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Children of Men (2006)
For the 1 star ratings...
I am extremely surprised to see that there are so many people who give this movie a one star rating. I suppose this film is a "marmite" film - either you love it or you hate it.
What the negatives fail to understand is that this is Hollywood Filming and we don't need all the questions we ask answered. The movie itself starts off by stating that there's nobody left on the planet under the age of 18. It doesn't answer why this is the case, and I think all the better for it. If they did answer it, the film would have no plot at all. Films are here to entertain us and make us think about certain situations that could arise and how the world would react to it. Although the fact that there's no children at all in the world may seem far-fetched, but we're supposed to believe this is the norm because that is what the narrative tells us to believe. The film's description says that there's no children left on earth, so you go into a cinema full well expecting that to happen and not question it. So if you don't believe it, it's your own stupid fault and have no reason to bring that matter up.
As an overall film, this is a great film. A powerful cast brings a realistic performance that is incredible in every aspect. Michael Cain's performance is legendary, he really does fill it well. I won't go into the film as a whole, however, since this really is one of those movies where you have to watch it through without any hints towards the events that follow. The only real concern I had was that I wasn't exactly sure why they decide to leave the country in the first place, but I probably overlooked that bit whilst watching.
Overall, a great film - definitely worth seeing.
Fainaru fantajî sebun adobento chirudoren (2005)
In general, a disappointment.
I'm a final fantasy 7 fan - so all you other FF fans don't start saying Im wrong or that I wouldn't understand it.
Lets be brutally honest, here; Nothing much happened in this movie at all. In fact - I was down-right bored.
It was a pleasure to see the characters in the film come alive - but Red XIII, for example, only had one line in the entire film and certain characters including Cait Sith was very hard to interpret - the voices were either very clear or really really hard to understand, making it a wild card.
The ending wasn't even there - it was a disappointment.
I know this movie was originally meant to be a 20 minute fan-exclusive, but come on, Square-soft, at least try to make the film as non-cheesy as possible.
I was so sick of those visions of Aeris I actually began to yawn - it was really milking it for all it was worth.
I gave it 4 out of 10 because it was a disappointment after all the hype I heard about it. However, it was good to see such beautifully choreographed fight scenes, the characters and to be able to listen to a good musical score at the same time.
L'emon (2004)
This makes me want to eat tyres with a spooge.
Spooge me up spooky. I like spooge. Thats why I enjoy watching this. It is a very enjoyable piece of cinema, where one actor does his best to win the lottery. The acting is good, and its storyline is enjoyable too. Hats up, mate, you acted good. Spooge. I would also like to point out that at the start of the movie, you will find it a bit slow, that nothing really seems to happen. Wait a minute or two. You will get into the action soon enough. I hope you will get this on DVD, with the extras, like I have. There is a very interesting documentary on the extras, so let us watch it together. 7/10 "Yes No Yes No Yes No." This is a quote from the movie. I think it is really funny when it was acted out as it was very good listening to the actor's voice over and over again. Thankyou.
Hot Fuzz (2007)
A comedy worthy of praise!
PREDICTION:
"This is going to top Shaun of the Dead, HANDS DOWN! Action, violence, and cornettos!" Even though I thought this, I still had no idea what to expect. I was particularly excited about watching this as I had gone to the Premier of Hot Fuzz the day before, and met Nick Frost, Edgar Wright and more, I SHOOK THEIR HANDS!!! ARRR!!!
PERFORMANCE:
Simon Pegg is the star of the show, a dramatic difference from his Shaun of the Dead (SOTD) character to his Hot Fuzz one, Nicholas Angel. In SOTD, he was a lazy, but trying-his-best individual, chasing after his girlfriend in a zombie infested town. In Hot Fuzz, he plays a serious, hard working, athletic top-cop moved to a quiet little village. He portrays his characters emotions particularly well, and yet still putting across the movie's comedy theme. Nick Frost is pretty much the same type of character in Hot Fuzz as he played in SOTD. He plays Danny Butterman, a policeman who doesn't do much at all but eat cake and cornettos. This character is funny all the way through, showing his emotions well and yet his eyes windows a secret world of pain within him, which is essential later on in the storyline. Timothy Dalton plays the main suspect of the movie, and he is a good at portraying the easy-going "bad-guy". Guest Appearance includes Bill Nighy, who made a longer appearance in SOTD and the hilarious Bill Bailey.
BASIC STORYLINE:
Nicholas Angel, (Simon Pegg) is the top-cop in London, making all the other cops look bad. To stop themselves from looking lazy, the police department, as you do, sends the top-cop to a sleepy village away from London. He meet the police dept. he will be working with and PC.Danny Butterman (Nick Frost)and is told that the village is the safest and most friendly village in the country. However, Angel begins to suspect otherwise. After 4 "accidents" occur during his stay, Angel immediately suspects Murder, and the police force there just laugh at him, stating that "everyone has their accidents."
From there, the movie soon spirals into a theme much like "The Wicker Man", where the neighbourhood watch (including Timothy Dalton) are basically the murderers, and its up to the police (and the local youths) to take them down.
As soon as I saw Simon Pegg equip himself with a hell of a lot of ammo and guns, I was laughing with anticipation, excitement and humour at the ridiculousness of the events that were going on before my eyes! I will not spoil the ending, but I will say one word that makes me smile just thinking about it: Swan.
CONCLUSION:
Okay, it did not meet up to my high expectations, but then again, no movies do when I anticipate them for ages. It is a hilarious movie that definitely deserves your cinema ticket money. If you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead, you will love this movie. If you have seen Bad Boys 2, you will love this movie. If you like detective/police/action movies, you will love this movie. I love the fact that both Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead was focused on the suburbs or London like Surrey, for instance, instead of America or cities or countrysides. I hope they keep making movies in the same location, so people can connect with movies more unlike todays typical trash.
God bless you, Edgar Wright (director), keep making films like these and you will be a millionaire in no time!
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
A well made remake.
PREDICTION:
"There's gonna be gore everywhere! Limbs torn off and blood running like a tap from freshly torn skin!
PERFORMANCE:
At the end of the film, I still had no idea what names the characters were. (Except C.J., easy name to remember!) Sarah Polley (ain't been in any good films apart from this one) who plays Ana, main female character, was not a very convincing performance, if i'm to be honest. Maybe the director (Zack Snyder, directed jack all before this) told her to show hardly any facial expression, but any way, she looks expressionless for most of the film. Ving Rhames (Mission: Impossible II) who plays the policeman, Kenneth, is the stereo-typical beefy black guy who acts hard and protects everyone with his macho ideas and muscle and Shotgun. Not original, but it was bound to turn up. The rest of the cast deliver a good performance, not many errors in their acting, and, hell, you actually feel sorry for the odd guy who gets eaten alive or blows himself up.
BASIC STORYLINE:
Okay, a woman who you don't care about called Ana (Sarah Polley) wakes up, sees her husband get a piece of his neck ripped off by a little girl (WANG-KER!!!!!111 OWNED BY A GIRL!!111) and then attacks her. She runs away and bumps into "Look at me, I'm hard" Kenneth (Ving Rhames) and three other people including a pregnant lady and her boyfriend. They go into a shopping mall to hide and are taken prisoner by three losers who work there. They get tied up, then they rebel, the capturers are tied up and then a truck of new characters enter the building. A fat woman turns zombie and they kill it and then they start shopping. Soon they all begin to die, a granny shoots the pregnant lady who turns out to be a zombie, the husband pulls out the baby from the womb, it is a zombie baby, granny shoots him, he shoots granny, baby gets shot, zombies break in, people panic. They get in car. Half of them die. A woman gets a chainsaw in her shoulder by a pensioner, he dies of a heart attack. Then CJ laughs and blows himself up. Then everyone gets on a boat, sails to an island and we are left thinking, WTF???!111111 as the credits show that the island is infested with the undead.
Get it?
CONCLUSION:
Okay, the movie is not as confusing as that. I just couldn't be bothered to go so deep into it. Its 10:40 in the evening here... But anyway, it is a laugh to watch, better than 28 days later, miles better. By 28 times...
Screw this, I'm going to bed.
Blood Diamond (2006)
An astounding film, a fantastic storyline, a South African with an Australian accent.
PREDICTION:
When I first agreed with my friends to go and see this film, I was a bit unsure what to think, mainly because Leanardo DiCaprio is in it, and judging by his previous history of rubbish films since Titanic, who could blame me?
PERFORMANCE:
But I almost burst out laughing when I first head DiCaprio's ("Titanic") first sentence. He was speaking in an Australian voice, even though his character originates from South Africa, how-ever that works... But regardless of the voice, he delivers an astounding performance, only boosted with the (I think best) performance of Djimon Hounsou ("Gladiator"). Sadly, Jennifer Connelly ("Once Upon A Time In America") does not live up to her average expectations, giving a mildly okay performance as the love interest of DiCaprio. Also starring is the great Arnold Vosloo ("The Mummy") and the not-so-great Michael Sheen ("The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse").
BASIC STORYLINE:
Set in the backdrop of the Sierra Leone Civil War, fought between the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) and the Army, Vandy (Djimon Hounsou), a fisherman, is captured by the RUF and taken to work in the Diamond Fields, where he comes across a diamond as big as a pebble. He hides it, but one of the guards - Captain Poison - spots him, before the Fields come under attack. Vandy is captured and taken to prison, where Cpt.Poison is also taken. At this time, Vandy's son is captured by the rebels and is trained to become one of them, a Child Soldier.
In prison, Cpt.Posion starts yelling at Vandy, asking where he hid the diamond, and Danny Archer (DiCaprio) overhears. Once they're both released, he offers to help Vandy find the diamond, and split the rewards 50:50, and Vandy agrees if he helps to find his family.
So the two set off, narrowly avoiding getting shot by the invading RUF. They eventually find his family in a nearby camp for refugees, but is told that Vandy's son, Dia, was captured. They continue, and eventually come across the area where the diamond was hidden. There, Vandy finds Dia, and tries to get him out of the camp, but Dia refuses, as though Vandy is no longer his real father.
Captured, Vandy is about to set off at gun-point to find the diamond for Cpt.Poison, but then, a helicopter attacks the camp and Archer races into the camp to find Dia and Vandy. An amazing scene follows, where there's more explosions and bullet fire than Saving Private Ryan. (Hell, DiCaprio actually looks COOL firing the gun!) Vandy, in a bloody rage kills Cpt.Poison and just when everything seems under control, the army arrives and Colonel Coetzee (Arnold Vosloo) forces Vandy to find the diamond or he would shoot his son.
So, Archer, Vandy and Dia walks to the area where the diamond was hidden, with the Cnl. and 2 guards on watch. They rebel and kill the 3 soldiers. Running towards a hill, a helicopter circling above to take them to the safety of England, Archer begins to get exhausted and collapses. Vandy carries him up the hill. (This is where me and my mates began to laugh really loud as it sounded as though DiCaprio was having an orgy... For 5 minutes...) Eventually, Archer tells Vandy to leave him on the hill, revealing that he was shot in the fire-fight between the Cnl. and him. Running towards the helicopter, Archer holds off the Army soldiers giving chase. He watches the helicopter fly off into the distance, a beautiful setting. Then, he slumps where he sits. He is dead.
Vandy gets to London and sells the diamond, for a lot of money and his family's return to England. This happens and he lives happily ever after.
CONCLUSION:
In all, it is a great film, even if it may not be true story, it is based on real events that happened. Tens of thousands of people died in the war, and we seem to have forgotten about it. This film is a good reminder, with its great characters and amazing story. 10/10. I could not find a single major flaw in the movie.
A definite must see.
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
My favourite ever film - is there a 20/10 option?
An amazing piece of cinema. Disney made a big cock up, though, on advertising it in America and the United Kingdom. In Japan, one sixth of the population saw it, and I am furious at Disney's lame attempt to promote this film. Then again, it is so good that I think it would have beaten all the latest Disney releases by miles, so they probably kept the film in a low key... Chumps. The film is centred around a 10 year old girl named "Chihiro", who finds herself in a world full of spirits and creatures. She has to save her parents who have turned into pigs by the higher authority of the spirit world.
I will not delve into the details, but this really is an amazing film, where the characters are unique and original, unlike todays Disney movies. This is a family movie, but not a child's movie. It has its funny moments, its sad moments and its heart-warming moments, and it all works! So throw away todays CGI Disney "Cars" and todays horrible "family" movies, to have a really good piece of cinematic history, I encourage you deeply to purchase this film.
This is not a film destined for the rent, its destined for a place in your DVD rack.
Spiders (2000)
Makes Hercules In New York look like a Masterpiece.
Starting off as a tense and reasonably scary movie, in the end it just gets, as simply as possible, stupid. The movie starts off with three nerds who decides to sneak into nowhere for some reason, and then a space craft hits the ground (when I say space craft, I mean a cheap 99p rocket bought from the Early Learning Centre) and they see a mutated crew member who was impregnated with a spider, which was mutated by, yes, you guessed it. Radiation. Original. Chumps. Then, the 3 members of geek-squad somehow get inside an underground base, and the spider hatches out of the crew member who they found in the shuttle. (Don't worry Alien fans, the spider crawls out of the mouth, not the highly original chest-burster.) Then you get to the part where the thing starts to chase everyone around, killing for no reason what-so-ever, and slowly, the scary-o-meter (1 being tellitubie scary, 9 being Alien and 10 being Napoleon Dynamite) drops from 5 to 4, and eventually, the main evil guy gets impregnated. The geek squad falls from 3 to 1 (you can guess which one survives from the very start) and once the last geek-member escapes with her new friend, the scary-o-meter goes from 4 to 2. Once outside, they both bump into the evil guy, who some how managed to break away from being completely wrapped in web and from the spiders layer and never tells us how, and he blows up to reveal a medium sized spider(think of Eight Legged Freaks spiders, but a bit smaller) and now the scary-o-meter reaches -4. As soon as the spider is on the loose, the two "heroes" go outside to see the helicopter that the evil guy was on, just parked in car park with people just walking past it, despite having a top-of-the-range bazooka with live ammunition on the back seat, which has no door what-so-ever, and the keys miraculously still in the ignition. Then, they fly over the city and an anti-climax follows where the spider gets blown up and then the film immediately finishes when everyone goes "yay".
What really lets the movie down is that it thinks it can be a comedy/horror/action film all in one, a mixture that takes a master of a director to get over, this film would only be really good if Spielberg would have trouble of doing this piece of garbage. The actors are totally uninspiring, and in one scene, the woman geek's hair style changes when shes in a lift.
Therefore, I would like to end this review on this final note:
Thank the lord I bought this for only £1.99
Medal of Honor: European Assault (2005)
Most Disappointing Medal of Honor yet.
Medal of Honor 1 on the PS was amazing. It was the first of its kind. Medal of Honor Underground built up on this, including allies and motor-bike rides. Medal of Honor Frontline was, in many peoples eyes, the best one of the entire series. Its addicting single player and enjoyable multi-player (xbox and game cube only, ps2 didn't include multi) made it a must buy in many games console magazines. Then, they spread to the PC (all of which were great, part from the rather disappointing Pacific Assault. Allied Assault, and its ex packs Spearhead and Breakthrough are my personal favourite games of all time, it gives me a nice feeling inside when I'm on multi player, as it takes me back all the way to when I first played it....) Anyway, Medal of Honor Rising Sun was the next instalment for the consoles and it had quite an awful story-line and set in the Pacific Theater. Perhaps everyone takes medal of Honor as the European war and not so much in the land of the rising sun, as it was generally frowned upon.
So, EA decided to make a come back. A fresh, new idea, and to win the hearts back of many a disappointed fan.
They failed.
Miserably.
Lets start with the good points of the game (the boring bits).
1) MUSIC The music score is amazing, the best point of the game. It is fantastic and a must-listen. Go onto the I-tunes store and search for the score (Type in Medal of Honor and you'll get a list of all the great game's and their tracks).
2) MULTI PLAYER The 4-way multi-player is addicting, with many objectives and maps to choose from.
Thats about it I'm afraid. Okay, lets get down to the fun stuff.
1) THE WHOLE GAME Its nothing like the previous games. It may as well have been made by a different company, had a different name and stuff. Its a failure to the other medal of Honor's. No connection what so ever, the only one being that it is based around the WW2 era.
2)NEMESIS Kind of like the big boss at the end of a level, medal of Honor's levels all have a nemesis, which you have to kill in order to win an extra medal. Ofcause, this means they get extra health and ruins the whole concept of the game of "Ordinary Soldiers". I mean, how often would you run into an important Nazi leader during each mission?
3)2D ICONS. When ammo is dropped on the floor, a 2D logo spirals round above it to get your attention. Of cause, this also happens for you to point out the nemesis and objectives. This just spoils the whole 3D affect and makes you constantly realise this is just a game.
4)NO NETWORK. Rising Sun had it, so why not the latest medal of Honor? And what really pisses you off is that you have all these great 4-player maps to do with loads of objectives and such, but you cant take it online. Upsetting at the least, bursting into floods of tears and slitting your throat at the most.
5)MISSIONS. Almost as few levels as Rising Sun, but shorter in time. Not as entertaining, either. The maps are not thrilling and quite dull. Makes you realise just how fun Frontline really is.
6)EXTRAS. There are none. No unlock-ables, no prizes for hard mode. Its a game with a lost-cause.
7)MAIN MENU. May sound like a little thing to you, but its a big thing for me. In all previous medal of Honor games, the main menu is situated in a planning room, sometimes with AI walking about, but in European Assault, the main menu is floating in some foggy, grey clouds, so they changed the main menu for a weather forecast. Great.
Conclusion.
4/10. 3 points for the amazing soundtrack. 1 point for the multi-player. Thats it. Nothing to really ponder about. EA has got to start rethinking about its medal of Honor team, whether to listen to the consumer of just p*ss about with our money. EA, listen good. Make Medal of Honor: Airborne good. Listen to the consumer. Learn from your mistakes. Mkae sure you repay the debt of creating European Assault.
Turok: Evolution (2002)
Okay, what is this about?
after 3 great N64 Turok games, the developers decided to take on the PS2. Most failures of games are down to the developers thinking that they can improve/change an already great game, (take for example Medal of Honor: European A-bloody-ssault.)
The intro for the game is dull, and you are left to play the game and wonder why the hell you are actually in this random human-dinosaur world. Well, if you can call them humans, especially when they have no mouth.
Also, at the start of the intro, you are introduced to a cow-boy who, whilst you are trying to make your way through these dinosaur world without being eaten, has suddenly amassed a huge dino-human army in a matter of seconds. So, to put it simply, the whole point of the game is to kill this cow-boy. But you don't know why you have to, as the dialogue is SO unclear and muffled.
Weapons. You start off with an axe, which looks more like a conch shell stuck on a broomstick. When you sweep it, it makes it an unrealistic sound (example; A huge SWOOOOOSHHHHHHHHH sound.) The bow and arrow are mildly entertaining, specially the arrow which blows up the enemy. Then, you get the pistol. (Or a chunky-remote control wrapped round with duck-tape), which fires pitifull shots. The other weapons are un-unforgettable.
Graphics. The developers really did push the PS2 to its limits. Ever so much so, that the N64 looked like garbage infested garbage. Please note my sense of sarcasm.
When those little compsognathus dinosaurs (munch-kin t-rex's) bite, the inside of the mouth is a bright-florescent red colour that makes you wince. When you manage to decapitate a dino-human, blood spurts out of the joint, mildly entertaining, but after a while gets dull.
Gameplay. What game-play?
Map layout. Okay, one mission you have to go undercover into a dino-compound, with this blasted dinosaur-speaker yelling out muffled orders which just gets on your nerves.
Difficulty. Easy mode? More like extreme, after waisting 10 hours of my life sitting in front of the TV, playing Turok, I accomplished failing the first level numerous amounts of time and smashing the disk into tiny fragments.
Conclusion. I then threw the disk into my fire-place. Even the bin didn't deserve to consume it. I had to clean my play-station after playing it, as it was scarred with the horrors of the disgusting game. The only good thing about playing it was being able to understand what makes a bad game. Turok is a disgusting game that doesn't deserve to be put onto the sad disk it is engraved on.
Have a nice Turok-free day.
Hercules in New York (1970)
Its fantastic. Its Stupendous. Its crap.
After being recommended by some school chums, I decided to trot along to Woolworth's and invest £1 into the film known as "Hercules In New York". Now, I want you all to know there is an insane amount of quotes that can be used again and again in real life. "I Don't have any money!" "Insolence!" "It doesn't even look like me!" "That'll teach you respect for your elders!" "But Hercules doesn't need any money!" "Haha! You have Struck Hercules!" "Fine Chariot, but where are your horses?"
The film begins in the secret gardens of Olympus (located in a public park in new york, complete with New York Traffic sounds and its own camera crew). Hercules asks his father, Zeus, to let him go down to earth for no reason what-so-ever. His father instantly gets so ticked off that he decides to throw a plastic wand at him and Hercules instantly gets sent to earth. Now the script gets interesting.
Hercules flies past a window (and an old granny gets turned on) of a plane, and then falls into the sea, which is bizarre, as he was flying a few seconds ago.
Zeus sends help and Boom! Hercules is picked up by a boat. He gets off the boat. Then, he decides to beat up everyone and pushes a man into the water (well, he gives him a shove and the actor does a dramatic leap of faith into the water.) Then we meet the mistake of the film, a Pratt called Pretzzy.(Arnold Stang). His irritating voice gives you a brain hemorrhage, and you pray that he will get out of the story as soon as possible, but no, he follows "Herc!" around everywhere. He gets a taxi and gives "herc!" a pretzel, which he describes as: "food of Z gods!" Then, he gets dropped off at Central Park, and they cannot pay the driver. So, they get into a bitch-fight and "Herc!" pushes the taxi driver into the bushes.
A few minutes of insecure running clips later, he turns up at a sports event, and nothing happens. "Herc!" then gets to go to a gals house and stuff, then nothing happens for another 20 minutes.
After that, Hercules takes out the gal for a horse ride through central park, which changes from day to night in a matter of seconds. The next action scene is an amazing Grizzly Bear fight scene.
The grizzly bear, which A) Looks like a European Bear fancy dress costume and B) Appears to be living in central park doing no harm
suddenly gets lepta on by Hercules and starts doing a wrestling match, throwing punches at each other and ends up as the gal does a hilariously stupid faint.
I hope you enjoyed reading this, for I have waisted too much of my time writing it. I hope you all come to your senses and watch it. If you cant afford it, just go up to the counter and say "I don't have any money...."