- Maggie Katherine Malone Seaver: Carol, how dare you disobey us!
- Jason: I never thought I would ever say that but Carol Ann Seaver, you're grounded.
- Carol: Wait...
- Maggie Katherine Malone Seaver: No explanations. You are not getting a nose job.
- Carol: I know.
- Jason: What?
- Carol: I'm not getting a nose job.
- Jason: Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol.
- Coach Graham Lubbock: Why did these people give up all their things, and head west in covered wagons? Stabone.
- Richard 'Boner' Stabone: 'Cause if they headed east, they would have drowned?
- Kate Macdonald: What do you know about guys?
- Mike: Well, I've been one for fifteen years.
- Kate Macdonald: But you're nineteen.
- Mike: Interesting story.
- [Mike talking to older blind date]
- Mike: Do you have any idea what it's like to go through puberty backwards? Yeah, it's true. There are only two known cases, me and Dick Clark.
- [talking to Mike]
- Luke Brower: Not only do you get a sudden craving for pineapple ice cream, but you have to bring someone to watch you eat it?
- Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Mike, a voice just came out of the radiator and it sounded a lot like God
- [referring to handyman working in the basement]
- Mike: No, Boner, that's Jimmy
- Richard 'Boner' Stabone: You call Him Jimmy?
- Richard 'Boner' Stabone: [later]
- [walks downstairs angrily]
- Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Okay, what in the name of Jimmy is going on down here?
- [Mike pretended to brake his ankle so he didn't have to clean the gutters with his dad and go site seeing instead. Jason leaves the room and comes back later and finds Mike there alone and says...]
- Jason: Kate didn't want to go sight seeing, huh?
- Stinky: Much like that baby alligator your flushed down the toilet, and haven't thought of since.
- [Jaws theme plays]
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