Change Your Image
SoylentGreenIsPeople91
Reviews
The Wicker Man (2006)
Oh, the horror..........
Lets face it; it was all destined to end in tears. And, as optimistic as we all tried to be, the very idea of remaking The Wicker Man was never a good one. What truly floors me, however, is that in remaking a contemporary British chiller, the producers thought it would be a a good idea to cast an American action stay in the lead role. Is this a joke? Nocholas Cage was good in Face/Off, Con Air and the like. But Jesus, stick to what you know, man! Because at the end of the day, you are not the best actor in the world.
And, whilst in the original film, the lead character was a devoutly religious, unmarried virgin, in this film he is allergic to bees. Allergic. To. Bees. Wow. Thats much better. Seriously, the only thing that kept me from bursting into tears and rolling up into a foetal position on the floor was the unintentional comedy; did they honestly think people would be able to take the sight of Nicholas Cage roundhouse kicking little old ladies seriously?? Or forcing them off their bicycles at gunpoint? And whilst some might praise director/hack extraordinaire Neil LaBute for at least having the balls to keep the original ending intact, i found it simply staggering that his incompetence is of such a grand scale that he couldn't even make the sight of Nicholas Cage being burnt alive look satisfying.
But in all seriousness, this film was destined to crash and burn. the plot (which has been "cleverly updated" to include the idea that the little girl who goes missing is actually his daughter) is far too out there to find acceptance amongst a mainstream audience, whilst fans of the original, and, lets face it, fans of common decency in general, will probably avoid this like a plague. I, meanwhile, am simply floored that they ever dared to attempt this in the first place.
Metal: A Headbanger's Journey (2005)
Very Interesting
A thought provoking and interesting documentary about one of the most popular- and controversial- genres of music around today. Discussing topics like religion and sexuality in the world of metal, this features some fascinating interviews with pretty much everyone from Geddy Lee to George Fisher. for those unfamiliar with the genre, or those who consider it "pointless noise", this should hopefully open a few eyes. The director, Sam Dunn, a self confessed headbanger himself, has clearly researched his topic greatly, and whilst the "geneology chart" may need a few tweaks (last time I checked, Cradle of Filth were English, not Norwegian), the footage and interviews provided more than compensate. It addresses the musics critics head on, whilst also providing us with some very funny stories from the lives of its subjects. The interview with Dee Snider about the PMRC is particularly hilarious. And best of all, it has a killer soundtrack.
The War at Home (2005)
Nothing we haven't seen before.
We've seen it all before. A blue collar father, and relatively normal mother, a geeky son and a slutty daughter. how clever. how fresh. about ten years ago. Now, it seems stale and overused. when I see the opening credits of each episode and it says "created by Rob Lotterstein", I can't help but think "yeah, and also by Matt Groening (The Simpsons), Seth McFarlane (Familt Guy), Ron Leavitt (Married with Children), Matt Williams (Roseanne)"... the list goes on. Of course, this should not prove a problem if the programme if funny and well written, but it is neither. It is just not, as a whole, funny, and the themes I have seen (race tension, cosmetic surgery, drugs) are done to death so it feels like you are just watching a rerun of a show that has already been made, but better. Now, it does feature some good acting, I'll say that much (particularly from Michael Rapaport), and the "talking head" thing can be pretty funny, but it does not really help to apologize for the negative points listed above. All in all, it would have been considered fresh and clever ten or fifteen years ago, but not now.
The Phantom of the Opera (1925)
"She is Singing to Bring Down the Chandeleier!!!"
I have reached a conclusion. All the best horror films are in black and white. Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, and of course this. Lon Chaney, the great Lon Chaney, gives an incredible performance as the phantom, he moulds the character to create a genuinely creepy atmosphere, much creepier than modern monsters like Freddy or Jason. The set pieces are truly a thing of beauty, and the sweeping musical score adds tremendous atmosphere, particularly at the masked ball scene, shot in amazing two- tone technicolour. And of course, there is Chaneys makeup. If the film were made nowadays, with a different makeup artist, you can bet your life that Erik would have, say, bone poking out of his head, and pus- filled boils. But Chaney's subtle makeup works so much better, so much more realistic. a superb classic that should be admired and revered by all. That is because it was made when cinema was new, and people cared about quality, not like nowadays, when most horror films should carry the sub- title "The Obvious Cash- In"
Big Brother (2000)
Pathetic
Never, until the day I die, will I understand the appeal of watching some sad and lonely freaks raping their dignity for the sake of "entertainment". What is so amazing about people sitting around and talking? People sleeping? Who watches this filth?? It distresses me greatly how my generation will grow up thinking that "Big Brother" is a sleazy reality TV show and did not start out as one of the central themes created by Orwell for his book, "1984". When we live in a society where people waste their lives watching this crap, you realize that class is dead. As I am part of the "MTV Generation", BB's biggest audience, I worry if people will automatically assume that I am a fan, so I would like to assure you that I am NOT. It also annoys me how ex BB contestants like Jade Goodey and Brian Dowling (luckly there are few) have managed to turn themselves into household names, despite a complete lack of talent. It is morphing into a cheap and easy way to get famous, whilst those who have actually had to WORK for their fame are pushed aside!!! This programme is a DIRECT representation of the dumbing down of society. Annoyingly, it is still proving extremely popular, but I am praying for the day when the public will come to their senses and stop watching this garbage.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Not too Bad...
Along with many other fans of the original, I was pretty annoyed when I learnt that it was getting the remake treatment. However, that was before a mate of mine pointed out that Alexander "switchblad Romance" Aja was at the helm. Although i haden't seen Switchblad Romance, i had read the reviews, seen clips from the film, and was able to deduce that the man has a considerable amount of talent. Indeed, the script for this film, which mercifully does not rely too much on old clichés, sets the tone and pace very well. the story is pretty basic, so could have turned out badly in the wrong hands, but it proves to not only follow the original closely, but also to add some interesting twists. You see, i find that many remakes, although good films, do not follow the original closely enough (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax), which makes us wonder if the makers have actually SEEN the original, or too closely (psycho, the Omen), which leaves us wondering what the point is, but this is a very well done adaptation that Wes Craven should surely be proud of. It features nice character development, unusually good acting, great special FX, and enough blood to keep all gorehounds well chuffed. fans will love it.
The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1994)
Physically Painful
Chick Murray once said "I went to Dunoon for a week one day", and that's pretty much how I feel about this. As a fan of the first 3 films (unlike a lot of fanboys, I actually enjoyed pt3) I was eager to see this, adamant that it couldn't be as bad as people made out. But it was worse. Upon it's release, it was marketed as "the true sequel", but to compare it to the original in any positive manner is insulting. poorly acted, conceived, written and just bad in every way, there is nothing to recommend. I don't understand how Kim Henkel, after brilliantly writing the original, could possibly sink so low with this garbage. If I were Tobe Hooper, I'd probably still wake up in the middle of thew night every now and then, screaming in anguish. Avoid like a plague.
Jonathan Livingston Seagull (1973)
very very bad
This review is based on the first 45 minutes of the film - it is the only film I have ever walked out of. The single worst film I have ever seen. Pretentious drivel masquerading as some sort of art. Not even watchable in a "so bad its good" way. It is way, way below that standard. A seagull who wants to "fly" - not fly, "fly" (possibly with 2 y's). It is every bit as bad as the plot synopsis (and that is the entire plot) sounds. I thought that the book had had some interesting ideas, even if it was a bit on the twee side, but the film removed any vestige of charm from the book in favour of a literal interpretation of the book's message. All we have is a seagull who wants to "fly".
(Please note that this review was not written by SoylentGreenIsPeople91, who has actually never seen this film)
Flash Gordon (1980)
Better than Star Wars
I'm not even joking. It's quite possibly one of the worst films ever made, but that is what makes it so marvellous. Loud, cheesy, poorly acted and about as subtle as a pitchfork rammed up the bum. Based on the long- running strips originally written by Alex Raymond, it tells the story of all- American goodie Flash Gordon and his teleportation onto the planet Mongo, lorded over by the eviler- than- evil Ming the Merciless, who has eyes on Flash's lady friend, Dale Arden. If you are a fan of comic books, the sci-fi genre, Queen, or, like me, all three, then this is, simply put perfect entertainment. They should make more films like this- cheesy, camp and stupid. by the way, if you hate this because you think it is too stupid, you REALLY don't understand it!!
LONG LIVE FLASH!!!