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Reviews
No Solicitors (2015)
Even The Outtakes Were Awful!
I read the premise for this movie on one of the free streaming services and thought it sounded pretty good so I gave it a shot. I knew I was in for a dog when the opening credits listed Eric Roberts as one of the stars! If you're fan of streaming free horror movies, like me, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an Eric Roberts movie. You may not know this, but Mr. Roberts is now the most credited actor in IMDB history with almost 800 credits. Heck, he has over 45 credits this year and it's only March!! This movie lacks good writing, good acting, good lighting, I could go on. The lines are delivered with zero feeling and droning monotone and timing between the actors in delivering the lines is atrocious. Kim Poirier does an "okay" job as Robert's daughter, but even she can't save this pile of doodoo. I was fast forwarding through the end of the movie when I came upon some outtakes so I stopped to watch them and was shocked that even the outtakes were painful to watch. I mean really, have you ever watched outtakes that you didn't laugh at eve a little? Avoid this one.
Brownian Movement (2010)
Deep Art House Film That Most Don't Seem To Get
The film was recommended to me on Tubi so I had no idea what it was about going into it. First of all, it is an Art House film with little dialog, and if either of those things turn you off you can skip this review and the movie.
The movie opens with Charlotte renting an apartment and paying quite a large sum for it in cash. Next we learn that Charlotte is a very successful doctor, researcher & teacher with a great a family, including a great looking husband! Next we see Charlotte walking up and down the hall of her research facility looking at patients and eventually choosing one to take back to her apartment, which we now know is obviously her love den, and has sex with the patient. This theme repeats itself as we see Charlotte take many patients back to her bachelorette pad. Where the name of the movie seems to come into play here is that she is randomly selecting these men, hence the name the Brownian Movement, technically The Brownian Motion. The men Charlotte selects are all the antithesis of her very handsome husband with one being bald, one very hairy, one obese and a very old man. But are they truly random?
Eventually Charlotte is caught cheating and violating medical ethics by having sex with her patients and is ordered to undergo a court mandated psych eval/marriage counseling with her husband. In the final counseling session, Charlotte is asked why she did this by her husband and the psychiatrist and just when we think we are going to learn why? Charlotte says " I think it is better If I don't say why? But if you were paying attention, which I was, Charlotte appears to have a tactile compulsion, in that she is satiated by different textures and touch sensations, those seem to be what drives her behavior. We first see this in the opening scene in the apartment when Charlotte, in a short silk robe, spreads a blanket out on the bed and sits on it. She appears very frustrated while sitting on the blanket and then pulls her robe up so her bare bottom is now on the blanket and sense of calm comes over her. She lays back on the blanket and gently rubs the back of her hand across the blanket, which we see has a very distinct texture to it.
The men Charlotte selected are all offer that same tactile sensation she seeks. We see her stroking and touching the body hair of the very hirsute man. Later she plays with the belly of the obese man. During that same encounter we see Charlotte lying nude on carpet gently stroking carpet fibers when the obese man lies on top of Charlotte, not in a sexual way, but rather for Charlotte to experience the feeling of his weight upon her. The saggy skin of the old man again offers another unique tactile sensation for her.
The compulsion is not just related to men, we see Charlotte visiting buildings under construction and lying on the concrete structures rubbing the concrete with her hands with the same calm she experienced on the blanket.
Charlotte is eventually disbarred and her and her husband move to another country and magically have two more children, that was a bit of a disconnect, but we are to believe her and her husband have reconciled. While Charlotte appears to have overcome her compulsion with men, she is still distanced from her husband and he begins to believe she is cheating on him, again. He follows her one day expecting to find her with another man, but instead finds her in a building under construction sitting against the concrete wall seemingly in rapture. The husband actually feels jealous of the joy she finds with inanimate objects, but ultimately deals with it.
The movie was a very interesting/deep character study of a person with a unique affliction, but cutting down on all the scenes with little dialog could have made the film shorter and ultimately better.
It Comes at Night (2017)
What Comes at Night?
After watching this movie I have the question "what comes at night"? Cause it certainly didn't show up in this slow plodding movie with no set-up and no conclusion. I like a lot of A24 movies and wanted to like this one, which from the title one would assume that it is a horror movie, when in fact it's a thriller or suspense genre movie, but with no payoff. The acting performances are good, the cinematography is good, but the movie offers nothing more than that. I read a few reviews that ramble on about how great this movie is and the horror is in the isolationism experienced by the family, but I would say that while it creates a feeling of depression and loneliness, it is hardly horror.
Circus of the Dead (2014)
Gore Porn Gone Wrong
Low budget clown gore porn with decent practical effects, but lack or story development, poor acting and gore for gore's sake doom this movie. Even the gorgeous Chanel Ryan couldn't save this film. Circus of the Dead came out one year after Damien Leone's All Hallows Eve so is it a "coincidence" that Papa Corn, the lead killer clown, looks pretty similar to Art The Clown? Please refer to Leroy Jethro Gibbs Rule #39 for the answer to that question. In a nut shell if Rob Zombie and Damien Leone decided to team up and make the worst possible horror movie in the history of horror movies as a gag, Circus of The Dead would be it. #HardPass.
Camp Fear (1991)
Mystic Mountain? Camp Fear? Yes!
I fell asleep watching a movie on Tubi and when I woke up Mystic Mountain, AKA, Camp Fear had just started. The movie starts out with a bunch of topless sorority sisters heading to and from the shower. Not a bad way to wake up from a nap, but the movie quickly devolves to low grade schlock!
Vince Van Patten start along with his then wife Betsy Russell, of SAW fame, and his brother Nehls, call it a family affair if you like. Van Patten actually does a fairly decent acting job here and looks like an oscar winner compared to the rest of the cast!
The movie was shot in 1991, but the film quality, acting and "Special" effects look like a late 70's motorcycle movie. When I say "Special", the fight scenes are terrible and the styrofoam lake monster push it from a B-Movie to a clear C-.
Saying all that the movie does have some redeeming qualities like George "Buck" Flower, a regular in John Carpenter movies, playing the town drunk. When he sees the ghost of an Indian chief Buck Delivers the line of the movie when he proclaims "I need a beer, I don't wanna die with an empty bladder!"
Betsy Russell is her normal gorgeous self, but the love seen with Van Patten is one of the weirdest I've seen. We see Van Patten's hand on her hip inside her underwear, then they pan away and pan back to the same shot, pan away back to the same shot and then they are dressed and gone.
I really feel like this was one of the titular movies designed to suck boys and young men in with the open nude scenes because they had nothing else. Changing the name seemed like it was only done to suck in a whole new crop of the same audience.
Wolf Mother (2016)
Not Even Najarra Could Save This One
I'm a huge fan of Najarra Townsend and have been consuming her, so far, limited filmography which led me to Wolf Mother. It's a low budget, slow moving, gritty, quasi-redemption story that falls flat on so many levels. While Najarra does a commendable job as the child star turned street walker, her complex backstory really could have unfolded in much more comprehensive storyline. I did not enjoy the lead male role at all. The character is a down on his luck con man and the actor seemed wrong for the role from the start and his performance was choppy at best. Interesting how Tom Sizemore, a serial B actor gets top billing and only appears in the film for about 3 minutes! It's pretty evident that the 10 out of 10 reviews are associated with the film in some way because there is no way any rational human being could give this drivel 10/10! To the one 10/10 reviewer who said "I never saw that ending coming" have you never seen Bonnie & Clyde, The Godfather or The Devil's Rejects?
The Munsters (2022)
Just Nahhhhh
I'd like to say I watched the entire movie, but I gave up after 45 minutes, as I could no way endure another 1:03 of this schlock!
I totally get where Monsieur Zombie was trying to go with this reboot of the classic 60's TV series I grew up on, albeit in reruns. Unfortunately, the move falls flat in the writing, script, acting and the campiness Zombie was obviously going for in the film.
What made The Munsters such a great tv show was the juxtaposition of a classic movie monster family dealing with current (1960's) societal issues and pop culture. Can you imagine how good this movie could have been had the family had to deal with 2022's wokeness? Pronouns, cancel culture, social media & TikTok could have provided endless possibilities for Herman & Lily to navigate.
The movie is not without some redeeming value and that is the color palate and sets that play a key role. It's a visually pleasing movie to the eye, but as soon as the dialog starts it falls apart. Rob & Sherie should go back to what the do best - gore pron.
Ditched (2021)
Fun Ride
Honestly, I don't understand the hate from the reviewers of this film, much of which seems to be superficial. Not liking the way the broken glass looked in the movie, really? This is a fun film with a slightly wild premise that the protagonists have been working for years to get all of these people in the same place at the same time to extract revenge for long held misdeeds.
If horror is about bad things happening to good people, this horror happens to bad people who deserve what they get. You don't see it coming till later in the film, but you soon start to understand why they are all there and how they got there. The only two mysteries left to unravel are what they did to deserve what's coming to them and how they are gonna get snuffed out.
The cinematography was adequate, and okay, some of the performances were a little stiff, but hey it's not Streep & Nicholson in the lead roles so take it for what it's worth-a B horror movie. I really enjoyed the ride and will look forward to revisiting Ditched some time in the future.
The Rizen: Possession (2019)
Engaging Action/Horror Film
This movie was packed with action & lots of scares, both psychological & jump scares. I would have loved to give this movie a 10/10, but while it is an incredibly engaging film, at the end you just say "WTF"? There is no story coherence and the payoff seemed to be the ending from another movie that got mistakenly spliced into this one! When I saw the opening credits it listed Ade Edmondson, who I loved as Vivian from The Young Ones. I looked for him the entire movie and never saw him. Then upon doing an image search, I realized the both Ade, and I, have gotten really old and look nothing like our younger selves!
Porn Shoot Massacre (2009)
$100K budget Just Doesn't Go Very Far!
Low, low, low budget horror movie where even the actresses all used stage names so as not to be associated with this mess. Tired horror trope, big breasted women screaming at the top of their lungs when confronted by a masked, Jason like, killer. No real surprises, no creative kills and the make-up and SFX were beyond weak. The only redeeming value is an appearance by Kasey Poteet, Aka, Kasey Kroft, AKA Diana Prince, AKA Darcy The Mail Girl. Also, I recognized a familiar face from a woman using the stage name Cassandra St. James, who I photographed year's ago when she was just starting out as a model in the biz.
Every Last One of Them (2021)
Just Bad!
This movie was recommended to me on one of the streaming services based on past movies I watched so I gave it a shot. What a mistake. Plot-Bad, Acting-Bad, Directing-Bad, Dialog, I mean the stuff you can actually hear-Bad. Sort of a Rambo meets the Wiseguy episodes with Peter & Susan Profit! Honestly, the entire time I watched it I thought the director must have called in some markers in order to get guys like Richard Dreyfuss and Michael Mason to star in it. AVOID!
The Love Witch (2016)
A slow prodding movie
I've bypassed this movie on the various streaming services for the past 3 years. Then a friend suggested that as someone who enjoys horror comedies I would like the film.
I tried watching it and was bored out of my mind after 45 minutes so I turned it off thinking maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind. A couple days later I tried again, and again, found no enjoyment and turned it off. Finally, I turned it back on at 2x speed just to see if there was any redeeming value to it, but alas I found none.
Visually it reminds me of the old Batman TV series. I totally get the vibe the filmmakers were going for, but it just fell flat. At over 2 hours long, it just drags and the quirkiness of the acting & story become monotonous.
I know taste & preference are totally subjective, but the reviews giving this movie a 10/10 are ponderous, especially considering the movie grossed less than $250K worldwide!