Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Elias Koteas: Casey Jones
Photos
Quotes
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Donatello : You're a claustrophobic.
Casey Jones : You want a fist in the mouth? I've never even looked at another guy before.
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Thug : [of Raph] What the hell was that?
Thug : I - I don't know.
Casey Jones : [jumps down next to them] Now *that*, was a crime, you purse-grabbing pukes. And *this* is the penalty.
[knocks them over with his hockey stick]
Casey Jones : Two minutes for slashing...
[does it again]
Casey Jones : Two minutes for hooking...
[again]
Casey Jones : And let's not forget my personal favorite: two minutes for high sticking.
Raphael : [jumps in and knocks him down] How about a five-minute game misconduct for roughing, pal?
Casey Jones : Hey, Bogey... who died and made you referee? You did your job, now get out of here and let me do mine, all right? These JV low lifes need to be taught a lesson.
Raphael : Not like that they don't. Not from you.
Casey Jones : [turns to see the thugs running away, turns back] Well, it looks like you're the one who needs to be taught a lesson, pal.
[pulls out two ball bats]
Casey Jones : The class is Pain 101. Your instructor is Casey Jones.
Raphael : Look, I don't wanna fight you.
Casey Jones : Yeah, well, tough rocks, pal.
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Splinter : Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be...
[Shredder throws a hidden knife; Splinter catches it, releasing the spear and letting Shredder fall from the building and land in the back of a garbage truck]
Splinter : ...Without honor.
Casey Jones : Oops!
[Casey Jones pulls the lever of the garbage truck and activates its compactor]
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April O'Neil : Oh, Casey, hi.
Casey Jones : Hi? I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is "Hi"?
April O'Neil : You don't need an ambulance, do you?
Casey Jones : No, but...
April O'Neil : Just shut up and kiss me, OK? I got a report to do.
Casey Jones : I love it when you're pushy.
April O'Neil : Yeah?
[they kiss]
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[hurling insults in alphabetical order]
Casey Jones : Not even close, Zip Neck. Professor and Mary Anne. Happily ever after.
Donatello : No way, Atomic Mouth, Gilligan was her main man. They'd be married and have six kids by now.
Casey Jones : Gilligan was a geek, Barfaroni!
Donatello : You're the geek, Camel Breath!
Casey Jones : Dome head.
Donatello : Elf lips!
[Casey finishes fixing the engine]
Casey Jones : Okay, let's see if this transplant worked, fungoid!
Donatello : Here it goes... What are we on?
Casey Jones : Uh, G.
Donatello : Here it goes, gack face!
Casey Jones : I'm ready, hose brain!
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[Tatsu does his grunt as Casey immediately notices Tatsu, he tries to mimic his grunt in a playful way]
Casey Jones : Uh, you know... A little um...
[acting like he is spraying something in his mouth]
Casey Jones : Primatene might just help to clear that up there.
[Tatsu gave Casey a striaght punch towards his face, knocking him to the floor. As Casey gets up]
Casey Jones : That's going to cost you, Tinkerbell.
[Tatsu gave Casey a left hook to Casey's face, knocking to the floor again. As Casey gets up]
Casey Jones : You know, I don't think that you're listening.
[Tatsu kicks Casey, launching him to the air and crashing into the crates. Casey tries to get up after the injuries he sustained from Tatsu]
Casey Jones : You know, I'm starting to pick up... on a little language barrier thing going here.
[Tatsu kicks Casey in the crotch, then a left roundhouse kick to his face, and then a left hook to his face, knocking him to floor with the injuries he sustained from Tatsu's attack. Casey, who is injured manages to reach for a golf club and as Tatsu approaches him, Casy struck Tatsu in the stomach with his golf club. As Tatsu aches in extreme pain]
Casey Jones : Fore!
[Casey strikes Tatsu like a golf ball, sending him flying towards the wall with crates, knocking him out]
Casey Jones : [kisses the golf club] I'll never call golf a dull game again.
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April O'Neil : My nearest neighbors are about four miles away. I need to get to a phone and call my boss.
Casey Jones : You mean Charles?
April O'Neil : Yes; how did you know that?
Casey Jones : He left a message on your machine, uh, just before we got out...
April O'Neil : And?
Casey Jones : Well, hey, you just saved yourself an eight-mile round-tripper. Um... You were fired.
April O'Neil : I just saved myself?
Casey Jones : [oblivious to the dark tone] Mm-hm.
Donatello , Michaelangelo : Uh-oh.
April O'Neil : What did you do? Did you take classes in insensitivity?
Casey Jones : I was just trying to break it to you easy.
April O'Neil : Oh, well you FAILED miserably...
Casey Jones : Hey, broadzilla, you wouldn't even be standin' here if it weren't for me, okay?
April O'Neil : Oh, well what do you want? You want a thank you?
Casey Jones : ...No. It's me who should thank you for that privilege, right?
April O'Neil : Fine!
Casey Jones : Yeah.
April O'Neil : Thank you.
Casey Jones : No, thank YOU!
April O'Neil : You're welcome!
Casey Jones : YOU'RE welcome!
[they go into two separate rooms and slam the doors]
Donatello : Gosh, it's kinda like Moonlighting, isn't it?
[Michaelangelo nods]
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Casey Jones : [Raph's hat has come off, revealing his face] Hey, what are you, some sort of punker?
Raphael : Huh?
Casey Jones : [baiting] God, I hate punkers... Especially bald ones with green make-up who wear... masks over ugly faces.
Raphael : That's it.
Casey Jones : [as Raph lunges] Ooh.
Raphael : New batter!
[Raph swings at Casey with the bat & missed]
Casey Jones : Strike one!
[Raph swings again and misses]
Casey Jones : What a wiffer!
[Raph jumps over Casey & hits him with the bat]
Raphael : Home run! Raphael wins 1-nothing!
Casey Jones : New game, round head.
[reaches behind and grabs a Cricket bat]
Casey Jones : Cricket!
Raphael : Cricket? Nobody understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!
Casey Jones : I'll show ya!
[hits Raphael with the bat]
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Casey Jones : Lead the way, Toots.
April O'Neil : "Toots"?
Casey Jones : Babe? Sweetcakes? Ah - Princess! You wanna throw me a clue here? I'm drowning.
April O'Neil : Hey, you know what, that's okay. I'll do it myself.
Casey Jones : Fine, it's up to you. Just don't come around here asking for my help anymore.
April O'Neil : Casey, I wouldn't ask for your help if you were the last THING on the face of this planet.
Casey Jones : At least I know she thinks of me...
[Casey sprawls out on the porch swing; it breaks and he falls on it to the ground]
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Casey Jones : [about April's farmhouse] Hey, didn't they use this place in The Grapes of Wrath?
April O'Neil : Very funny. I told you, I haven't been up here in years.
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Casey Jones : This is great. First it was The Farm That Time Forgot and now this. Why don't I ever fall in with people who own condos? Probably hard to get good maid service in a sewer. Maybe you guys should try Roto Rooter, huh?
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Charles : [on the answering machine dangling from its wire] April, it's Charles... I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this: You're fired, April. I'm sorry... I know this comes as a blow.
[the wire burns off and the machine falls, hitting a Foot Soldier over the head]
Casey Jones : You can say that again, Chuck.
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Gang Leader : We have a loyalty to the Shredder.
Splinter : The Shredder uses you. He poisons your minds to obtains for that which he desires. He cares nothing for you or the people you hurt.
Gang Leader : We're family.
Casey Jones : Family? Did you say family? You call this here and that...
[points to Tatsu, who he just knocked out]
Casey Jones : ...down there, family?
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Splinter : Who are you?
Casey Jones : Casey Jones, a friend.
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Casey Jones : [to the Foot soldiers of Raph] You guys mind telling me what you're doing to my little green pal over there, hm?
[sees April]
Casey Jones : Oh, who is the babe?
Leonardo : Who the heck is that?
Michaelangelo : Wayne Gretzky on steroids?
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Gang Leader : What are we just standing here for? Let's get him!
Casey Jones : [brandishing golf club] Do you wanna be first, Junior?
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Casey Jones : [sighs after knocking out two Foot Soldiers in rapid succession] It's a talent.
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April O'Neil : [April's voice on outgoing message; answering machine dangles through a hole in the ceiling by a burning cord] Hi, this is April. Leave a message after the beep.
Casey Jones : What?
Charles : [leaving a message] April, it's Charles. I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this. You're fired, April. I'm sorry. I know this comes as a blow.
[the cord snaps and the answering machine drops on a Foot ninja's head, knocking him out]
Casey Jones : You can say that again, Chuck.
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Casey Jones : Oh. You guys mind telling me what you're doing to my little green pal over there? Mm? Oh, who is the babe?
Leonardo : Who the heck is that?
Michaelangelo : Wayne Gretzky on steroids?
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Head Thug : What are we just standing here for? Let's get him.
Casey Jones : [brandishing golf club] Do you want to be first, junior, huh?
Head Thug : We have a loyalty to the Shredder.
Splinter : The Shredder uses you. He poisons your minds to obtain that which he desires. He cares nothing for you or the people you hurt.
Head Thug : We're a family.
Casey Jones : Family? Is that what you said? Family?
[gestures around the room and then to a fallen Tatsu]
Casey Jones : You call this here...... and that down there, family?