got the weapon from your apartment there, Rick.
- Andy: Always a right move tossing the piece, Rick, though at the time it may seem wasteful.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: What's wrong with John babysitting?
- Andy: He's gay, that's what's wrong with it.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: I mean, c'mon, Andy, how long you known him?
- Andy: A long time, and he's been gay every day of it.
- Agent Francis: [to Danny] You remind me of Donnie Osmond with your partner's personality.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: Agent Frances, I'm proud to say I've got all of Donnie's albums, including Mormon Hymns To Federal Agents Who Steal Their Weekly Paychecks.
- Det. Bobby Simone: How you been feeling, Vince?
- Det. Vince Gotelli: I told you. I have generalized coronary artery disease, abnormal in the thallium stress test, and now I'm having difficult urinating.
- Andy: Coronary system failing, urinary system failing. Now he's at the stage, you ask him how he's feeling, he tells you.
- Andy: She make any derogatory references?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: She said you were old and bald.
- Andy: Old?
- Det. Danny Sorenson: Bald?
- Det. Bobby Simone: What happened, Vince?
- Det. Vince Gotelli: Two guys came in the bar, ordered a drink, then pulled their guns and held up the place. Then all of a sudden they started shooting. I pulled my piece and shot back. I think I hit one, but then I went down.
- Det. Bobby Simone: But you weren't hit, were you?
- Det. Vince Gotelli: No, chest pains. One of the guys left holding his shoulder. I wonder why I got chest pains at that moment?
- Andy: Might be a sign from God to stay out of these titty bars, Vince.
- Det. Jill Kirkendall: Suspects only get one phone call; so, you need to decide whether to call your lawyer or your drug dealer.
- John Irvin: Unless they are the same person.
- Dr. Wentzel: You think you're a psychiatrist?
- Andy: No, I'm a Polack detective, knows you get away with murder, you leave the crime scene and you go about your life. It's you, you intelligent types, you always got to provide an alternate suspect.
- Det. Connie McDowell: Theo walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower this morning.
- Det. Rita Ortiz: Well, was this a glimpse or what?
- Det. Connie McDowell: Everything, I mean the Full Monty.
- Det. Rita Ortiz: Well, at least he has something interesting to use during sharing time at school this morning.
- [Sipowicz is returning Bale's credit card that was found on a gay hustler]
- Andy: Listen, when we were tossing this guy's apartment, I found this. Thought you might want it back. Got to figure, a guy like this is probably dealing in stolen credit cards from all over
- [walks out as Bale looks stunned]
- Lt. Thomas Bale: [about the credit card] Detective; you know something about me and I want to know what you intend to do about it.
- Andy: Lieutenant, all I know is I found your credit card and returned it to you. That's all I know and all I want to know. 'Night, boss.
- Lt. Thomas Bale: Thank you, Detective.
- Det. Baldwin Jones: [Sipowicz shows up at a crime scene] Hey, Andy, what are you doing here? I thought when Bale's shooting was solved, you were going back to uniform.
- Det. Rita Ortiz: [looks at Sipowicz and smiles] Go ahead, tell them.
- Andy: They gave me the squad. Chief of D's told me last night at Medavoy's racket.
- Det. John Clark, Jr.: Really? Why didn't you tell anybody?
- Andy: I didn't want to distract from Medavoy's night. Anyway, it went out this morning.
- Det. John Clark, Jr.: Well, I don't know that I can work for you.
- Det. Laura Murphy: [smiling] I don't know if any of us can.
- Andy: [going along with the joke] That's OK. I was planning on bringing in my own people anyways.
- Andy: That was positive, wasn't it? "Our pleasure"?
- Det. John Kelly: Fair.
- Andy: What should I have said? "Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot"?
- Det. Baldwin Jones: [a suspect has demanded a phone book to call an attorney] Oh, you want a phone book, huh?
- [rips a phone book in half]
- Det. Baldwin Jones: Okay, you look in that part and I'll look in this part.
- Suspect: Damn! Now, wait a minute. A brother like you don't know his own strength! Tell me again what you want to know!
- [Medavoy and Jones are discussing a DOA]
- Det. Greg Medavoy: Some of these working girls tell me this guy was a pimp. Imagine that; a white pimp. I mean, how does that happen, D?
- Det. Baldwin Jones: Equal opportunity, Greg.
- Andy: What's open?
- John Irvin: Not the coffee room.
- Andy: Why 'not the coffee room'?
- John Irvin: Lt. Fancy and Lt. Abner are in there with the door closed. They are having a frank discussion.
- Det. Diane Russell: A very, frank, discussion.
- Andy: [to Jones] Don't go in there unless you hear glass breaking.
- Det. Danny Sorenson: He's the fast-talker of the partnership, while you take care of the silent, brooding chores?
- Dr. Talbot: He needs to be tranquillized.
- Andy: You pull a tranquillizer gun on me and the safari stops at the dentist! He's got the wrong elephant.
- [an older woman is coming on to Sorenson]
- Andy: You know, sad thing is, back when I was drinking, many's the night I'd have thrown a hump into that.
- Andy: We're going to check out the other building this wacko manages.
- [to Jones]
- Andy: You might want to talk to this guy; he's carrying on about black demons and voices.
- Det. Baldwin Jones: What, do you want me to go in there with my tribal outfit on?
- [Disgusted, Sipowicz leaves]
- Det. Baldwin Jones: [to Fancy] Do you want me to go in there?
- Lt. Arthur Fancy: Well, do you have a tribal outfit?
- [Jones and Sipowicz are questioning a suspect]
- Elmo: Man, I can't go to no jail! What am I going to do about my bar?
- Andy: Padlock it, Elmo, and reopen in three to five.
- Elmo: Three to five days?
- Det. Baldwin Jones: Check out Elmo; Mr. Positive Thinking.
- Andy: That's three to five *years*, nitwit.
- Lt. Thomas Bale: Sipowicz, I heard from a friend of mine that oversees the sergeant's exam. You passed.
- Andy: I did?
- Lt. Thomas Bale: Just thought you might want to know ahead of time, before it becomes public. Congratulations. So, you ready to become a boss?
- Andy: [Slightly stunned] I guess I'll find out.
- Det. Bobby Simone: You were pushing it, now you're under arrest. You're a collar, you understand that?
- Richard Manzak: You guys are fags, right? You're fags from some women's group.
- Andy: That don't make us bad people.